A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my boyfriend rarely goes out drinking but he was out on Saturday night with his (single) friend. I have trust issues and I can get a bit paranoid and jealous.i did the wrong thing and looked at his mobile phone call history.(we live together - 1 year). I found some outgoing calls to a girl who's name I didn't recognise after the club had closed.(he was home about thirty mins after that) I asked him who it was and he said his friend borrowed his mobile and disappeared off with it for a good while. Apparently the friend had been on his own phone all night and the had battery died. Says his friend often disappears off to go find a lady!He was pretty drunk. I have no other evidence but I'm sick with worry as we had had an argument the day before that he was upset about. He got angry with me today when I asked who she was. Said that he had never and would never cheat on me. That he had never even considered cheating on his past girlfriends. So because he's so hurt that I don't trust him I want to believe him. (All the trust issues are all me as he hasn't done anything else wrong since we are together)What do you think?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (19 November 2013):
 Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious? If not, then it's nothing. And his reason seems very legit and justified.
You gotta do yourself and him a favor and not go behind his back and check up on him. It's not fair and it's not healthy. That would push most people away in a relationship. You're basically insinuating to him that he's unfaithful and a liar. And if he's not any of those things, that's very hurtful. If you don't trust him, you don't have a relationship, as trust is everything in a committed relationship.
Now, if he's had a history of lying and cheating this is a completely different story. Then I would say you're completely justified in your worry.
Have you been cheated on in the past? What makes you insecure? Did it develop during this relationship? Or was it long before? Bringing baggage into a relationship is a sure way to ruin things. If your insecurities began before him, it's not fair to take your past trust issues out on him, as he's not the one at fault.
If he's been nothing but honest with you in the past, you've got to do your best to let this go and just drop it. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And from now on, stop yourself from doing these things. because when you go looking for trouble, you always find it. You know? That's why looking through peoples personal stuff is always a bad idea. things can get misinterpreted or misunderstood.
I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Did you know that when you snoop on his phone, email, and social networks, you undermine the relationship's trust. You know you did the wrong thing, and you need to own up to it. It breaks trust when someone invades privacy. You two live together, but that does not make it right. Living together doesn't entitle you to indulge your jealousy and paranoia.
Your trust issues are your problem, not his. I'm guessing you have fits whenever he goes out with friends or gets drunk. If you can't trust him, then let him go. Women's jobs are not to go snooping constantly, and it's not right and will kill a relationship. To obsess over whether someone did wrong isn't healthy. His coming home 30 minutes after the calls do confirm his story. He's drunk, his buddy's drunk, and I can understand a cell phone being borrowed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): I fully agree with sugarplum786. Drop it for now, but keep an eye on things. "My friend borrowed my phone..." Is what my best friend's now ex-husband told her when he was cheating, and a strange girl's number showed up. This friend of her ex-hubby backed up the story. He may not have had time to cheat, but that doesn't mean he is not contemplating it...If there are other relationship issues, he could be lining her up to be a potential new girlfriend. I call that "proxy cheating." Besides, if he is so upset at you for questioning him...well...Either a) it really made him mad that you thought he could do that, b) he's mad that he got caught, or c) his guilt made him react that way. What you do is up to you. But I'd follow sugarplum's advice...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): OP again, all those answers updated after my last reply!
To be honest. When I think about it, if he did lie to me it may have been to avoid dealing with my jealousy. He sent me a text at 1am telling me he'd be back late and that he loves me. He had made a sacrifice for me that day too, because we were arguing so he did something (that dented his pride) for me. I probably should let it go. He had smoked a joint (which he never does) and drank more than he ever does normally and admitted to me that the night was messy. But it's not evidence that he cheated. It maybe someone that he knows and bumped into but he lied to avoid argument. A convoluted lie, but all the same. I'm sad :-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): I'm the OP. I thought about it a bit more. And to be honest, it doesn't add up. He said he found his friend, got his phone back, and then his friend disappeared off so he walked about fifteen minutes before he got a taxi. I remembered the last call he made was at 04.12 and he was home by 04.30 - it takes that long to get back to our apartment driving from where he was. I just don't know if I should let it go. I think my asking and being suspicious could be the last straw for our relationship. (That's what we were arguing about)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): There seems to be a rampant epidemic of jealousy and paranoia about cheating lovers and partners. If there is solid evidence, your fear is justified. If all you've found is a girl's name and him being home only minutes later, his explanation makes sense.We can't keep a monitor and tracking-device tied to people to keep us feeling secure whether they will remain faithful. The problem is when you feel compelled to start sniffing around for evidence; because jealousy and possessiveness overtakes you. Not based on any logical or incriminating evidence. Just wanting to know if this person is 100% faithful. You'll never really know; at least, your jealous mind will never allow you to believe it. So every little odd thing becomes circumstantial evidence. Looking at someone the wrong way. Unidentified names on the phone, as in this case. Going out with a "single" friend. This all says: "he will cheat if I don't keep tabs on every move he makes."Do you ever rest? Does this fear invade your thoughts most of the time? Do you get anxious every moment he's out of your sight? Do you think that all men ever do; when they don't have their girlfriends or wives on their coattails, is cheat?Well some men do, and some men don't. What is it that makes women behave as if they are not capable of cheating? As if they are so controlled above men, that nothing will ever causes them to stray? If I had a nickel for every OP who can't get over contacting her ex-boyfriend while she has a new one. I'd wager that both men and women run a dead-heat race, when it comes to cheating! No one is above it. It ties to human nature. An argument doesn't always lead to vengeful cheating. That's just your guilt getting the better of you.Wait until you find more to go on to feel uneasy about his behavior. I can't say words that will not make you not feel jealous or stop you from worrying that your boyfriend cheats. I'm only saying that when it starts to become a strain on a guy, he's going to dump you no matter how much it hurts him to do it. It's better to be single than to be constantly accused of doing something you didn't; or smothered by someone needy and insecure. I can only say, that if you fear he is cheating every-time he's away from you for any extended period; he must have a miserable relationship. He may as well be cheating if he isn't. The suspicion is there, even without the evidence.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 November 2013):
This isn't irrefutable evidence by any stretch of the imagination, so I'd drop it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Girls can be crazy jealous sometimes !
Has this guy actually done anything to make u paranoid / jealous
If not you should really be giving him the benefit of the doubt and most of all you should TRUST him considering you are in a developed long term relationship you are living together?
Whats your life like outside of your relationship?
Mabye getting some extra hobbies or making new friends would
Make you happier in your life and less likey to pick on silly issues like this
You should tell your boyfriend how you feel and apologise for the accusations !
Try working on yourself and your flaws to become a better person
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 If this is the only 1 thing that he has ever done that has made you doubt him, then to be honest I think he is telling the truth.
If he rarely goes out drinking then clearly he is not the type that goes out frequently hitting on women, so him cheating would seem very out of character.
Plus a phone call, even if he did make it, is not cheating. He came home 30 mins after the club closed so clearly he did not go home with another woman!
If his friend is single it sounds far more likely that he had met a girl that night and borrowed your boyfriends phone to call that girl, that is much more plausible than your faithful boyfriend calling a random girl then coming home to you - there is no sense in that!
It sounds like your boyfriend has normally been pretty trustworthy so give him the benefit of the doubt - if he hadnt come home that night then you would have something to worry about. But in this case he came home to you, and it doesnt sound like he has had any other calls/texts since from this girl, so clearly nothing is going on.
Try and trust him, he really hasnt done much here to cause concern so give him the benefit of the doubt, apologise for snooping on him and move on.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 Honey, its hard to tell whether he is speaking the truth. You need to just pay closer attention to him movements, but do not confront him until you are 100% sure. Continuing to question him, will just aggravate the situation, so let this incident slip but don't be naïve.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Nah he didnt cheat, he was home 30 min after the club he didnt have time to cheat. Relax and try and stop acusing him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): I think if you keep up this detective attitude you will find yourself single soon enough. You are the problem and since you know it's you, get help. Don't cast blame on him bc of your insecurities.
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