A
female
age
41-50,
*na Q
writes:If you are in a Long Distance Relationship, should you travel anywhere unless it's to see your partner? I am having a difficult time and need some advice. I have a LD BF and we are new to the LDR. He moved away for school in September and I made a trip out to visit him late December for the holidays. (he spent the fall months overseas for school). We spent a week together and had a wonderful time really enjoying eachother from what is typically a volatile, but loving relationship for us. Now exactly a month later he is coming to see me here for a few days. I am looking forward to it, except for one thing. Recently my best gal pal invited me to stay with her and her folks in Florida for a couple of days in a few weeks, as her family has a condo there and she is going out to visit them. My friend also does not live in my state but we see eachother a few times a year. Wanting to take a break away from the cold winter weather here and just enjoy some girl time and a short getaway, I accepted her invitation happily and also made arrangements to see some relatives who live Florida that I haven't seen in years.Thinking nothing of it I told my boyfriend about it and he was extremely hurt and upset. He said that he was surprised I would make travel plans without considering him and that people in LDR's typically use vacation time and money to see the person they are IAR with. I explained to him that I just visited him and he will just have seen me a week or two before I go. He insists that it's strange for someone in a serious relationship to not invite their partner or come see him instead of go somewhere else with my resources. Obviously I will be using money and work vacation time to see my friend and family in FL, and yes those are resources that I could have used to see him- but I can't help but feel I should not have to pick and choose. I am not rich or have months of vacation time so I can see what he means in terms of, when would I be free and have money to see him next if I will have used it for Florida? But at the same time, should being in an LDR mean that your only travel resources should be used to see your partner? I'm a gal who likes to vacation every now and then and I live in a cold region as does he. I'd like to go somewhere warm if I can and am invited! Does an LDR take that off the table unless my BF is included? Does wanting to go to FL instead of visiting him mean I don't want to see him? He thinks it does. While we do have a very stressful relationship as it is and always seem like we are on the brink of a break up, he tends to feel like im not giving him enough so perhaps he just feels unwanted with me wanting to go somewhere else. He says while you are in an LDR you should make every effort possible to stay close to make up for the distance, and if you have a travel opportunity why wouldn't you go see your partner? I guess I'm not sure what to think. I really want to see my friend and family, especially bc i will have just seen him. Am I wrong here or insensitive?? Btw we are both in our early 30's so it is a bit more serious as we do want to get married if we can just stop arguing :-)
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female
reader, Ana Q +, writes (11 February 2012):
Ana Q is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAmazing feedback! Thank you everyone. Booked my trip and hopefully he will be ok.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I think you are right to go wherever you wanna go even if you are in a LDR. Maybe he's not used to it, but just talk about this. Clearly he just wants to be informed about your plans because he took is for granted that you would spend whatever free time you have with him, and spend whatever money you have for traveling on travels to him as well.
But just because you are in a LDR doesn't mean you shouldn't travel anywhere else. He doesn't have monopoly over you just because you are in a relationship with him. When in LDR you need to put in some extra efforts, but when in a relationship of ANY kind you need to look after yourself and remain a sense of self as well. It can't be all about him him him. You still need to remain an individual and do things you want to do.
But you need to TALK to him about this and talk about expectations and how things will work in your relationship.
I think the reason he feels this way isn't because you are traveling elsewhere without him. He feels a need to have more of you than you are willing to give. That doesn't mean he wants all your vacations to include him. I'm thinking, seeing as I've been in a LDR myself with few opportunities to travel, that what he needs is more attention from you in general. He needs more closeness than you are giving him. This probably means that you should send more e-mails, more pictures, call more often, talk to him more often, send him gifts, use some time EVERY DAY on him. Dedicate more time in general to him. If you did, then a vacation here and there wouldn't be an issue. But because he isn't getting enough attention from you on a daily basis he needs your vacations to "make up for it", as you can say.
I hope that makes sense. I see where he is coming from, and I see where you are coming from too. He needs more of you than what you are currently giving, and you need to be able to go elsewhere than to see him. But if you choose to go elsewhere you need to step it up and make a better effort in your daily relationship. If the relationship sort of only exists when you are physically together then I see very clearly why he is so hurt that you choose not to visit him. If your relationship is functional, and satisfies his daily needs, then a vacation here and there without him wouldn't be an issue.
So to sum it up:
Go on vacation where you want regardless of being in a LDR.
Put more effort into your relationship on a daily basis and take better care of him, it is obvious that his needs aren't being met. Perhaps a LDR doesn't work for you, so look into getting closer ASAP, to end the LDR and make it a full time physical relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I just came out of an LDR (we now live together) and we traveled with friends without each other... I think it's perfectly fine. And Healthy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you going to Florida to visit your friend and relatives. Perfectly normal and reasonable.
Your boyfriend is the one being insensitive (or perhaps too sensitive) in expecting you to invest all of your free time and resources into hanging out with him. If he is going to hold you back from having the life you want, then it might be time to start thinking outside the box. By that I mean you don't have to break up with him now or make any big announcements. Just consider a life beyond him. You may find someone more suitable. Even knowing it is an option may take some of the pressure off and allow this union to work.
Have a safe and enjoyable trip!
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