A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently got married to a man who everyone told me was respectable and no one had anything bad to say about him. I saw him once following tradition, my father sat and spoke with him as did my brothers the one thing I asked was that they notice how tall he was. In Kuwait at five foot five I am thought by many to be tall. I had meet his mother, his sisters, his sisters in law, aunts and grandmother. All seemed fine and good. My father and uncles couldn't find anything worng with him I was told that he was shorter than my youngest brother who now stands at five foot eleven. I thought that all things considered I should go along with it. Not only was he on papar seemed perfect his youngest sister was friends with my cousin and my aunt is a very religous woman. It was all going well.Then the day we got married he walks through the front door and he's shorter than my sister who's five foot three!My mother who normally keeps herself well reserved broke down in tears I nearly broke down in tears. We then were meant to go out to meet his father and grandfather I got dressed wearing a very beautifully embelished abiah a traditional piece of clothing that works with both religon and current society. When I get to the family's house only the grandfather is there. My now mother in law repremands me for wearing the abaih saying that I'm a bride and should have dressed up. I never met his father which breaks all social traditions. We then went out for dinner he had made no dinner reservations and it was his idea for the date, which happened to be a national holiday, we ended up eating in a terrible indian resturant. He then tells me that the next day he wants me to come visit his family. I tell him I would have to ask my father because as per traditon I am still living with my father he tells me that may father has nothing to do with it. That we are now husband and wife and family should no longer be involvid. The problem with this he had said proior to the signing of the marraige contract that The most important thing to him is his mother and marrying someone who respects his mother. Am I wrong to thing that my parents deserve the same respect as his?And when he takes me out he wants me to be social and chatty with his brothers which breaks with both tradition and religon in Islam his brothers are able to marry me in the case of his death, am I worng for feeling uncomfortable with this?In addition when he took me to see his aunts and extended family his mother once again complained to me for wearing the abaih my aunt the mother of her daughters friends were the burgah, am I wrong in thinking that this was something that they should have previously asked and known? And am I worng to think that he nor his mother have called our house since the signing of the papers considering they had called nearly every day before that?I also felt uncomfortable that he complained about one of the clauses in my marriage contract one that stated I have the right to work, he said it looked bad. Shouldn't I have the right to protect myself, from a person who we only know on paper and nothing else?I also feel he is trying to lie to me, he told me a work story calling himself a doctor when I know from my uncles investigation that he's a tech in a hospital it's a good job and nothing to be ashamed about should this effect my choice to stay married to him?He has also not given me any new imformation about himself besides what I had already learnt from my father, we haven't really spoken but he's already calling me sweetie, love, my hearts darling, and baby. Am I worng to feel uncomfortable with a man who I had only seen once previously to the signing of a marraige contract?And more importantly should I feel nervous that he had told my father that he was going to give me a breather and not take me out the next Friday, he also told me the same thing, on Friday my family thought it would be nice if we went out for lunch. He then called me when I was getting ready to go out saying he wanted me to go out with him and his family to finally meet his father. I then told him I couldn't because my family and I were going out, he then got very angry at me and said how I could agree to go out with my family without calling him first. My question is should I stay with a man who is shorter than me by a lot even when I'm wearing flats, has told me nothing new about himself, lied about what he does, preformed the call and honk, wants me to ignor the way I was raised and taught to act both morally and religously, breaks more driving laws than I care to mention, wants me to call him, his family thought I was free and lose, uses pet names in excesses, has ignored tradition by not calling my father or introduced me to his father? Or should I suck it up and say nothing is better than something bad and maybe living with the social stigma of being devoirced?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (28 February 2009):
 Read your pre-nuptial agreement (yes, there should be one ... even it is only a generic one ... sometimes it is attached to the marriage). Make a list of how many of the clauses in the pre-nup had been broken. Then you can assess the strength of your legal filing for divorce proceedings. Yes, women have as much right as men do in filing for a divorce in Islam. You can also cite "irreconcilable differences" as your reason for divorce. And yes, each party is also given the right to appeal agains the divorce proceedings. The appeal could be submitted as high as to th supreme court, if each lower court passed a judgement that the other party did not like.
The questions are, for you:
(1) Are you strong enough to face the social stigma yourself? People have gone into depression for less hardship than this.
(2) Is your family supportive of you if you filed for divorrce? Or will they sneer at you and make you an outcast?
(3) Are you financially secure - with or without your family's support - that you can be without your husband after the divorce and have to worry about your finances? Like, your own job, for instance. Or trust fund.
(4) Do you have a women support (advocacy) group or organization that can help you sort this out if necessary?
If the answers to all are yes, than you know yourself that you can do it. But, the last point, is also very important. They are probably the best people who can help you with your problem. Find out if there is one in your area.
Islam as practiced in the Middle East is sooo different than in other Islam-majority countries in South East Asia for instance - where it is very moderate (some say liberal even). Or more secular, like in Turkey. The men there are abusing the religion, because they can, and because they want to control and to be in power (as opposed to be an equal).
You might also want to read a autobiographical (though rendered as a contemporary comic) book by Marjane Satrapi, titled "Persepolis". It has also been made into (an animated) movie. It is about an Iranian girl, but it is worth reading/watching about her struggles. I had other books in mind on Middle East, but the titles just slipped my mind right now ... :-(
Good luck, and Insya Allah you will find an asnwer soon!
Cat
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): you seem like a respectful, sweet and religious person. In your religion divorce is allowed and for instances like these,when one finds themselves morally and religiously compromised I'm sure it would be most advised by the majority of people! Unfortunately ideas like these have been hijacked by men so they can get away with being little shits, especially in our culture. Don't sacrifice yourself for fear of social stigma. Divorce is allowed, use it to free yourself, you clearly deserve better and you and your family were defrauded by these conmen.
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