A
female
age
41-50,
*umf2grls
writes:Mods Note...OP's own title:Hi. I've been with my BF *Jack* for 6 years. I admit, I had trust issues before our relationship started, thanks to my ex. But I've never had anything to worry about. So 6 months ago, our relationship started to get rocky and he started being distant from me and my family(my parents were living under our roof, and my kids from my ex are there every other weekend). He would come home from work, go straight to his room to either play games or play on his laptop. Then he started making excuses, in the middle of the week, that he was going to band practice at night. His band practice usually last 2-3 hours. So at first I was okay with it, but then he would call me to tell me that he was going to dinner with the band mates and so that extended to until almost midnight. Then he would tell me who was there, and that's when "Zee" would come into the picture. Zee was apparently married. Jack's outings started going on every week. So, one night, out of the blue, Jack texted me that he would feel guilty about cheating and that I wouldn't. I never accused him of cheating. So, anyways, I was starting to get curious, and I saw the first text from Zee. It had said "I had a great time last night. I love you, jajajajajaja" and his response was "I love you too =P". I asked him about it, and he said that he had treated her to dinner(he is always generous) and that they were joking around when they said those things. So, flash forward to June. I was going to pay our cell phone bill, and I noticed the same phone # numerous times that they were talking to in May for an extended amount of hours, while I was at school. So I asked him about that #(I already assumed that it was Zee) and asked him if someone else was competing for his heart. He called me up and asked me if he wanted to get his own phone line and when did he ever have the time to cheat or if he gave me any signs that he was cheating, and I said "Ah, yeah, the talking on the phone". He had said that we were going to have a little talk, but that talk never happened. So because I kept pestering him about Zee, we had taken a break around mid June(during the week of our birthdays) to the point where I needed to get a separate bed. Finally, he told me through IM that he and Zee liked each other. And I said that's fine because I have several male friends and we liked each other, but then he adds "If you weren't acting like a psycho, then Zee and I wouldn't have talked in the first place". Keep in mind that he calls her EVERY single day, or texts her EVERY single day, even on weekends when we were suppose to spend time together. So, 2 weeks ago, he sends me an e-mail, after he has calmed down. And he tells me that he likes Zee a LOT. And that he talks and jokes with her, like when he and I first met. He said that if she wasn't around, that he would've exploded months ago with all the drama bs that he had to dealt with me, my parents, my ex and my kids. He also said that he was giving me one more chance? A week ago, he had left his cell phone on our bed. I saw the message light flashing and out of curiosity, I opened it up. It was from Zee and it said "Hi Cutie Pie. I just wanted to say 143". I have never confronted him or her about it. I'm so sorry for rambling on about this, but if I had started from the beginning from when I first encountered her, I thought it would be better. Keep in mind, again, she's married and has a daughter(never met any of them). She did, at one point, wanted to hang out with Jack, me, and my 2 daughters, but Jack didn't think it would've been a good idea. He also lied about how he met her, 2 times, actually 3 times, because I now know he had met her from a previous company that he had worked at, around the time they started talking to each other on the phone. She's the HR Specialist. Anyways, my question is, should I send my BF an e-mail about whether or not he has told her about us or is it safe to send her a text message without his knowledge? Either way, it'll more than likely get back to him and I don't want that(he tends to have a little temper). Please someone advise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): He IS cheating on you emotionally, no matter if he's slept with her not.
A
female
reader, mumf2grls +, writes (5 August 2010):
mumf2grls is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe moved in our current apartment so that we can have some privacy and start our lives over again. It was when I lost my job and had to finish my night class when their talking had started. My parents live in the same apartment complex, just different building. I don't want to meet her, just text her that I'm Jack's girlfriend. He told me that he never talks about me with her, just the fact that he's helping me with school and to get me back on my feet, that's why I just assumed that maybe she doesn't know that he and I are back together. I did have a ring at one point, but every time we set a date, something always came up, like a hurricane or when I got laid off. It took him a month and a half before he got the courage to tell me that he loves me again. I just don't know why he goes to her for emotional support.
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female
reader, mumf2grls +, writes (5 August 2010):
mumf2grls is verified as being by the original poster of the question1) I've never met Zee before in my life. 2)Jack hasn't said that he was cheating, I just assumed because he told me that he enjoys talking and joking with her. 3) I HAVE confronted him, but he retaliates back by saying that I am insecured. I know everybody is telling me to dump him, but it's not that easy for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): 1) I've never met her before in my life. 2) He hasn't admitted that he's cheated on me, just the fact that he talks to her, and that is it. 3) I HAVE confronted him, but all I get in return is him getting upset that I can't learn to trust him. He has NEVER given me any reason that he would cheat. He said that if I didn't act like a psycho, then he wouldn't have started talking to her in the first place. But I understand where you're coming from because I'm the one that deserves to be angry, not him. I can't leave because I too don't have anywhere to go either. Now that I think of it, you're right, I shouldn't let him walk all over me because that's what he's doing. To those who think I haven't been aggressive enough with him, I have, but he keeps coming back to me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Why confront her? You are not living with HER, you are living with HIM. YOU are in a relationship with HIM, so if you need to confront anyone that would be HIM.
My advice... Jump Jack, forget about Zee. Those two losers deserve each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): If you have been together for six years and still have no ring, then he (or you) were always leaving the door open to this relationship anyway (at some level). He probably is cheating on you with Zee. Do you really believe that he wants to give your relationship a chance, or is he beyond that? Be honest with yourself. Although it is not an excuse to be dishonest and cheating, he might be as close to telling you the truth as he is going to get when he talks about not being able to tolerate the drama in your house. Why are your parents living with you? Are you helping them financially or are they helping you? Can they move into their own place? You did note he retreated to his room without interacting, so perhaps he really did reach some kind of breaking point where he needed peace and quiet. Even if you move on into another relationship, this living arrangement could present a problem in the future. Try to work on that - that is more important. Meeting her would serve no useful purpose. She knows who you are and is willing to steal you boyfriend. Why would you want to meet her. I wouldn't waste my time on such a lower life form.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Hi, to make matters worst is that Jack and I live together, and have done so for all of 6 years. He adores my kids, but he doesn't hang out with Zee, just talks to her on the phone, texts her, and chats with her on IM. I really don't know how to be aggressive with him as I don't want to lose him. I am at a lost for words when it comes to talking to him about this as he has already told me that he loves me. Should I text her and tell her that Jack is my boyfriend and maybe she'll back down from her affection for him? I don't want to accuse him again as he has blatantly denied the fact that he is cheating with her.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 I hope ur not still with this idiot, One u look dumb for still staying with him after he clearly admitted he cheated on u..Cut off his cell phone and kick him out of ur ur house..he'll have nowhere to go because Zee is still married..She knows about u and Jack and she obviously doesnt care. Jack doesnt have to tell her she's met u once before..Bottom line Jack is a jerk that doesnt want to be with u, so stop wasting ur time on this jackass! I recommend watching that movie He's just that into You. You my friend are NOT the exception
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): He's made it blatantly obvious to you how he feels about this "other woman" and isn't opposed to you know she exists and that he spends time with her. Yet, you still keep in contact with him and haven't been very confrontational about his affair at all. I would've been far more intense than you, if I were in your situation.
Here's the thing, this married woman probably won't leave her husband and kid for "Jack." Married men and women who cheat rarely do, and if they do, they end up without the "other" person, too. That said, Zee and Jack are probably enjoying what they have, but as of now, based on what you've typed here, it seems like Jack gets everything he wants, too, including YOUR attention. He made up a very poor excuse about why he cheated (blaming you, who, by the way, did not "make" him cheat, as you did not "force" him into this relationship with this woman). It sounds like a load of lies.
My advice to you is to forget Zee and Jack. Hang out with your kids and do what you want to do. Eventually, you'll find a man with whom you can share an exclusive, emotionally rewarding relationship. Show Jack that he can't have his cake and eat it, too.
Best of luck!
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