A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for almost a month now. We have hit it off very well and get along great, he is like my other half.We have talked about dating before we become official because we want time to get to know each other better before rushing into an relationship, we have brought up past relationships and he tells me that I feel like I categorize him into my past relationships. I've been in two very bad relationships, I have in a physically abusive relationship with one boyfriend and a few years later I was with someone who had a girlfriend the whole time we were dating and who knew about my past, and told me he would never hurt me and did.The guy I am talking to now knows about the cheating but I have never really got into detail about the abuse, it makes me nervous to get into another relationship because I don't want to be hurt in any way. Is this something that I should tell him, so he sees were I'm coming from?The topic of sex had also come up, we've talked about it and even though he would like to be intimate he says that he will wait because he likes me and wants to do it when I'm ready. Not to mention, I've met him on a online dating site and so I get worries if all he is looking for is just sex.Is it reasonable for me to tell him, that we need to be exclusive if were are going to be sexually active and that I would want him to delete his profile on the dating site? These rules I want in order to for things to happen because if he's not willing to do that, then I'm not willing to talk anymore. Am I asking for tooMuch? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2014):
 You hardly know this guy yet and you are still finding out more about each other. There has been nothing that threatened your trust, up to now. You are starting to feel extra good about this guy.
And in the past you processed a lot of negatives and dealt with all the challenges that brings. Your head has processed it all to the point where you feel he will know you better if he just knows all that you have suffered and survived.
Stop right there.
But it is way too early to dump all this on this new guy. Different people react in different ways. Some people can handle it and some cannot. You don't need any remarks that might set you back. Nor assumptions that are inaccurate and hurtful.
Get to know him over time.
Look at his values and his attitudes.
Look at how he relates to others and to you.
Know that you never need to suffer an abuser every again.
Find Biderman's Chart of Coercion on the internet.see the chart in available online as a free publication : published as "Bullying from Backyard to boardroom" by William Wilkie. The Chart is in chapter.
This is important as sometimes victims attract new abusers just because of how they appear and react. Wanting to please new people too much. Not putting their own needs first. Failing to be assertive in the face of unreasonable behaviour.
Learn how potential abusers behave and you will learn to not react as they expect. That helps break the cycle.
Once you know this guy really well after at least 12 months together then you will be able to determine if it will help to raise these issues.
Sometimes it is what you do not say that is the wisest course.
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 Don't tell too much about your past "love stories". The "good" is not so sweet to hear for your partner (always beware retro-jealousy, so well known on Dear Cupid) and the "ugly" may rise some questions that could be unpleasant to answer. Moreover, I do believe too that explaining to the next guy what the previous one did to you doesn't prevent anything to happen first, second might provide some sort of unconscious pattern to reproduce the days you will embark for a major fight. Who knows, the best is always to avoid being the source of ones problems, don't you think ?The best is always to restart ones life from zero, as when the foundations are new and sanes, a building is more likely to rise well, to be stable and steady.As for the exclusivity, I'm always baffled one rises the question: I this guy is positively your boyfriend, it's just normal to respect you during all the time he will still be. Exclusivity is a natural and logic requirement (one should even not have to ask for it) which includes to erase ones page from every dating sites. If it is not thought this way, that's not a serious relationship anyway. No time to lose, life is too short !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): you're not asking for too much. that i know for sure. but even though this guy is nice, i dont think yo u should tell him about that relationship. its too early. i think you should wait awhile. you say your nervous. that means you're not yet ready. but dont worry, the time wibl come for you to tell him, and you'll know it. good luck x!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): A month is not a long time to get to know someone. You can't talk about being exclusive; until you both agree to a commitment. You must "both" be on the same page,that you want to go beyond just dating.
Don't be too eager. Easy does it.
Women often feel it is their position to decide how far a relationship goes. Get ahead of the guy; and he'll just let you keep running while he disappears into the distance. It's a mutual agreement, not just yours to make. Guys are slower at making a commitment, that doesn't mean he doesn't intend to make one. That's why you should give him reasonable time; so you won't waste your own time.
You can set conditions about sex from the very start. In fact, if the subject comes up on the first date. You can let him know then and there; if it's going to happen, or maybe you require more time to decide. That is your decision to make. It's your body, and your heart.
Make it loud and clear. That will quickly eliminate people, who just want sex; and that's all they're expecting.
As for unsavory intimate details regarding your past? That is a no-no. Keep doom and gloom out of the introductory stage of your connection. No, you're not being cagey or shady by not telling a stranger how you got screwed over.
I would consider it a warning myself. Some people set you up to bad-mouth your exes, and will judge you by it.
In fact, why would he have to know? What positive impression would you make by sounding like a victim and informing him that your judgement may be flawed?
That might be a deal-breaker; and you've inadvertently shot yourself in foot. Everyone gets hurt. You're supposed to be over it by the time you're dating again. Just watch your step. Remember what you've learned from mistakes.
People want to know they are entering a relationship that will offer them happiness; that they can feel safe and at peace being with you.
They don't need you to show them a piece of your private hell.
That is supposed to be buried in the past with those losers. They're gone. You don't need to seek pity over what they've done. That's giving them power to weaken your new relationships. Showing how they've damaged you.
NO, NO, NO!
You're making a new start, and it's a new chapter. Keep only what you've "learned" from the past relevant. Share the happiest events of your life. Bring light into his life.
Keep your darkness in the past. You are now above it. You are making new strides, and trying to find love again.
I don't care what anyone says; that is a mood-killer and it scares people. It is a deal-breaker for me. It is a true sign that a person may not have worked through all their issues; and may still be in the midst of their recovery. That is not a good place to start a new relationship. If you're expecting the new guy to be your therapist, he just may not want to be. He doesn't have to.
If he wishes to bring up things about his old relationships, listen. Then you can determine if you're repeating a bad trend, or you've finally broken the cycle
leading to failing relationships. Listening is good.
TMI is bad! If all he does is complain and bad-mouth his exes. That's a red-flag. It would also raise red-flags about you, if your comparing notes. You can avoid revealing who you are. You're not defined by those two losers. You had the good sense to leave. That's enough.
You shouldn't disclose personal details about yourself until trust is "earned" and well-established. You must know who you are dealing with first. So you will not get manipulated. Show only your strengths, don't reveal your weaknesses. They will come out on their own.
People you are dating "now" can bring up "light" facts about past relationships. Making comparisons and sharing painful moments is going too far.
That's too much information, and will give the impression you're placing him on notice; and you'll be scrutinizing his behavior to be sure he's not flawed like your previous boyfriends. You keep that in the back of your mind, it shouldn't come out of your mouth.
I would not accept that from anyone I hardly knew. I'm not at fault about how other people treated you. You must judge the new guy by his own behavior, and on his own merit.
How are your old boyfriends relevant to him?
Don't tell people you're damaged in some way; or might have issues. They may draw the wrong conclusions or feel unsure of investing their time and feelings. You could already be sabotaging your relationship, by saying it may not work before it's even off the ground.
If you think that is forewarning them for the purpose of
suggesting they deal with insecurities and unresolved issues? It may prove it's too soon for you to be dating anyone.
You are at the stage of getting to know him. Reveal more things as trust is established; and once you know he is even the kind of guy you want to be with. Also remember, he's only hearing one side of the story. He is going to wonder what their side is. He's going to wonder how you made two mistakes, one behind the other? There must be something wrong with you.
Deal with your issues first. Good people deserve the best you can be. Nothing less. You deserve the best from others when you put your best foot forward. End it if you have, and they haven't.
That is a good foundation to build a relationship on. You can definitely explain what you want in a relationship; without using your exes for reference. Don't let them intrude on your happiness. They're history. Flush them down the toilet, where they belong.
If it was a non-visible physical disability, or something regarding a mental disorder; even that requires time before people get too many details.
When a relationship is in it's infancy,it is quite unstable; and misunderstandings are too likely
to occur. This is where you should walk on eggshells. Not after you have bonded,and something binding is in progress.
For any of you wondering why people lose interest so fast, or why they were okay and suddenly they're distant? You may have revealed too much too soon.
This is one of the major reasons. Too much information about failures in the past will raise red-flags. Just a little at a time, over time. Focus more on your best traits. This is your opportunity to let him know what's right about you, what you bring to the table in a good way.
Not what's wrong with you. Did you list all your worst flaws in your profile?
Bad past relationships shouldn't taint the present. He doesn't have to delete his profile; until you are in an established exclusive relationship. You can't use sex as an incentive or bargaining chip. He could always reactivate it, or find another site. Be wise!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): For me, you don't need to tell everything to him.
It enough that you told him that you've been hurt, meaning the relationship was bad. But to tell him everything in detail its not necessary.
Why?
number 1 your relationship is just starting.
Its new, you don't even know yet if you two could last for 2 or 3 months? who knows about that? His not required to know everything about you. If you do tell him, he will perceive you as a drama queen.
I am not saying or suggesting you lie to him, because its not an option. What I'm saying is just enjoy the relationship your trying to build with him.
Focus on Building a friendship/relationship with him. (The present) Not the past. he is not your past bf. its unfair for you to conclude that he will be just like your past bf.
If he initiate asking you, then go ahead and tell him in detail. but if its not, Don't.
Avoid the drama and have fun.
...............................
|
