A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for almost a month now. We have hit it off very well and get along great, he is like my other half.We have talked about dating before we become official because we want time to get to know each other better before rushing into an relationship, we have brought up past relationships and he tells me that I feel like I categorize him into my past relationships. I've been in two very bad relationships, I have in a physically abusive relationship with one boyfriend and a few years later I was with someone who had a girlfriend the whole time we were dating and who knew about my past, and told me he would never hurt me and did.The guy I am talking to now knows about the cheating but I have never really got into detail about the abuse, it makes me nervous to get into another relationship because I don't want to be hurt in any way. Is this something that I should tell him, so he sees were I'm coming from?The topic of sex had also come up, we've talked about it and even though he would like to be intimate he says that he will wait because he likes me and wants to do it when I'm ready. Not to mention, I've met him on a online dating site and so I get worries if all he is looking for is just sex.Is it reasonable for me to tell him, that we need to be exclusive if were are going to be sexually active and that I would want him to delete his profile on the dating site? These rules I want in order to for things to happen because if he's not willing to do that, then I'm not willing to talk anymore. Am I asking too much? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): I have been in two relationships, that they were abused, I treated them fantastic, they could not leave that in the past, so I got hurt, but they both went back to the abusers,if a friend would ask me now, hey I met this great women, her ex use to beat her, I would tell him, run, don't look back, she's damage goods, it won't hurt her leaving you,but you will end up broken hearted. Please don't start even a friendship, with a good guy, sorry, you need to be by your self, don't string a guy a long, even just to have a friend, get help,but not the help of some one future broken heart. A year an a half, an I still miss my heart, but what is bad is, am with some one else now, but can't give my whole heart, cause she was the women I've been looking for all my life, so tell him the truth, you can't love him, cause you know if the abuser wanted you back, you would leave the good guy, with a broken heart.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I dont see why you cant start sharing information about abuse from your past. I think this is stuff thats need to know information to make your relationship work. I dont seeing nothing wrong with it cause aleast they know what they dealing with early on and can have that option early on to decide if it something they want to partake in. I suppose the removal of the dating account it is nothing wrong with thats if you two are move serious or exclusive. The next issue of sexual activites is relating to you wanting a proper relationship before giving up the play thats fair enough if they dont want to deal with it aleast they now up front so they can decide. That is the norm people are exclusive and dating and intimate and having a relationship thats not really asking to much I dont think so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): Those are perfectly acceptable rules, your life, you get to choose. If he can't live with them then he's not the right guy for you, simple as that.
As for what you do and don't tell him. Tell him what feels comfortable for you to speak about. Personally though I only tell people early on things that are relevant to them and have an effect on how things will go.
New guy, clean slate. I fail to see how your past treatment is relevant to him.
If you want to let him know why you're being cautious that's fine, if you want him to know that patience is the key with you based on past experiences and the trepidation they have created that is fine too but it doesn't need to be said really, it has no bearing on this guy. But that categorization thing is not the best, you either need to treat him like a clean slate, but of course with all the necessary cautions, without punishing him for what you've gone through or you need more time to get over your past.
There's a fine line between not being over what you've gone through and just being cautious based on lessons learned. If you're ready to date him then that comes with risk, it always does, you have to be a bit adaptable too, OP.
Oh and slow down. One month and you're already talking about the rules of exclusivity, him being your other half when you've already discussed only dating casually for a while.
OP waiting for sex until you're exclusive is a pretty smart precaution but you're kind of not taking caution emotionally here, it's only been a month and you're already planning for the future, talking about him like he's your other half and you only know each other online.
Feel free to tell him you need to be exclusive before you have sex as that is relevant if he asks. But until such time as you are ready to be exclusive personally I don't think the other stuff is relevant.
The funny thing is if I were him and you told me about your abusive past, I'd run a mile. It's nothing personal OP, I've had my own experiences with dating women who have had abusive relationships and they're just not on my list anymore. It was just too much work breaking through, all the while feeling like I was being punished for what other men did to these women. I was basically in a relationship with their ex through them. I wished they'd waited until that shit was firmly in their past but they hadn't moved on at all. Some women never do and there's just no way I could dedicate myself to a woman who is still so emotionally invested in another man.
My point is OP, you're only dating. Dating initially is about getting to know what's great about another person while slowly introducing them to your flaws, it's about fun. Flaws that might not matter in the overall context of the person they are, so you need to let him get to know you properly before you start feeding him that kind of info. Only what's relevant really. You don't need to explain why you only do sex in proper relationships, it's perfectly reasonable to just have that as a condition.
Each guy is different of course but if one month in a woman told me that stuff that would be a big red flag with 'damaged good' written on it and the fact she thought it was relevant to us means she's going to make it an issue for us and, yeah, not for me thanks. I'm a new guy, clean slate and you're either ready to try me out or you're not. You wouldn't need to explain why you have conditions as they're reasonable and everyone has their own, but I wouldn't know you well enough after one month for that alarm not to start ringing.
Again though, date for you and date in a way that makes you feel comfortable so tell him what you like.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 My first piece of advice is to slow down. He may seem like a great guy (and he may indeed BE a great guy) but you've only been dating a month. You really don't know each other well at all. Take each day as it comes and don't plot too far into the future.Should you disclose past abusive relationships? Maybe and no. I'll explain. Maybe you might mention it conversationally at some point in the distant future, but no, I wouldn't DECLARE it. Once you label yourself 'damaged goods' all of your future interactions will be seen in that context. Valid concerns you may have can be easily dismissed as hypersensitivity.'Seeing where you're coming from' is another way of saying 'make special accommodations for'. We've all had our share of bumps and bruises. What is especially profound or unique about your pain that you require special accommodations? And it didn't help you with the last guy, did it? Focusing on the past keeps you locked in the past. You're supposed to be wiser and stronger for the experience and apply what you've learned to future endeavours. So do that.Is it reasonable to expect exclusivity before becoming intimate? Absolutely, but announcing the 'rules' in this case just makes it easier to circumvent them. All you'd be doing is telling him what he needs to say to get into your pants. I suggest you steer the courtship to where you want it to go. You do that by going OUT on dates to public places where physical intimacy cannot occur. That way there is no pressure to accept or discomfort in declining a sexual advance. No visits at each other's homes until after a few months of getting to know one another. Keep the sex talk to a minimum and don't spend all night talking and texting one another. Always leave them wanting more.Go for lunch, to a coffee shop, to the museum, on a sightseeing tour of your city, rollerskating, ice skating, bowling. Anything fun and in public. If he's genuine then the more fun he has with you the longer he's going to stick around and the more he respects you the more he will aim to please you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): There will be a point in your relationship where you're going to have to tell him what happened in the past, and the later you tell him the more he may think you were hiding it for a reason. So it may be best to tell him in the early stages.
However it is still something personal to you, and you should only tell him I you really feel comfortable in the relationship!
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