A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What to do?Here is the situation.I know this guy for probably 12-13 years. He is a friend of a friend. He doesn't live in a same city, but comes to spend week end at his vacation house here once a month.He has a wife, and 2 young children. I m also married with a grown child.When we first met at someones party, he acted as a friend, but quite indifferent, tell you the truth. Didn't engaged much in conversation. And deffinitely there was no hints of him liking me.About 3 years ago, he was in town, and it happened to be my birthday. The whole night he danced with me, making compliments, but harmless, like I look younger and younger every year.Since then every time I see him, he becomes more and more intimate in his comments, looks and glances.About a month ago he invited a bunch of people to his pool, and also us. That was actually the very first time I saw his house, which impresses me. He never invited us before along with mutual friends. That was a surprise.We thought it would be for a short visit, but the guy was preparing the whole day of swimming, eating and drinking. That sounded good, so we decided to stay. We don't eat meat, so my husband went home to get fish. It took him forever, and for an hour it was just me and the guy. Now the situation became weird. He just wouldn't stop checking me out. I was in a pool with him, he would get really close to me. If my husband walked in that moment, he would find a situation at least peculiar. The guy didn't do anything or said, it's just the looks, and closeness.The whole day everytime I turned, here he was, right next to me. My husband expressed his opinion noticing all this that the guy admires me, and we had a good laugh about it. I just want to mention that the guy is a few years younger than me, aNd about 10 years younger than my husband with great body, quite handsome, I must say. My husband mentioned that too.So, that was that, and I didn't see him for a couple month, as I was traveling at the time he visited again.Yesterday we 've met again at the friend's wedding. We were put at the table together with mutual friends. He sat just right next to my husband. My husband is a laid back guy, who really hardly ever pays attention to other people action. Not this time.He leaned to me and said: " hope I m wrong, but don't you think it's getting a little too much?"I asked what he means. He said, that the guy keeps on looking at me the whole night, and in a church during ceremony also. I didn't notice anything in church, but I caught couple of his looks at the party and waved to him, Just to be friendly.Ok, so nite progresses. The guy keeps on talking to me, asking me about my future traveling. When I mentioned I want to go to Asia this year, he tells me, take me with you, I can be useful, whatever that means. I laughed, but at the end of the evening he came up to me again, and said, I actually was serious about Asia, always wanted to see it. I laughed again, saying nothing.Now my husband is getting noticeably unhappy. We go outside and he tells me, that he finds it at least disrespectful of the guy to act like that with my husband is sitting right there in front of him.He also hints that I should somehow stop the stares and nonstop talking all nite with him.I told him I really don't know what I should do. The guy is really doing nothing wrong, he looks, yes, but in his actions he doesn't do anything provocative. There is no touching, he didn't even danced with me once. What am I to do with someone who is not obvious at all. I still am not even sure that there is something going on. He basically doesn't do anything, its not like he calls me or makes propositions, nothing of that sort.He just looks and says couple of compliments. My husband says that the way he looks at me is so obvious, and that's enough for me to say something to the guy to stop it. I really don't think it's a good idea. Even if I say something to the guy, what if he just starts laughing and contradicts me, that would be awfully embarrassingWhat is your opinion what should I do, do you think I should tell the guy to stop stares and compliments? Mind you, my husband never displayed any jealousy before with anyone, it's not like he is a jealous type. Thanks in advance..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012):
I read and retread your post, you are playing with fire.. You know fine well what his intentions are, you make that clear when you write with fluid recall the time in the pool and how your husband or anyone would have taken that situation if they had walked in on it...
No one here is judging you and yet when sageoldguy leaves a post with his opinion you jumped down the guys throat.. Okey he could have written it a bit tactfully but being honest your post made me fume a little.. Your acting like you haven't a clue what's going on.. When you do.. And you do like Cerberus says contradict yourself throughout..
Now my advice for the sake of your marriage and relationship between you and your husband, is to politely tell this guy that you are not interested and that your husband has noticed his staring and flirting and if he doesn't stop it then you shall remove yourself from his company every time he does.. See it's that easy..
Its nice when we get complimented and seen as cute/sexy by the opposite sex, it is not nice however when our laid back partners notice and it becomes contention between a married couple...
We give advice .. We are not judging that's not for us to do.. But we will not revealing init with you when you are not single to do so.. If you don't love your hubby leave him go be with younger guy.. If you love hubby then tell the young guy to sling his hook..
Take care..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Ah but you don't have to be friendly just because they want to be friendly with you, or to have all day long conversations just because THEY want to engage you in conversation.
You don't necessarily have to mirror other people's actions. If they touch your butt, do you touch their butt back ?
You've got to be civil, yes. Polite. Well mannered. Particularly as when you are a guest in their house, like that time at his pool party.
Nothing more nothing less, and perhaps a bit more "less " than "more ".
One can be COLDLY polite, and , trust me, that's 90% of the times enough to discourage unwanted attention , unless they are crazily in love or pissed drunk, which does not seem to be the case.
I guess , for him to be so obvious, persistent, and in your face under your husband's nose, you must have given him, consciously or not, purposedly or not, the message that you DIG his attentions, the closeness, the compliments . Body language is enough.
He MUST have crossed boundaries if your non jealous, non paranoid , laid back husband commented on it. And your body language or minimal verbal language often is ALL it takes to put people back behind their boundaries - or not letting them cross boundaries to begin with.
If someone says something that YOU , subjectively, perceive as inappropriate, you don't keep being friendly or flirty or smily, just because they haven't physically manhandled you or asked you to elope. Someone says something "weird " , you immediately change subject to something totally neutral, or- even better- say "excuse me, I want to go talk to X ", and leave.
The frolicking in the pool, for instance, - what were you doing STILL in the pool, if you thought he was crossing the line and acting in a way that was disrespectful to your husband ? Could not you just get OUT of the pool ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Actually I have disagree with both of you. First off OP you seem so very naive. You're like so many women I know that thinks a guy paying that much attention, showing that much interest in talking to you and giving you tonnes of compliments is innocent or nothing. It's nothing of the kind and lots is happening here.
"What am I to do with someone who is not obvious at all."
If he's not obvious at all OP then why is your laid back non-jealous husband noticing it? That's the first part of your post that makes no sense. That is also a reason to be very concerned with how you deal with this OP. If you can't handle unwanted well then how can your husband truast you? But this isn't unwanted attention is it?
"I just want to mention that the guy is a few years younger than me, aNd about 10 years younger than my husband with great body, quite handsome, I must say."
Yeah, so it;s nice to get the attention from this young hunk so you don't want it to stop, and your attitude is why should you if he's not doing anything obvious. You want your cake and eat it too. OP I'm not saying there is anything malicious in your intent but then you're naive as to what this is.
"The whole night he danced with me, making compliments, but harmless, like I look younger and younger every year."
Really? Dancing all night with and showering a woman compliments is harmless and nothing? You don't seem to know us guys all that well then OP.
"Since then every time I see him, he becomes more and more intimate in his comments, looks and glances."
Oh and I guess that's not obvious no? Not even nearly provocative? Really? Because I only have to give my girlfriend one glance and she knows I want her knickers to come off.
"Now the situation became weird. He just wouldn't stop checking me out. I was in a pool with him, he would get really close to me. If my husband walked in that moment, he would find a situation at least peculiar. The guy didn't do anything or said, it's just the looks, and closeness."
Actually the more I read your post the more I agree with SageOldGuy. This guy is coming on strong is very obvious, is very provocative and all you have top say is "it's peculiar, weird" etc. I'm finding it hard to believe anyone can be that naive.
"When I mentioned I want to go to Asia this year, he tells me, take me with you, I can be useful, whatever that means."
So very obvious flirting in front of your husband and you just laugh it off? Wow OP, I just can't understand why you seem to think all of this is menaingless or not provocative, he's crosses so many lines here and so have you.
OP doing nothing is just as bad as you doing it. You dopn't let a person come on that hard and persistent when in a relationship.
My girlfriend is very flirty, she loves a bit of banter but she has enough respect to know her boundaries she would not feed a guy this kind of attention in long term. You have been feeding this guy OP, don't try and play the innocent here, you're like the dainty teen twirling her hair at the hot guy who is chatting her up.
"I really don't think it's a good idea."
Of course not, then you'd lose this guys pursuit of you, so you're not going to do that, you like the attention you get from this hot, young guy with the impressive house.
You're playing games here OP, I gave you the benefit of the doubt but the more I read your post the more you contradict yourself. Now the fact you haven't nipped this in the bud sooner is a very big reason for your husband to start doubting you, the fact you're so opposed to stopping this guys interest in you is another reason, the fact you think he's handsome, younger, has a big impressive house, in fact it sounds to me like you very much have a thing for this guy the way you gush over how great he is. There is also a hell of a lot of contradictions in what you wrote, you say it's not obvious but it is to your husband, you say he's never done anything provocative but everything that happened in that pool and since your birthday has all been a strong come on.
So which is it OP, you're either incredibly naive (which I doubt) or you're very interested and don't want to lose this guys attention.
You have a choice to make her OP and your wishy washy shite about him possibly making a joke about it if you tell him seems to be more important than your husbands trust. Are you intentionally trying to make him jealous? Is that it? Or maybe you're just too meek to tell a guy that he's crossing a line with you. That to me is far more worrying than anything I've previously said, you see OP I'm 100% sure if he made a move on you in any of those maybes he may well have been able to steal a kiss, you've knowingly gotten into positions with him where he could have and you will again.
I hope of your husbands sake you choose to do the right thing here and I hope that if you don't your husband does what he has to. You're playing a dangerous game here OP and you're either ignorant to it or purposefully trying to disrespect your husband.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 November 2012):
OP: You can scold me ad infinitum, if you wish. I have no stake in this matter. You do.....
Good luck......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I don't see in your post anything indicating that you have interest in a man you described, OP. I detect a little that you might be flattered by attention of a handsome younger man, but that's about it. To be flattered and to be interested are two very much different things.
Also, I feel that your husband is overreacting, as he feels that his male ego is being diminished. In fact he has no control over this situation, nor can he make you do what he thinks you should do. Telling a man not to look at you when it's all he does might be very uncomfortable for both of you. This action would be validated if you felt that he needs to hear it, but you don't.
The fact that he is not even your close friend and doesn't even live in a same city, only occasionally visits, doesn't give me the reasons to believe that you should even bring up the unpleasant talk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Also, Sageoldguy, i dont know what his wifey is doing about his stares, because its really not my business, but hers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): You are VERY WRONG!!!!!!Sageoldguy!!
My awarness of this guy only because i m in general aware of people around me. I m having a converstaion with him bec ause he has converstaion with me!!!
I m friendly with people who are friendly with me. I dont know what you are doing looking for a hidden meaning behind my words, but i mean what i wrought and nothing else!!!
I m not REALLY asking others to validate his attention toward me.I m asking a different points of view, because this situation is unussual for me.
May be you should reread my post and see again what i ment.Good luck!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 November 2012):
I think that your having been SO ACUTELY AWARE of this guy's presence and actions TELLS ME that YOU are "interested" in him.... and NOT (only) that he has given evidence of interest in YOU!!!!!
IF you are dis-interested in this man.... then you "should" be ignoring him.... and your submittal would, then, have an entirely different tone.....
Please re-read what you've submitted and see if you aren't REALLY asking for "others" to validate this man's attention toward you.....
Good luck.....
P.S. He's MARRIED???? What the heck is his wifey doing whilest all this ogling and distracting is going on?????
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