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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: One of my male friends, maybe "friend" isn't the right word, has repeatedly been trying to get with me behind his girlfriends back.For example: the other night i was out with friends and he was in town, which i didn't know at the time. All night he was constantly asking to buy me drinks, i accepted one drink (i don't really like to drink) and after that he kept trying to get me to have more, i didn't. When it got to the end of the night he asked if we could go back to my place. I turned him down but he was jokingly saying "come on, please?" i pretended to find him funny and said "no" again, which he accepted.Maybe a week later, he was online and said hi and asked how i was. He was on a business trip for a few days so was staying in a hotel and told me he was a bit drunk. He said he was back in town around christmas and could we maybe "misbehave" when he's back. I said "what?" and he said, "well, it's not my fault that you're stunning and have amazing boobs" i just said i had to go and went offline.I don't know what to do about this. I don't mean going through with it, because i'm not going to do that. I mean, should i tell someone or just ignore it? I don't know his girlfriend because he lives a distance from me. I just feel it's unfair that he gets away with it and i'm sure i'm not the only girl he's doing this to. Help?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 No. "Easy " and "not Gf material " are NOT synonimous. Anyway he shows he feels he has a chance to get into your pants without even bothering tryng too hard.
"Take me to your place " at the end of a drunken night out, "let's misbehave " "amazing boobs ".Simple , forward, straight to the point. An indication of sexual interest ,but not exactly the language of love.Or a sign of caring about you as a person.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): "I know life's not fair and people get away with things like this all the time."
Well, that is because people all around them enable them to get away with it. If people didn't keep the "secret" then it wouldn't be so easy to do.
Tell his girlfriend, write her a nice note, tell her you don't want him talking to you again, and don't talk to him again. He will get pissed, but piss on him for all I care about that, and everyone else should as well.
Yeah, she might reject the messenger, but then again she would have had someone at least warn her that he's not what she may think he is. That is fair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): You know in neither of your followups do you say you're going to tell him to stop.
As they say there's no smoke without fire. Perhaps you should consider making him stop before it does develop into something more.
Something tells me you like it though, the only problem you're having is that he has a girlfriend and you're afraid people will get the wrong impression. Well they are going to get that impression, the more they see him flirting and coming on to you and you not rejecting him.
Well you're playing with fire if you don't tell him stop.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares, don't worry it wasn't my intention to tell his girlfriend. I know i would come off looking like a liar. I'm not some kind of easy girl, let me just make that clear. Do you think he thinks i'm a skank or something, when you say he doesn't see me as "girlfriend material?".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 December 2010):
Op, sorry, I did not mean the police either,- mine was an ( obviously feeble ) attempt at humour. A joke.
My point was simply : if you don't want him to make passes at you- you have to tell HIM. If you don't want him to bother you anymore- then you can stop him. Very easily. If you don't do that- well, maybe his sexual attentions do not bother you that much.
As for telling his gf, pardon me but I doubt that it would come from a generous spirit of female solidarity . Just because you hate seeing ANY woman cheated on.
I might be wrong of course, but maybe you think that if you rat on the guy you can split them up, and then you can have him back.
Veeeery improbable. The gf would choose to believe him, his
lies and justifications, - you'd just come out as a jealous , revengeful, spurned lover. And, sorry but I don't think that ,single or not, he'd consider you as dating material. He does not TALK to you as if you were gf material.
Really, OP, do what you feel like doing, but- the best revenge is living well. You are giving way too much time and thought to this thing. Let him go, forget about him and his gf ,- and live your life serenely , hopefully with a man that you can call your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): i would say somthing to his gf because your right if hes doing it to you hes doing it to someone else. which means even if you say no someelse will say yes and hes still ghetting away with cheating deff tell her even if you dont no her wouldnt you want to know...she be glad you told her because she knows who shes really with a creap
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd just like to point out that i didn't mean report him to the police i just meant should i tell a friend or, his girlfriend? I've decided to just stay out of it. I've known this guy for years so it's not like it's some stranger coming on to me or i feel threatend.
I just didn't know whether to mention it to someone or not. I know life's not fair and people get away with things like this all the time. I just don't know why he's coming on to me when he's in a LDR with this girl. If i lived near him then you could say it's because i'm closer and she's not around but i live further away than she does.
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (13 December 2010):
If you are really against of his overtures, then first you should tell him that if he continues this behavior then you will complain about it - maybe at his g/f.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This sounds like harrassment. Have you got a friend you can talk to? How about another male friend that you can trust and talk to about guys like him? If I were in your shoes, I would ask another male friend that I can trust to be with me at all times when going to places that I know he might go. I would also ask all of my friends that I went to these places to go and walk home with. I would also block him from emails and instant messaging.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 December 2010):
Whom do you want to tell ?... The police ?...
Being a sleaze it's not against the laws. Maybe it should be :)- it should be a misdemeanour and entail a heavy fine ,or community service; but it is not .
You have a very simple solution to your dilemma, a solution that, interestingly enough, you stubbornly refuse to adopt :
don't talk to him. Ever. Block him from your phone, from your MSN or Facebook etc. If you meet him in public, be icy- or just turn your back to him.
He is not doing anything to you that you not let him do.
If I don't want a guy complimenting my boobs, he'll do it once- after which, my INEQUIVOCABLE reaction will show him that from now on he'd better go compliment his sister.
It's very easy, and if you don't do it, - you must have your own good reasons, but then what's the point in complaining.
But that's not fair, you say, he's getting away with it.
Guess what, life is not fair, in fact it contains much unfairness . Pick your battles, if you are worried about fairness on principle , use your sense of fairness to fight against war, or famine, or poverty- something that is REALLY unfair. Always better than obsessing over a situation that you can stop with a click of your mouse !
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Just let me this clear again, you're the enabler here, he would have stopped a long time ago and wouldn't try it again if you were forthright in your opinion of what he was doing and said it to him.
But instead you laugh off his offer to go to your place, you log off, you refuse more drinks and even worse you know want to pass the buck, but all the while the door is still open for him to try again.
You can tell people all you want, but you let this happen, he can easily make the excuse that he was drunk and you got the wrong impression and people will believe him because you let him get away with by passing it off instead of telling him to piss off.
You must have some female friends that have absolutely no time for fools, you know the ones I mean? The kind of girl that would be very blunt with this guy straight away and tell him to feck off. Did you ever notice how easily they can just brush off a guy, how they never seem to have guys sleaze on them. You see they understand that the softly softly approach doesn't work with sleazes, while you're standing there cringing at this guy touching you and trying to chat you up. They're getting chatted up by genuine guys because they don't waste time on sleaze bags.
Take a leaf out of their book. You don't tame a guy with feather you have to use a sledge hammer or he's just going to think you're playing hard to get.
You see this guy thinks all he has to do is keep trying and he'll get you because you're either too afraid or too soft to tell him where to go.
It's easy as hell, you just tell him and you block him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): You know there's one thing I'll never understand about women, why do they let things they're uncomfortable with continue by playing along when all they have to do is tell a guy a nice stern "not going to happen, ever!"
"I just feel it's unfair that he gets away with it" Oh really? Then why are you playing along? You say you're not but you haven't told this guy where to get off at all. In fact you've the left the door nice and open for him. You figured out pretty quickly this guy is a sleaze and yet you haven't made anything clear to him at all. You talk to him online after that night he tried to get you drunk to take advantage of you and when he comes onto you online you say "I have to go" and log off instead of telling the guy where he can shove his offer. Or calling him out for the sleaze that he is.
Now instead of telling this guy to piss off, you want to "tell someone" instead, maybe hoping someone else will deal with him so you don't have to.
Now he's been "repeatedly" trying to get with you, well you know what half of that is down to you letting him. Instead of making this fool back off, you just refuse the little things then complain that he keeps trying, even though you haven't told him to back off. What is it? You say you don't like this kind of attention, yet you won't stop him giving you this kind of attention. I bet you're still friend with this guy on facebook and everything.
Well get used to it because you're not going to stop him and he will continue and no, don't tell anyone because that then makes you look bad for not telling him to take a hike. It makes you look either interested in him or an attention seeker, because trust me it's exceptionally easy to make a guy like that stop. You tell him to piss off and you block him.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Never drink with this man again. What if he put GBH into your drink? You would be vunerable to his abuse. Never have him in your home. He has already signaled his intentions.
Shut him out. Be firmer and let him know connecting with you is not going to happen. I know you mean it, but this man is persistant and not to be trusted.
The man is a feral dog. Looking out for anyone willing to go with him.
And once a cheater always a cheater.
He probably does it all the time. You don't need to tell his girl friend. Girls never want to believe their bf would do it, and usually reject the messenger. Until it is glaringly obvious.
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