A
female
age
51-59,
*ailinglas
writes:I am 36 and married for 7 years to a wonderful, wonderful man. 2 years into our marriage I slept with another man - it happened twice, a month apart. looking back, a number of things were happening in my life. I had left my country to follow my husband to his; I was unhappy and struggling with a new language and culture. My husband was in a new job in a city where we hadn't envisaged living. I was struggling to build some kind of career that resembled that I had left behind. I totally accept that the unhappiness I felt for these reasons was a result of a choice that I made: that to follow my husband. It was within my power to at least try harder to change things. I was also trying to come to terms, for the first real time, with the sexual abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my grandfather (when I was 4 / 5 years of age). I had constantly pushed this to the back of my mind and never spoke about it to anyone because I believed it not to be "so bad"; crudely put, he never penetrated me but liked to "feel me up". For some insane reason I thought that, compared to what others had suffered in terms of sexual abuse, I had got off lightly and it was no big deal. I now know how wrong I was and feel that this was, in no small way, a factor in my "fall from grace".I always liked to consider myself a good person, someone who didn't do wrong or hurt others - but I did something so terribly bad, I cheated on my husband, the dearest person in my life. I could have avoided it and I didn't. It was so, so out of character and I felt depressed and shocked by my actions for a long time after. But I never told him. I was frightened to loose him. I justified this by telling myself that it would destroy him to know I had cheated - I know he would be upset and had told me more than once that it would be the end for us if I ever strayed. He never, ever would cheat on me on principle, and I'd lay my life on that. I don't deserve him and somewhere, out of the blue it has all come back to me - what I did, the abuse, everything. I do know that my circumstances at the time were not easy, but although I was very muddled, confused and unhappy, I should have used my intelligence and sorted things out another way.Today I am thinking about counselling. I am also thinking that I should tell my beautiful hubby everything but wondering if that is just to make me feel better for the awful thing I did. I made a promise to myself that I would dedicate myself to him, support him and have done that every day since. I feel terrible and justly so. I am crying a lot on my own. I don’t want to hurt him or loose him. If I tell him about the infidelity I need to tell him about the abuse as I now think, without making excuses, that they were linked in some way. Sleeping with another person, induced by alcohol, helped me feel in control, like I was taking a bold decision on my own. Stupid, just so stupid. I see that now – it only served to add to my plight. I love my husband, he deserves better than me. I need to make a decision and it is so, so difficult. We are going on holiday soon, our first in years, maybe that is the time to talk.
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cheated on my husband, depressed, infidelity, on holiday Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): yes, please tell him EVERYTHING. and talk before you go on holiday. what you have to say should not be said while on holiday. perhaps then while on holiday you two need to start working on the marriage. if you tell him on holiday it will ruin everything and you don't want that.
i do not condone cheating and whether it is linked ( as you believe) to your abuse or you are just using it as an excuse, is not for me to pass judgement. you know what you have experienced. but realise this, your hb is a good man, he doesn't deserve a cheater. you need to be brutally honest about all in your past. if you still want a future with him then you need to be 100% honest. this marriage will only survive if you are faithful and honest and you communicate. yes, and plse seek counselling both for the abuse and the cheating and plse come to terms (and make peace)with what you have done to your hb.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Often, people are faced with the feeling of guilt for something they have done in their past. Indeed, this may cause you to come out and tell all to the love of your life or the friend that means so much to you, or the family member that you've been close to since your childhood. Whatever that reason may be, sometimes it is better to let the past go and continue forward into the future, so long as you know you will no longer make the same mistakes you made before. Others may argue that you have broken the trust and connection between your husband and yourself and to come out now, would be something honorable to do. Unfortunately, not every individual is brought up the same way. The countless questions that are posted throughout DearCupid is proof of that. If your relationship with your husband has since been very good and you have no more reasons to break that trust again, then there is no reason why you must tell him.About your guilt, that is 'normal'. It is cause and effect. If your husband is understanding and mature, he may listen to your confession and in time, forgive you and move forward with you. Otherwise, what you have now may break apart. It may allow you to feel better that your past is now open and in the air, but you would also have just destroyed the connection you two have built on since your mistake. Always be aware of what you have now and what you could have in the future. Is he happy with you now? Are you happy with him now? Will you two continue to be happy in the future? If you answer yes to all of them, then there is no more reason why your past must come up. However, if you must selfishly rid yourself of this guilt, then you may bring this up with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Hi
It is my opinion that you should NOT tell your husband - it will break his heart and your relationship willl never be the same again - once you have told him you will not be able to go back...it is clear you are deeply remorseful - it will not happen again - make your decision to have councelling as what youare going to do constructively to correct the mistake but suffer not telling him - live with it and remember that you will hurt him too deeply if you tell him - in my experience men find it extremely hard to accept that another man has had his wife - their reactions can be understandably extreme if they are themsleves faithful - their pride is hurt as much as their feelings - you will not be able to judge how badly he will react - from what you have said expect to have a lot of physical damage done a lot of extremely bad language that he willlater regret but not be able to take back - he might walk out and you may not see him in the same way again - in theory considering the right ethics, the right thing to do is to tell him and accept his wrath, change in how he relates to you - he will no longer trust you etc but given your circumstances and remorse I think you will jointly suffer less if you can take the guilt as your punishment and make up to him for it by keeping it to yourself and getting the councelling and never doing it again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): There is absolutely NO justification for your actions. No abuse, no moving to a new country, no feeling lonely and depressed.. nothing. You haven't come to accept full and absolute responsibilty yet and it you're going to tell your husband that you cheated on him, you can make NO excuses. There are a LARGE number of us who have experienced abuse and rape of all kinds at all ages and tons of us feeling down in the dirt but that does not excuse us from actions such as yours. You should have told him a long time ago about your past and abuse so that he would knwo you better, and why you are who you are.
But if you tell him you cheated on him, you do not need to tell him you were abused. It seems like you're trying to make yourself feel better for doing wrong becuase you had wrong done unto you, but there is no need to serve your betrayal with a guilt trip.
"honey i cheated on you, but i was sexually abused so please don't leave me."
NO. The two are unrelated events.
You said you cheated and that you were shocked and confused by your actions, yet did it a month later!
I'm not here to tell you whether or not to admit it. Others will tell you that. I'm just here to tell you that if you do, you cannot blame it on anything but your stupidity.
~SY.
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