A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:What are my next steps? Do I tell my wife?Recently, I had a sexual fling with a married woman who's husband found out about the fling through an e-mail he found on the computer. I am terribly upset about my digression and my lack of moral character. I think about it all of the time and want to do the right thing. I pray for forgiveness and want to live as a much better person. I will never do anything like this again.The fling was just a fling, there was no other motive. The woman that I had the fling with was very aggressive and seems to have had distress in her marriage that she denied when the fling started.After her husband found out, the holes in their relationship came roaring out. Once he found out, he called me out. Feeling miserable about what I did to him and his family, I felt that I owed talking to him. So I met him face to face. Really meeting him was difficult but no closure came of it. Nor could I tell him all that happened as his wife already lied to conceal some of the truth.It all started through a series of dares, e-mails, and really for no real good reason at all. I love my wife, we have our usual ups and downs, but she is a great loving person. We have a great life together. I had a severe lapse of judgement. Sex was offered and I took the bait. It lasted for a few encounters until I called it off and then her husband found out.He very recently e-mailed me and wondered how I could live with myself. If I sleep at night. That he and his wife are stormy and his family a mess.I feel horrible. How could I have done this?I need to know how I should react to him. While his wife has tried to contact me, I refuse to respond to her. Should I tell my wife?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Before you come clean to your wife, come clean to yourself. There definitely WAS a motive for your behavior, and you need to acknowledge why you behaved this way. Your wife will hate you even more if you tell her your actions were meaningless because that means you destroyed her for no reason.
Tell her the WHOLE truth. You cheated because you liked the danger and excitement. You got off on lying and deceiving her. You enjoyed the opportunity to have sex with someone else. You probably would have continued if you hadn't been caught. You are a lowly bastard and don't deserve her, but you truly hope she can love you and look at you the same way again.
You need to spend everyday for the rest of your natural life making things up to her without complaint.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): I am failing to understand your concept of “love” . you make many claims of having love for your wife. If you really really loved and valued her, truly respected her you would NEVER betray her. I think you have a false sense of decency and false concept of right vs wrong. You need to do some proper soul searching and try to figure out whether you actually deserve to be married to your faithful wife.
I can only imagine what your lovers husband was going through. His pain, his turmoil and ultimately his humiliation. You just have no idea what you and your lover have done to him. You both have turned his world upside down and you both have destroyed your marriages. At least he now knows what his wife is really. As for your wife , she is blissfully unaware that her apparent faithful decent husband was nothing but a scheming adulterous cad. How did you manage two lives – one playing doting father and faithful hb and the other, lustful lover? The lies told to your wife, covering your tracks and even looking her in the eye playing the faithful decent hb. If you managed all this without coming clean then you have more problems than you care to admit. Right now you believe that you are a good decent man but it is your actions that speak volumes. A man who loved his wife would not be f*cking someone eles wife. You cared nothing about the consequences of your adultery and the best is to come clean. If you want to turn over a new leaf, if you want your marriage to amount to something then you need to admit your cheating to your wife. If not then what marriage do you have actually. One based on lies and half truths, one full of secrets and omissions.
The truth has a way of coming out when you least expect it. How many people know about your affair. Don’t be too sure that no one else knows . Where there is stink there is sure a way of getting the juicy gossip. What would you prefer, a grieving hb (your lovers) wanting revenge and spilling the beans that you have been f*cking his wife? Or you telling her first so that it comes from you and not someone who wants to destroy her even further. You need to decide whether she is worth the fight. And i think she is SO get talking- confess your wrong doing and start saving your marriage. If no, welcome to the life of a bitter divorced man who threw away his wife and kids just for a mere F*ck. Love? What love for your wife if you do not have the balls to come clean.? Be a man and decide to do the right thing. How do you even sleep at night knowing what you were up to. Where was your conscious then? Where is it now? I can understand you saying you made a mistake once. But you contined to have sex with this married woman. To me it was deliberate and you CHOOSE to cheat on your wife.
Please look up the definition of love, faithfulness, marital vows, and lastly HUSBAND. Which one of these did you defile. One or all. I think you know the answer. It is all about choices and you choose - freely, purposefully and conveniently.
The above is not what you want to hear but somewhere in your soul perhaps there lurks a decent man and that decent man would now want to do the right thing........and it starts with a confession. You have a long road to gaing your wifes trust ........but it would be worth it. If you keep your half truths and lies then say hello to life without the wife and kids.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 What do you hope to achieve by telling her ?
That you fell into her trap and was tempted by her and could not resist her in a moment of weakness.
That she will forgive you and say everything is OK and carry on life as usual, like nothing happens ?
Is she an angel?
Do you foresee such a scenario exist?
Do you want to transfer all your guilt to your wife and think that you have being absolved of all your sins?
Do you think it is better to keep one's secret locked in a box and throw the key in to the deepest ocean where no one can find it ?
Sure , go ahead and tell her and take the risk.
Your marriage will never be the same again or even worse fate, if you still have a marriage anymore.
Consider the pros and the cons before you made that decision.
As to that man , you can either settle or make peace with him or just ignore both of them unless they give you hell.
I would agree with the post by Anon . Keep it to yourself unless you are exposed.You will have to live with the guilt all your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): You want to tell her so YOU can feel better, even though you know this revelation will tear her apart. I think you should keep your mouth shut and live with the guilt of your actions every day for the rest of your natural life. Kind of like a life sentence in prison. I think that's adequate punishment for what you did.
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A
female
reader, Shann1  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 First of all, we all know that the internet can be a problem. If you started to e-mail this woman, knowing that you have a wife and love her dearly, then tell me why and how could you do this to your wife? Life is hard enough. Did you even think about your wife while you started to email this other woman? You were totally wrong and if you really want closure then tell your wife! She deserves the truth and let her make her own decision. Your fling was wrong to begin with and you being a married man should have known better, that nothing good would come out of this. That is the problem with men, they think they can get away with everything. Now what if your wife did this to you??? So you see,all that happened was one be headache and alot of heartache! I know what I am feeling as I have a husband who cheated and to be honest, it will never be the same. To top, it is stuff like this that destroys lives and makes a true person like me have a very difficult time trusting again. Now be a real man, step up to the plate and tell your wife. What ever happens, well you can thank yourself for that.
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A
female
reader, kalligirl +, writes (19 February 2010):
Yes!!! You should tell your wife.How would you feel if she did that to you?
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