A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A guy from one of my college classes walked me to my car the other day (10 mins out of his way). He asked if I was single, I said no, he suggested he was interested. I took it as a compliment. Since then I helped him out with a class he missed, sent him a copy of a trial exam. He said he owed me a coffee before our class, I turned it down. Should I tell my boyfriend about it? I know if I tell him, he's going to worry and feel anxious over it. At the same time I feel its wrong to not mention it. He feels uncomfortable when I talk to male friends. He sometimes seems a little insecure about our relationship.
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): You don't need to announce it to your bf, especially if he's a bit insecure - just stop giving this other guy signals that you're interested. There are other people in your class he can go to for things.
He made it clear he was interested, you told him you were attached. He has since been offering coffee...do the guy a favour and just don't reply to stuff, say hi in passing but make it obvious you're not interested.
If you're secure in your relationship it can be funny to hear of situations people have attempted to chat your partner up, but at this time just step back before your bf has reason to believe your hiding something from him.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 September 2014):
 If you're considering whether or not to "tell" someone something, how about telling this guy that you are in a relationship with someone else?? The best way to deal with this is to shoot down this guy with no hope for him whatsoever. The fact that you're not only keeping this guy closer than you should and NOT shooting him down, but doing things with someone obviously interested in you means that you are enjoying his attentions, and like it or not, you're hedging your bets.
The time to tell your boyfriend about this guy is when you, after doing the right thing and telling the guy "look, you're a good guy and all, but I'm not going to lead you on. It's never going to happen. I have a boyfriend and am very happy with him, and given your interest in me, I don't think we should carry on as friends." If this guy doesn't take a hint after the blatant shoot-down, THEN you tell your boyfriend you're being harassed.
Tell your boyfriend about this guy AFTER you shoot down his present interest and future possibility with you. Then you tell your boyfriend that this guy hit on you and you shot him down. He needs to know that he can trust you, otherwise it'll come off as you wanting attention from your boyfriend's jealousy, and then it turns into a Betty/Veronica thing only with them being guys. A loving girlfriend wouldn't even dream of putting the man she loves through that.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 September 2014):
 Your cognitive dissonance is caused by your guilt.
You feel guilty enjoying the attentions of a man who has every intentions of trying to win you.
Telling him you were not single is good. NOW to ACT like it.
THE fact that you ASK whether or not to tell your boyfriend is disconcerting since I define cheating as this:
"ANYTHING you can't don't or WON'T tell your partner is cheating"
therefore based on my definition of cheating you not telling your BF about this other guy meets the criteria.
If you come back and say "but I was doing nothing wrong, I'm not cheating" then my question is 'why didn't you tell him"
when guys hit on me (granted some of them are 70) I am so amused by it I tell my husband as soon as I can. It would never occur to me not to tell him. He too is amused.
Your boyfriend is insecure about the relationship... do you know why?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): No you should not tell him. You are a woman. Men are going to make passes at you. It is a part of life. You can't live in a shell just because you have a boyfriend. My boyfriend knows men hit on me. I don't have to run home and tell him about it. He doesn't want to hear about it. Why place that much importance on another dude anyway, to have to bring him up to the man that you love? It's not that you got hit on that will make him feel insecure. Every guy likes to be with a pretty girl who is desired by others. It's the fact that you even care enough to bring it up that will make him feel insecure.My boyfriend and I were friends for a couple of years before we started dating. He has seen me get hit on plenty of times. What he has always said he likes about me is the way I handle myself around men. I place zero importance on guys who hit on me. It happens. I don't care. I am not that easily swayed or impressed. Unless you like this other guy, you have absolutely no reason to tell him. Just enjoy that people find you attractive and above all be a good girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2014):
 I agree, YOU need to have some clear boundaries.
Would you be OK with a girl macking on your BF and then your BF turns around and helps her out?
My guess is this guy thinks that you are helping him because you are considering his "offer". Not because you JUST like the attention and compliments.
You feel it's wrong because YOU know it wouldn't be OK with your BF.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (9 September 2014):
Boundaries, my dear, boundaries. You're encouraging this boy, and that needs to stop. That's why you feel guilty. I wouldn't tell him, but I would cut contact with this boy immediately.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 I wouldn't be so inclined to say were even "hit on" Sounds like an innocent act of kindness. why start a war over a trivial matter? Good Luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 You need to learn to act appropriately when in a relationship. Letting other guys walk you to your car 10 minutes out of their way and then offering to help them with class is inappropriate. I know it may seem harmless but if a guy shows an interest you need to be polite but firm, not allowing them to stroke your ego and do things that suggests an interest in your part.
Why do you feel the need to tell your BF about it? Don't do this other guy anymore favours and leave it at that. In future when a man shows he is keen its best to back off, not help them with class.
Having someone show an interest is flattering and complimentary BUT, if you are in a relationship, its always best to stay away where possible. Your BF wont be too happy if he fins out you are helping a guy with his studies after he walked you to your car showing an interest, plus this other guy wont feel to good if you play with his feelings. If he was keen to get to know you in that way and you offer to help him study while with a BF then its going to make him more enthusiastic but with nothing to gain.
Mark
...............................
|
