A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, well my situation is, i was wondering should i tell my husband about a fling i had. (Sorry this is a bit long) We hit a very rough patch in our marriage at the time. My husband left me for three months, no reason given, i was devastated and cried for most of this period, went into a period of depression,seeked medical help, lost weight, could not work and got counselling to try and sort myself out. During this period, there was this older man that i knew before and he was a bit of support for me, we kissed once (just kissed) while i was with my husband, but while i went through this, i met him as a friend two or three times, eventually it lead to us sleeping together. My husband asked me to come back, so i did, but we broke up again as i could not forget what happened, so left again, as my mind was totally confused by getting involved with this older man. Since then we are now together, i told this older guy that i am back in my marriage and not to contact me anymore, so this is finished. Now, my husband asked me, was i with anyone when we were apart, i told him no as i was caught off the hop and did not want to hurt him as i know that it would either be the end of our marriage or things would never be ok with us again. My mum says not to say anything to him, as there is no reason for him to know. I prefer not to tell him to be honest as thing are going brilliantly with us now. I am just afraid he will find out though someone else, that this older man will tell a so called friend of mine and my husband will find out. Although my husband does not know them that well they are people i know, i am nervous about this alot.Please help me, i know i did wrong, so please try not to be hard to on me. Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I don't think it would have been wrong never to tell him, but I think it was wrong to have lied to him about it.
When he left and you split up, I assume there must have been some kind of understanding about this. Even if it was just unsaid and assumed, there had to be something. (Did he sleep with anyone else during this time? Would you both have assumed that he had the right to do it if he had wanted to?)
Oh boy, if I was in his shoes I would be pissed now. I'd hate to hear it, but I would hate to hear it a lot more if it stayed a secret for years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): You did nothing wrong. You needed a friend and the older man was that friend. You was actually single at the time and you have no reason to tell the hubby. If he insist on asking then maybe it is because he done the same thing only feeling quilty about it and if he ever admits that to you then feel proud that you got fucked too honey and dont ever tell him about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Your husband left you for 3 months with no reason. You had no idea if he would come back to you. What are you supposed to do - just sit around crying. I don't think that you did anything wrong. Would I be happy if I were your husband and you told me that you had slept with someone while I was away. No, but I would have to deal with it. My wife and I both believe that honesty is very important. That is why she told me about her sex life between leaving her first husband and starting to date me. She wasn't happy with what she had done and neither was I, but she was honest and I learned to live with what I didn't like.
I can't tell you what you should do, but if I were your husband I would want to know the truth. It would hurt, but finding out that you had lied to me and continued to lie if I discovered the truth would be devastating. I would be much more likely to leave if I discovered the lie than if I were told the unhappy truth.
As I said, I don't think that you did anything wrong. You don't know how many women he slept with. Maybe none and maybe several. If he can't handle the truth and understand that he caused you to do what you did, then perhaps you are better off without him. Perhaps not. That has to be your decision. If I really loved you, I would stay with you, even knowing the truth and realizing that my behavior pushed you into the affair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I think you know that if you tell him you had an affair, that it would devistate him, and that it would proabably end the relationship, and the future with him wouldn't be the same unless he was able to fully forgive you.
Not telling him, you run the risk of him finding out, and again, he would no longer trust you, and the future again would depend on whether he would be able to understand the circumstances. Either way, I had something like this happen to me, and I feel that if I could control myself, then my girl should be able to, and the relationship would be over if I found out she had cheated.
You have a tough choice to make. Under the circumstances, your mental and emotional stability would not handle telling him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Original Poster replies:
Thanks anony for your advice, when i told him no i was not with anyone, i ask what would he do if i was, he said if it was just a kiss then its ok, but anything more he would not be able to handle that, so that why it think it would be better not to say anything....dont know really.
Our relationship is great now, getting on brilliantly so i dont want to ruin my second chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): It's good that you went to counselling. Could you do couples counselling together?
If your husband has asked you the question, it sounds like he might suspect anyway. And you are afraid of him finding out from someone else. So maybe best to tell him. After all, you were vulnerable at the time and have cut contact with the man. Be prepared for your husband to be angry and upset though.
If you have got back together there is some strength in the relationship and this is worth working on.
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