A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a messed up situation that I can't see out without losing my boyfriend who I have been with for three years. Basically, last September I had a miscarriage during my 9th week of pregnancy. We had only known for 2 weeks when I lost our baby. My boyfriend didn't react at all, he just carried on as normal which I just couldn't do. We hadn't planned the pregnancy but I was so excited about being a mother.As a result of what happened and the way he reacted, I broke up with him, despite his pleas for me not too.I was angry, depressed and unsure of our future, and I regret it now. We were apart for a few months, and during this time I spent a lot of time with a mutual friend of ours. We work together and he offered to take me to and from work, back to my parents where I was staying. It was purely innocent, until I opened up to him about losing my baby, and he comforted me for a while. After a few weeks of this, he tried to make a move, and I allowed him to. We only slept together once but now I'm back with my boyfriend, I feel like I should be honest and explain that I slept with our friend and why I did. We are really trying to work through things and although we haven't moved back in together yet, he is constantly asking me to. I feel like I need to tell him before I take that step. He was always in contact with me during our break up, and he is truly sorry for the way he reacted but I understand now that he did so because it was his way of dealing with it and I should of understood.Our friend and I realized it shouldn't have happened and agreed not to tell my boyfriend but I just can't get it out of my head I should.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Here's the problem with not telling your BF: This other friend/hookup is not out of your lives forever now, is he? Your BF does not have the right to know everything about you when you weren't together. That is the past. But your BF most definitely DOES have the right to know if you are still in contact with former sex partners after getting back together with your BF. That is something in the present and future.If you are still friendly with this other guy then you are doing that. You are staying in contact with another former lover behind your BF's back. Even if your BF knows you are friendly with the guy, your BF does not know that he is a former lover. Keeping this secret equals lying by omission which its still lying. You didn't get into this fix by a standard act of cheating and lying but you have arrived at the same endpoint if you don't come clean now.Either this other guy must get totally out of your lives (both yours and your BF's) permanently now, or else your BF has the right to know that your relationship with the friend became sexual.
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 I too agree with a lot of people here even if it's a little bit disturbing from your boyfriend's point of view: you were not a couple anymore.
Yet, you are a couple again, and this "accident" is not without consequence as this period can be re-considered like a break in your relationship.
My advice is to tell your boyfriend the truth (if he is strong enough to face it) and to cut any link with your "part-time" lover as anyway, you can't be "just friend" with him any longer, a measure of security for you and of respect for your boyfriend.
Actions... reactions... Regrets and consequences.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 If you're starting all over again on a clean slate, then you should tell him. You will always have the guilt in your mind if you don't and you never really know when your "friend" decides to change his mind, especially since he has/had feelings for you. He surely wont be too happy seeing you get back with your B/f, would he? And what if he blackmails you later? I know this might sound far-fetched but anything is possible. In any case, you were broken up so you technically didnt cheat on your B/f so you didn do anything wrong per se and that makes all the more sense why you should tell him whatever happened so you have nothing to hide
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 January 2014):
I wouldn't tell him, unless for some reason you feel you can't move on unless you do.
The reality is that it shouldn't be relevant- you were broken up. So confessing you slept with someone then is the same as confessing you slept with someone before you started dating in the first place.
I hope you don't feel guilt about it, you shouldn't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Thanks, like I see it - that made more sense....
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (23 January 2014):
 I think the OP is saying she was with this guy for three years, found out she was 7 weeks pregnant by him last September, and only knew about the pregnancy for another two weeks before losing the baby to miscarriage in the 9th week?
Anyway...
OP, I am very sorry to hear you suffered the loss of a pregnancy. It's understandable that you would feel grief afterward and frustration that your boyfriend didn't empathize with your feelings or show sadness himself.
Please don't be harsh on yourself about what happened. You were broken up with your boyfriend at the time, the grieving process affected your judgment, and you sought comfort from someone who was willing to provide you that when your boyfriend was not. What you went through was probably one of the most vulnerable times in your life, if not THE most.
Unless you had only ever slept with your boyfriend previously, and unless being with someone who's had another partner besides him is a moral or religious deal-breaker for him in a relationship, I don't think you should bring this up to him. For one thing, it happened during a breakup and is none of his business unless you contracted an STD that could threaten his health. But more importantly all it does is get rid of (some of) your guilt at the expense of your boyfriend's happiness and peace of mind. It's pretty clear that the third party involved is no threat to your relationship in that you recognize the liaison as a one-time mistake.
Unless you are ready to drive a new wedge between you and your partner, I'd honestly let it drop. If you tell him this, the odds are better than good that he will bring it up to you in the future when you disagree about something, EVEN THOUGH you weren't his girlfriend at the time and therefore weren't being unfaithful to him.
Good luck and best wishes whatever you decide :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2014):
So many inconsistencies with your timing, I'm getting totally lost.
How can you be 9 weeks pregnant, if you only been together for 2 weeks?
And how can he be your BF of 3 years if you met last September?
Anyhow, yes, the truth has a way of coming out one way or another. I would ASK him how he would feel if you had been with someone while you were on your "break". And I would necessarily tell him who, unless YOU feel that is vital to the story.
The thing is though, IF you were on a break, you weren't together so I don't really see how he can be mad over it, but I DO know that people tend to not like it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): Well if it was me I would tell him before you take that step. And since it seems to 've on your mind alot then it is better as their should be no secrets.
You wasn't together when you slept with your friend so you wasn't cheating on him.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 January 2014):
If telling you your boyfriend what you did would improve your relationship then go for it. You were not together, and who knows, maybe he slept with someone too. Now don’t get all paranoid about that comment and go asking him if he slept with someone. My point is you were not a couple. You have to be in a relationship to cheat.
Consider this a new beginning and leave it at that. What’s done is done, and even if you told him now, it still would not change the past. If he was your husband, I would say yes.
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