A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI have had, in the past, many abusive relationships. I have suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia (still suffer but I am very positive and proactive) and I haven't had an easy life but the good thing is that I am strong despite all that's happened, although I do have a soft heart.I have finally found the man of my dreams...and it took a long time! He is sensitive, caring, very intelligent, great sense of humour and loves me to bits...and I really do love him (I didn't think I'd ever find anyone to love!).But...there has to be a but, doesn't there?! He was married for 28 years to a woman with OCD and she left him in a very heartless, cold way that broke his heart. This was more than two years ago. One of the problems is, when he was with her, they ran up huge debts, remortgaging the house and credit card bills and he was silly enough to hand over all financial responsibility to her and they both knew how to spend! As a result of this, he is so tight with money with me. He earns a very good wage in today's climate and I have much much less than him but I am nearly always the one who pays for meals when we are out. He is so tight with money, sometimes we sit in virtual darkness to save on the lec bill! If we are out for just an hour, he turns everything off at the mains to save on the electricity and even though now that I am living with him, as the house is his, I give him money towards me living there, I am actually paying him the same amount as his mortgage. When we go grocery shopping, he buys the cheapest stuff and I have paid for so much in the past. He never treats me to a surprise meal. At Christmas, the presents he got me were impersonal and not expensive, and me being me, had overdone it. Yesterday I complained to him and said it wasn't fair, when was the last time he treated me to a meal? He just went quiet. I have got him little gifts in the past as well, as we haven't been together long, but he doesn't do the same for me. Oh he got me a mug once!Perhaps when the bills are paid off (which will take a long time!) it will be different, but it feels like I'm paying (literally) for his and his ex wife's past mistakes. I am far from money orientated, quite the opposite, I am very generous (stupidly really, but I get so much pleasure from giving) but this feels wrong.What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): There are a few red-flags here. You and I smell a rat!
"He is sensitive, caring, very intelligent, great sense of humour and loves me to bits...and I really do love him "
He's stingy. All that other stuff is out-weighed by
this. You can pretend to be all that other stuff.
You are paying the amount of the mortgage payment, and foot the bill for entertainment; while he regulates all the spending. Maybe moving in was a bit premature. Now that you look back in hindsight. Any situation is reversible. So no need to beat yourself up about it.
He is an extreme miser, and behaving like he is still living with his ex. There are ways to budget without going to such extremes. You don't dump your financial problems on your girlfriend. He sounds creepy.
Being in love is complicated. There will always be ups and downs. There are things that aren't supposed to intrude on a relationship, that can erode it over time. You also have to feel-out a potential mate; before making a commitment and moving in; lock, stock, and barrel.
You have to know what the financial atmosphere will be before-hand. You might get used. I think you're feeling suspicious, by the tone of your post.
Too much difficulty within a relationship is a sign that it is in-trouble. There will always be challenges, and a few disagreements. Nobody's perfect. No relationship is perfect.
If problems are resolved, and everyone comes out unscathed; that is the sign of a healthy and flourishing relationship.
If you consistently find yourself in unhealthy relationships. It means you are making poor choices, and you're not learning anything from previous failures. You have to examine what the men you've wrongfully committed to have in-common? What is it about the "type" you're consistently drawn to, that seems to always be too difficult to maintain a good relationship? You also have to acknowledge your own flaws and weaknesses.
Eliminate that type of man from your life, and watch out for the red-flags and deal-breakers.
Don't allow desperation to force you into settling for the wrong man, to alleviate loneliness. Or because you don't think you are worthy of anything better. We all have our faults.
People dealing with emotional or mental disorders; have to make sure their partners are patient and understanding.
Their partners must be knowledgeable, and counseled on how to deal with your emotional or psychological impediments. It should neither be sprung nor thrust upon people. I know in your case, he knows. He has his own problems.
There will be a lot of trial and error for you to find a suitable partner; because mental disorders contribute heavily to the difficulty in a relationship. They often will not last.You still have to try and believe in yourself.
It takes a lot more effort to survive as a couple; when mental-health issues flair up. Not everyone is prepared,or equipped, to handle personality disorders.It's hard enough for the person afflicted to deal with their problems.
Life is a constant challenge for you. That will also weigh heavily on your chosen partners. So in your case, it may be more difficult than usual. It all depends on the severity of your issues; and how well you are able to function in spite of them.
If you feel the conditions in which you are living is affecting your psychological well-being. It may be healthier to move out.
I think you moved-in, in too much of a hurry. Before you were totally aware of his money situation. Now you're his supplemental income; paying off his debt. Making strange
cutbacks, and living on a shoestring. Strange is an understatement. It's scary too.
If you are paying disproportionately more toward living expenses, you are in fact being used.
You may be supporting this man; while he pays off his debt.
However; you do have some responsibility to share living expenses. As long as it is fair and reasonable. He has no right to deprive you; if you are paying your share. He can go out of his way sometimes. Part of loving someone is being willing to share, and to show them your generosity. It doesn't mean you have to cause yourself hardship. However; you sometimes have to make personal sacrifice as an act of appreciation.
Love is not supposed to be that "difficult." It isn't always going to be perfect either. If it becomes too difficult to endure and robs you of happiness; then it should come to an abrupt ending.
No if's, and's, or buts.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (23 January 2014):
Seems to me that he's trying to be smart about his finances so he can dig himself out of that hole from his prior marriage. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then so be it,but would you rather have him shower you with gifts and dinners and have creditors banging on the door? Look, I understand some of your points, I do,and agree that it wouldn't hurt him to loosen up a little and pay for dinner once in a while. But you knew about his debt going into this, right? He's got to make sacrifices in order to get out of it. I don't understand for instance, your point about turning off all the lights when you leave- to me this is just common sense and it's a waste of money to leave things running. You have some valid points, but you're also being too harsh and unfairly judging ALL of his money saving efforts. I hope you two can find a middle ground.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
 I would take your money, go and buy your own home and move in there, put your money to work for YOU, not to pay off his debts. Which is, of course, what you are doing.
You can continue to date him if the relationship is strong enough, but I think you are now aware that you resent his penny-pinching ways and that you will get to experience them in all their dark and dreary glory for a long time.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2014):
 I think "... you're (I'm) paying (literally) for his and his ex wife's past mistakes..." and, along with all the rest of the details that you've given.... you've gotten yourself in to a rediculous situation which has no evidence of a positive outcome for you...
Of course he "...loves me (you) to bits.... " you're playing "wallet" in his charade of a "relationship."
If you were my Sister, I'd tell you to get away from this guy now.... and stay away from him forever....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 January 2014):
You said you found the man of your dreams…were you dreaming of this kind of man? By what you said about him, ever think he might be the one with OCD? Or maybe his ways drove his wife to divorce?
Talk to your partner and let him know how you feel. If your feelings are no concern to him, and he wishes to carry on the way he is, then you may need to wake up from your dream.
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