A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:She’s 40 and I’m two years her junior. We’ve been friends since I was born. We even lived together for 3 years (I let her stay with me because she had nowhere to go) and we get along well.However… as we grew up our lives changed. I got married and she’s single. She openly says that it’s making her unhappy, but she keeps chasing unavailable men (and boys). We discussed this but even if she recognizes the pattern, she does nothing about it and continues to claim that she wants a family and yet keeps falling for married men, eternal bachelors, boys in their early twenties… who don’t want to commit.It’s her life her problem, but I feel I’m a lousy friend for not telling her what everybody else sees and stays mum – she started drinking a lot and using drugs more often (mostly pot). She’s not only drinking/smoking at parties; she does it alone and she does it every day. It interferes with her work and social life. When she once showed up for work very late and hung-over, her boss told her to go home and stay there until she cures her “flu” – the anecdote she keeps retelling as “a funny story” and that’s what worries me. She calls it being spontaneous and “alive”.I was on the verge of telling her something when she came for a visit (I live in another town now). First of all she showed up THREE days early (apparently she forgot to tell us when she bought the plane ticket). She waited in front of our house in the rain. This too became one of her funny stories. I heard her retelling it to her sister. When we went out to grab a coffee the next morning and catch up and she ordered a big beer at 11 AM. She’s obsessed by the way she looks and instead of eating healthy and exercising, she barely eats so that she can drink. She kept asking me how she looked (her age, younger, older…) and kept explaining how she knew that her choice of wardrobe didn’t suit her age, but she couldn’t help it. I must say that I was surprised. We talk all the time and email, but I haven’t seen her in three years and in that time she changed a lot… Hitting 40 was really hard for her.I don’t want her to think that I’m judging her. I’d just like her to know that I really care about her and that I’m worried. Is it my place to say something? Or am I going to make things worse?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 Ylady, I'm concerned for you rather than your friend. that is to say; How will you feel if you say or do nothing and your worst fears are realized? For exzmple she dies from an overdose or auto crash due to impaired reaction. I bet you could find it harder to live with that than live with the potential problem of irritating your friend by delving into"her business". It's a tough decision but I'd opt for the one that might save her life. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers and the advice (I'll send her some krill oil)!
To be honest, I don't think I can be of much help to her on daily basis since I live in another town. It seems to me that she'll need a more solid structure where she lives.
I didn't think about her behavior as a possible cry for help. I thought she just felt lonely (desperate) and wanted to have some fun. And yes... I do think that it's completely self-destructive. Sometimes she even engages in dangerous types of behavior: hitchhiking, unprotected sex… In a way she has symptoms of a PTSD.
I'll raise the issue the next time she Skypes me.I think it'll be next week. Thank you again!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 May 2015):
 From my experience, people who abuse alcohol for whatever reason never do anything to quit until something traumatic happens to them. In marriages, that usually means the spouse is leaving. But when you are single, like her, it is hard to imagine that anything you do will significantly impact. Perhaps her loosing her job or getting some traumatic health issue, so until then my prognosis for you achieving an effect on her is very low. Having said that, it does not mean that you shouldn't try. You could approach the issue by providing evidence as to how alcohol degrades the body and makes it age much faster. Try to get her on supplements that may help her desire alcohol less like glutamine and krill oil. Try to get her into gym often. Get her a different hobby. Try local church and expand your spirit.All of these, tho, require you to invest yourself in her. Casual drive-by reminders of how drinking is bad just builds bad will an animosity. The question is do you have time and desire to be so invested?
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (19 May 2015):
She probably will try to rationalise your attitude, but that's when you can say that you don't get the sense that these so called fun things she's doing don't seem to make her truly happy. I think if you simply tell her that you're worried she's not really happy and offer to help her make a plan to fix that, then she shouldn't be upset with you. You never know - maybe her behaviour is a subconscious cry for help and an intervention is exactly what she needs?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answer. It's hard. I think I'll start by saying how much I care for her and cherish her friendship and that I would like her to tell me if she were worried about me.
I'm affraid that she may rationalize my attitude based on the fact that I never drank or tried drugs. In her eyes I may not be the right person, because I can't understand it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (19 May 2015):
A.If you care about her at all you WILL definately perform an intervention and voice your concerns. If she is really a good friend she will listen and either follow your advice OR if she's really not that good of a friend you will see her spiral downward into oblivion. In either case at least you tried. There you go.good luck
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