A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have an issue with something a friend of mine did to her now-ex boyfriend, and I don't know if I should tell him or not. They were together for around 4 years, and during that time she was always complaining about the way he treated her. He put his friends first, didn't make much time for her and was generally selfish from what I gather. A few months back she said she'd had enough of him and had decided to break up with him. However, at pretty much the same time, he started making much more of an effort with her and the relationship. She decided to stick it out to see if the change was permanent, and it seems to have been, but now she said it's too late and her feelings for him never went back to the way they were.The problem is that in order to break up with him, she sent him an anonymous text and basically suggested that she had lied to him about where she was one night. She said she did it because she knew he would go mental and he'd shout and scream at her and that would provoke the argument she needed to finish things with him. I just think this is terrible. I feel like he shouldn't be made to feel the break up is his fault when it was her being sneaky and he has been the one making the effort for the last couple of months. Should I tell him? I know he is gutted about their break up and he blames himself for not trusting her.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Why would you want to get involved and stir things up? Whether or not what she did was wrong, she is your friend, not he. How do you think she would react if she found out you had meddled? This is frankly none of your business.
By the sounds of it, it was a case of too little, too late on his part. I know people who have "changed", and then after about six months something happens and their true colours show through. Four years is a lot of time to give to someone who doesn't appreciate you and she probably should have left sooner.
The way she broke up with him was cowardly and immature, but his reaction was also immature, breaking up a four-year relationship because of an anonymous text message. Maybe they can both learn something from this when they go into their respective new relationships.
As a friend, you should want to see your friend happy, you should have her back. Ask yourself exactly why you would want to tell him. Do you have a thing for her ex-boyfriend maybe? Otherwise, why would you want to tell him this? It would only sour your friendship with her because she would feel like you were taking his side, make him angry with her and put all the blame for the relationship ending on her even though what she did was a small action that broke an already fragile relationship, and he wouldn't necessarily thank you for it.
What's done is done, and it was between them. I just see no reason whatsoever for you to interfere because it's got nothing to do with you. You say your friend's behaviour was sneaky, what about you telling her ex what she did? That would be sneaky and back-stabbing. Let it go, stop worrying about how he feels. He's an adult and can take care of himself. He'll be fine.
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