A
female
age
30-35,
*unnyxx
writes:Right. I don't usually talk about this kind of thing or ask... but this is a dilemma that is really bothering me.I have a friend, who we shall call Katie. Katie has suffered from depression for a good portion of her life, and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder to boot. This girl Katie got a boyfriend last year. It started as they were good friends, who realised they had the same goals. So the two made a pact to wed should they find no one else by so and so a time (the details were a little fuzzy). After a while of this they fell in love and from that decided to do it properly, dating first. Now this is all good because it gave Katie something in life she could treasure. She'd never been this in love with anyone before and she was spending all her time and effort with this guy.Recently though, they've been fighting a lot and feeling unsure about their goals for the near future. Here's the crunch;THREE girls, THREE, have mentioned to me that he had been coming on to them and asking for what is basically a quick shag.Girl number one, mentioned this a while ago to me and she thought Katie ought to know, and asked if i could arrange a meeting between the two. I asked the girl to back up her claims and she provided me with an msn chat log. I thought it was a bit funny though because it wouldn't open with anything it should have, and i ended up having to open it in notepad to break down the coding and get the message. So this made me wonder if it'd been tampered with, so I told girl 1 that I was kind of scared to get involved in this because it wasn't much to do with me. She responded by being a little cold at first but she said it was fine.Later Katie was at my house and asked to use my laptop to check her email and she asked who this girl was who added her on facebook. It was Girl 1. The conversation went like this;Me: Oh that's *name* from school. Surely you know her?Katie: Oh yeah. HER.Me: You not like her?Katie: Actually I think she had a thing for my boyfriend.Even if I'd have told her she wouldn't have believed me because of who it was coming from.I mentioned this to a mutual friend of all of us besides Girl 1 whom he barely knew. I didn't mention her name anyway. But he guessed who it was coming from and told me it was all bulls--t.Girl 2 used to be friends with Katie but they grew apart due to having different interests. She was talking to me one time we met up, and it came up. She said she knows, Katie and her boy don't approve of her lifestyle of partying. But then why was he asking her for sex? "Is that all I'm good for? A quick shag?"Girl 3 didn't tell me herself but one of her friends was with me and girl 2 while the above conversation was going on and so that was thrown in there too.girls 2 and 3 know each other a bit, but as far as a i know girl 1 doesn't speak to either of them. so i very much doubt this is a conspiracy despite having no solid proof.Even if I could prove it was true, i know that if Katie knew it'd tear her world apart. She already suffers issues with depression and distrusts people because of her disorder. I'm scared to say anything to her about this boy being no good because of this... but i know that if it were me, i'd want to know.I don't know if she'd even believe me due to there being no solid proof.But Katie's one of my closest friends and I'm just so mad that someone would play with her feelings like this. it's just not right. I know it's technically got nothing to do with me, but the longer i stand on the sidelines the sicker the thought of this guy makes me feel.He'd asked me out before, before he dated Katie. And denied any memory of it when Katie asked him about it.He just seems full of crap. Both katie and girl 1 have mentioned something that happened to him that just didn't add up. it involved a stabbing and a suicide down in the south of the country, that neither me or girl 1 could find any newspaper articles on. this was also alleged to have happened at a time when he was in my science class at school and so i KNEW he was living over here.I can't do some snooping about the cheating though... i barely know this guy. Not to mention I'm moving for college in a week or so...I want to know what you think is wiser.. keeping the peace or doing what you think is right when you can't prove it is so.thank you for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I fully agree with Youwish, confront the boy. Make him come clean, she's going to get more hurt if she finds out you knew and never told her. I would be if I found something like that out, and I would that you, the friend, has my best interests in mind and are looking out for me. Don't keep it from her.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Yeah I agree with ASk Older Sister, don't tell her, get used to the fact that she is going to choose badly a lot, may date men who are just like her and she is going to have a lot of DRAMA in her life and relationships, the less you say, the better off she will be and you, too.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Hmm...you're really stuck in this one. You could tell her and possibily mess up your friendship, or you could NOT tell her, she'll find out you knew, and it would mess up the friendship...
There's a third option actually you might not have thought of. If you are sure there's proof (and with 3 people and an IM message saying he was propositioning her, I think that's a pretty good bet!), then you could confront HIM, tell him point blank that you don't appreciate him screwing around on your friend, Tell him you have prood, and he had better come clean or you'll do it for him.
This takes the pressure off you so that your friend doesn't "shoot the messenger" so to speak, and it saves her a LOT of pain in the long run. No denying it won't hurt her, but it will hurt her more if you do nothing.
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