A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, feeling like a piece of crap and could use some advice. I've been with my fiance for 10yrs and we are planning our marriage here soon, and actually just had our engagement party with our friends last week. I love her dearly, we are made for each-other and I strive to make her happy all the time. So here's why I feel like crap: at a music festival several weeks prior back I made-out with a girl (heavy kissing and groping). It was near sunrise and alcohol and other illicit substances were involved...not an excuse but truth be told I was just seeing colors swirl and what happened had nothing to do with a desire being fulfilled, it just simply happened in the moment and I wish I could take it back for all the world. To make things worse, we were caught (I should say luckily interrupted) by a mutual friend. She was very disappointed with us both and she ended up telling the girls husband as this was something she had done before. The girl admittedly said she was after me and feels bad for putting me in that situation. We are part of a large and tight-nit group of friends and I'm concerned I'll see her husband out and about and he will make a scene. Not to mention who else might know at this point. What should I do!? I feel absolutely like a piece of #$@!. I don't want to hurt my fiance, if I tell her it will cause her much pain for a meaningless moment. At the same time though I'm not doing good at all, feel lonely, scared, and honestly have had some dark thoughts which is very unlike myself, and feel I should say something. There truly was nothing to it emotionally, it was a pure physical f'up and was the first and last time anything like this has happened. Please help, not doing good and need to relieve the pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Candid Cally…you are absolutely correct and I appreciate your point of view and advice. We have a large group of friends, a family like community, and this girl just happens to be someone I've met at the bar and at music festivals that is part of this same community, my fiance just never has been around when we've spoke. I have no connection with her other then the fact that we do share a lot of mutual friends. And trust me, I want nothing to do with this girl, she is trouble...but when you live in a smaller town and have the same friends, it's just one of those people I know I will see out and about. To clarify, she didn't jump in my tent, this happened right outside of a major area where a bunch of us were partying...there was no attempt to hide or conceal what we were doing, no sneaking off, just right there in plain sight waiting to be seen. In regards to the substances you are also right on, but in all honesty nothing clicked until I saw the flashlight of my friend looking at us, then it was 'oh crap, what just happened and how did it happen'. If it would have clicked before and I had ill-intentions, I would have gone somewhere else with her instead of right there 5ft away from a bunch of our friends...but thats the honest truth, nothing was clicking and there was no intent on my behalf. This isn't justification on my part by any mean, it's just how it went down. Thanks again though Candid Cally, and all others, I know what I need to do I just need to build up the gut to do so.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 October 2012):
I don't understand how this woman could be a part of a large group of mutual friends and your fiance doesn't know her. I don't understand why you wouldn't put some effort into making sure you don't hang out with her again. This woman has a husband, she should have known you had a long term girlfriend and she jumped into your tent knowing you were drunk and tripping balls because she selfishly wanted to have you. She doesn't care about her husband. She doesn't care about you, your happiness, or your girlfriend. She doesn't care about anything more than satisfying her own needs.
This woman is not your 'friend' despite whatever mutual interests you may share. She is bad news and if you know what is good for you and for your relationship, you will try your best to avoid her in the future.
Regardless of your state of mind, you must have realized she wasn't your girlfriend. Even if you couldn't see in the dark, you damn well knew she didn't smell, kiss, sound, or feel like your girlfiend. I've taken things that made 'the colors swirl' and watched fractal paisley trees grow while making my head spin for hours and I can't see how you could have just let her continue. You must have remembered that you had a girlfriend and still you didn't stop and you wouldn't have stopped if you hadn't been caught...and this is the big problem.
It was more than physical though. When you take hallucinogens or Entactogens the physical connection you make with another person while intimate expands into something more. It becomes deeper. It becomes spiritual. If you and your fiance have been intimate while both under the influence of these substances, I seriously doubt she will believe that your heavy petting session with a married woman was only meaningless and physical.
I think your best bet is to explain that you made a huge mistake and it has been weighing heavily on your mind. You should tell her whatever you took, that you were barely aware of what was going on around you, that you were drunk, and this woman came into the tent and started making out with you. Maybe you were so messed up that you thought it was one of those weird vivid dreams that impulsively materialize out of the mind's mist in a swirl of colors if you drift off while still hallucinating...
Whatever you do, Do not use the word 'meaningless' because if making out with another girl is meaningless, than what did that make your relationship with your fiance at that moment you were sucking face and groping another woman? It made your ten year relationship less than meaningless. Additionally, 'physical' implies that your girlfriend isn't enough for you physically.
So, tell the truth. Explain how far gone you were, that thankfully someone interrupted her causing you to realize that whatever was happening at the time was really happening. Tell your fiance you are devestated, it is eating you alive, and if you are smart, you will tell her that you hate the other woman for taking advantage of you while you were not in full control of your mind and body. Tell her you hate the b*tch, that she has a husband, and you hope you never see her again.
If you are smart, you will pit yourself in your fiance's shoes before you talk to her. Imagine vividly that some man took advantage of her while she wasn't in the right state of mind. Imagine how hurt you would feel. Would you be ok with her being friends with the man who came into her tent fully hoping to be intimate with your fiance? Would you really truely be ok with her spending any time around him in the future?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2012):
 So what did you learn from this? That you did stuff you KNOW you shouldn't while under the influence.. so maybe it's time to give up the drugs and moderate the drinking?
Part of life up is making mistakes. Part of growing ip is LEARNING from the mistakes you made.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 She may never look at you the same way. But think about it like this, will you be able to look at her the same way while you harbor this secret? Will you feel the same in your relationship that every time you see your friends you'll wonder if it will come out?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 The fact that it was meaningless could be more hurtful for her to hear than you think. I mean how would you feel if she told you she threw away the purity of yoru relationship, and threw away honesty, and threw away loyalty to you.. over something that meant absolutely nothing to her?
It would hurt a lot more, because it makes everything you and her have so meaningless. So I advice you to NOT repeat how meaningless it was to you. It will certainly not be meaningless to her, nor has it been meaningless to you. You've been tormented ever since. If it was absolutely meaningless then you wouldn't think twice about this, neither would she.
This matters a lot! So do not tell her it was meaningless.
Life happens. Maybe she wont look at you the same way again, but life happens. Things happen. Relationships NEED to evolve, grow, change. Because you never stand still in time. Relationships need to change in order to survive. This is a big bump in the road, but life is full of bumps. Do not feel so down by the thought that she wont look at you the same, instead look forward to a new chapter in your life. I hope you and her can work it out. Your relationship will change. But it is what is needed, because you did what you did. You could end up doing other things to hurt her, like she could end up doing things that hurt you. All these things will ultimately change your relationship, but this is the way things need to be. This is life. Go with the flow of it rather than try to fight it. Embrace the change, rather than fight it. Your life will be so much easier, and so much happier, if you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Candid Cally, she is aware. We do experiment with things that most people wouldn't be able to identify with or classify as outside the realm of a 'hard drug'. Again no excuses, but I also was not myself at the moment.
And not being able to hang around this girl is going to be difficult. We have many mutual friends and similar tastes in music and culture, avoidance is a near unavoidable. My fiance doesn't know this girl though, and I'm afraid it will be a s#!t storm once she finds out.
Sigh continued....
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (1 October 2012):
Is your fiance aware of your drug use? If she is and she has used these substances herself she might be more willing to forgive you depending on your level of inebriation, seeing as this woman came on to you AND she has done it before to other people.
Don't be surprised if this woman isn't allowed to hang around you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 October 2012):
"Telling her isn't what is hurtful, it is the cheating that is hurtful. Separate those two. If you didn't want to hurt her you shouldn't have gotten wasted so much that you couldn't control your actions. Telling her the truth, being honest, isn't what is hurtful. That wont hurt her. It is the cheating that will hurt."
Yes, this exactly.
Your friends know this happened, it will come out. Trust me, this will come out. It will likely come out once you've relaxed, everything seems fine, and she's trapped in a marriage. This isn't something you can cover up. Someone will bring it up and she will find out. You know what you have to do. She is more likely to forgive you if you tell her than if you lie and she finds out from someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys...you all are absolutely right. I have no excuses for my actions, it just sucks and I've hated myself every minute of the day since it happened. She is going to be so hurt, and the repercussions will be great, but nonetheless I do know what the right thing to do is. It was really hard at our engagement party, I felt like I was living a lie though my love for her is true. She has been cheated on before in previous relationships and I know how much it hurt her then. And while I don't think she would leave me, she might never look at me the same which sucks because this isn't representative of 'me' in any way. Drugs and alcohol are a bad excuse, but it sincerely was meaningless. And in all honesty I don't think I would want to know if she had done the same, blindness is often better then the truth...atleast when the truth will hurt so much.Sigh...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys...you all are absolutely right. I have no excuses for my actions, it just sucks and I've hated myself every minute of the day since it happened. She is going to be so hurt, and the repercussions will be great, but nonetheless I do know what the right thing to do is. It was really hard at our engagement party, I felt like I was living a lie though my love for her is true.
She has been cheated on before in previous relationships and I know how much it hurt her then. And while I don't think she would leave me, she might never look at me the same which sucks because this isn't representative of 'me' in any way. Drugs and alcohol are a bad excuse, but it sincerely was meaningless. And in all honesty I don't think I would want to know if she had done the same, blindness is often better then the truth...atleast when the truth will hurt so much.
Sigh...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2012):
I think you know what you need to do. And that is own your actions. Things like this doesn't remain hidden and I think you can be pretty sure that if you DO NOT tell her, marry her and THEN she finds out.. you marriage is over before it began.
Chances are that she can/will still break up with you. But there is also a chance that if you confess and express remorse and willingness to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust you broke (because you shattered her trust in you with that kiss/grope) she might be able to stay with you and work on it. Maybe even consider some pre-marital counseling.
And I think Ciar is right, TRY and put yourself in HER position - how would YOU feel if SHE did this?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 October 2012):
"I don't want to hurt my fiance, if I tell her it will cause her much pain for a meaningless moment."
Telling her isn't what is hurtful, it is the cheating that is hurtful. Separate those two. If you didn't want to hurt her you shouldn't have gotten wasted so much that you couldn't control your actions. Telling her the truth, being honest, isn't what is hurtful. That wont hurt her. It is the cheating that will hurt.
So in this case, yes, you should tell her. In fact you NEED to tell her. You're about to marry her, and the entire marriage will be built on a lie unless you confess and tell the truth. The longer you keep it hidden, the harder it will be to get forgiveness.
By the sound of it it is your consciousness that is eating you up inside. You didn't want to hurt her, you didn't want to cheat, yet you did, and you feel horrible about it. But not telling her wont do you, or her, any good. You'll feel worse, and the lie will become bigger and bigger as time goes by. Because every day that you keep it a secret from her is another day that you lied to her. You're constantly adding up lies, as each day go by. You'll feel worse and worse, and the secret will become bigger and bigger.
Marrying her and starting married life like this? No, it's not a good idea.
Tell her what happened.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Ask yourself what you would do were the situation reversed and your girlfriend had a heavy kissing and groping session with another man. I mean this not as a condemnation but as a sincere question to ask yourself. That might give you some idea of how to proceed.
Then ask yourself what steps you would want your girlfriend to take to prevent this from happening again. And remember that you would want her to do this voluntarily instead of waiting to be instructed. Give her the opportunity to offer suggestions, but don't place the burden entirely upon her to decide what you ought to do.
My advice is to come clean. She is bound to find out about it on her own so there is nothing to gain by concealing it.
If you do plan to tell her, then I would definitely NOT point out that it meant nothing. The myth that sexual indiscretions bother women much less than emotional ones is just that. Myth.
Your girlfriend will be hurt and angry and she may want to break up with you. You already know this. Many couples, however, do stay together and manage to overcome this sort of thing. I am not excusing what you did, or trying to minimize it, but I think the punishment should fit the crime. This is far from the worst thing anyone could have done. You haven't killed anyone, raped a child, set fire to someone's home or stolen anyone's life savings. It was a minor sexual indiscretion.
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