A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there I am really heartbroken by my mothers comments. I have been with a lovely guy now for the last 5 months he is four years younger than me. My mother does not approve of this but I am 31 it's not like we are teenagers. She has not even attempted to get to know him and instead has proceeded to go onto his Facebook page where he is at a festival in a group photo with his top off and she has been also looking at his comments too! And said some of the them are not appropriate! Well jokes with friends often include things not suitable for parents to see and I cannot believe she has chosen to judge him based on this and says my dad agrees!! He only agrees to make his life easy as she is a bully and does not let him have his say!! I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend about this!! Because i do feel like I can tell him anything!! i Please help!! It seems she dislikes anyone I go out with and I am beside myself at her hurtful comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): My brother is dating a girl who has a face book page. It turned out that he keeps getting request to be friends with other men who knew or were friends with her before his relationship. My mom saw this and freaked. She demanded that Phil stop seeing her and close his facebook page. When she came over to meet the family a couple weeks ago before dinner my mom got in the car and never came home until later that night once she left. My dad had to end up being the host for the evening. When she finally came home she got into a big argument with my dad and he ended up sleeping on the sofa for the night. facebook posts are dangerous so address them asap.
A
female
reader, Dayzee  +, writes (16 March 2013):
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, or your mother?
And is your mother dating him or you.
Let those questions help you decide.
Your'e not a child whose mum gets to interfere with their choice of friends.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Abella gives very good advice here. I offer some as well as a possible alternative. Which way you go is really whatever is a best fit for your situation, so you may well combine approaches and tailor your own.
Seems like no matter what age, a scolding from a parent is like nails on a chalkboard. If your mom had been not your mom, but merely an acquaintance, it would be different.
So learn "The Mask". You are of the age where your mom's opinions are now one of many voices. So when she says this stuff, put on "the mask", listen quietly, thank her for the advice, and then change the subject. Emotionally remove the button your mom pushes to get under your skin.
As for telling your boyfriend, I wouldn't. You've only been dating for 5 months, and to be honest, the real story isn't your mom and him, but it's your mom and you.
Your mom is a bully because she can press buttons. Let her words just go straight through you. Find a zen place, where her words and opinions can no longer sting you. You can wear an outward mask of "thanks for your advice", and then get the subject over with.
I know what you're thinking -- you think trying that out will put your mom into overdrive, right? That's when the words "I'm not talking about it" comes out. Then if she pushes, walk away or hang up. She's been training you on how to react for 31 years. Time to train her now.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Your mother's opinion you can listen to respectfully, but not react.
She is not talking to her little girl. She is talking to her daughter who is a grown woman who can choose her own boyfriends.
At 31 you make your own mind up.
At 31 you are entitled to make your own mistakes and learn from those mistakes.
But your Mother needs to understand that what she thinks about your boyfriends is none of her business. That is your decision, not hers, about who is right for you.
Your mother is interfering way too much.
Nicely remind your mother that you are 31 and that you will decide who is right for you.
Your Mother has far too much time on her hands and her approach is overbearing.
Your Mother needs to respect your judgement.
Though don't start telling him yet just how bad your Mother is or he may run a mile once he knows. An unsatisfactory future mother in law is a real passion killer.
Instead try to encourage your mother to develop more structure in her life and to seek out more Age-Appropriate activities and friends and get involved in life and learn to enjoy life. Your Mother is wasting her time and your time by trying to live vicariously through you.
Perhaps your Mother could join this group. Although it is aimed at single women, perhaps it would give her an outlet for all her energy? https://www.hensdancing.com/
encourage your mother to volunteer in the local Charity Shop or do some good in the community.
Your poor Dad and you having to suffer her behaviour
Your guy will suss out soon enough that your Mother is overbearing and rude.
But things will go better for your and your boyfriend if you make it clear to your Mother that she has no right to be interfering in your life and you are not going to put up with it any more.
It's like training your new puppy. Call her out with an assertive remark as soon as she falters and starts bullying. Be prepared to stand up and walk out the room, with the remark, "I do not need to be spoken to like that and I am not going to put up with it any longer" and walk out the room without another word nor look nor action.
If she is being nice, give her immediate praise.
But if she reverts to type then stop the interaction right there and then and wallk away from her, no matter where you are.
She will not like it.
She will try to act up more.
But eventually she will recognize that she no longer has the power to get away with bullying you.
Maybe your example will even give your father some courage to stand up to her too.
You could maybe ask your boyfriend to block her on FB as you should too on your FB. Just tell him that she's overstepped the mark and you need a little privacy from your Mother.
It would not matter if your brought Prince Harry home for comment, she would find something to criticize. It is not the boyfriend that is the issue. It is her controlling judgemental overbearing approach that is the real issue.
Her life is too fixated on you. Perhaps she hopes you will stick close to her so that she can have a 24/7 nursemaid on tap once she becomes too old to care for herself.
It's time to cut the apron strings that your Mother is attempting to tighten. Start living your life as you mean to go on. Laugh off her remarks, with the comment, "Oh Mom, time you started living your own life. Not trying to micro-manage my life for me."
After all you are 31 years old.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Tell him about it, and then ask him to block her.
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