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female
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anonymous
writes:Should I tell my bf, that my ex bf raped me during my relationship with my ex? I dont know if I should tell him or not. I am afraid of how he will react. At the same time, I also believe that because we are partners we should tell each other everything....but this is a pretty big thing and its not your normal situation. Me and my current bf have not had sex yet. This is for 2 reasons. Firstly, because I am scared because of what happened with my ex bf and I find it hard to trust anyone and to be honest, I now see sex as something bad, not something that is enjoyable. But even if I wasnt raped I would still want to wait for sex because I beleive in waiting until you have been in a long term serious committed relationship. The last reason is what I have told my bf and he said he will be patient and wait for me. But sometimes I dont know how long it will be because I have so much fear still.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): if ur ex raped u call 999! :_(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I have been in this situation, it is best to wait till you have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner before you tell him about your sexual past. you don't want something awful in your past relationship to play any sort of role in your relationships in the future. Telling him now, before you are both intimate, may make him blame your past for your own reasons for waiting. Put it in the past, DO NOT let it be a factor in your relationship. If you honestly feel as though your past is controlling the progression of your relationship it is not fair for either of you to be involved when you still need gain confidence in yourself again. Once you become secure in yourself and your judgments, you will be able to have a healthy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): i told my bf a few weeks ago about how my ex forced me into sexual acts. He was quiet but he understood..he took my mind of it; now I really know he loves me.
When you tell him, youll know more about how deep your connection is.
and my bf and I have only been together for a couple months but we have known each other for 2 years
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): i believe you should do what is right. But to "generalist" - the worst thing a woman can do is hold it in. Tell someone, love. Anyone, but you need to let it out!
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male
reader, generalist  +, writes (11 November 2009):
i would like to suggest you right from bottom of my heart that you dont tell about this rape part....infact nobody knows this except you...and you both are doing good,very important that you tell each other everything...but on the other side you also have to avoid all those thing which would bring in bitter ness in the relation ship.i agree your point that u have to honest with him but not neccessary that you have tell him everything which wont add any value to your relation ship..u know what...u take your previous experience as a rape but for a person who did it with you ,its just a sex...so dear believe me u r good girl and you have to tell your BF everything but this is not the one which will help either..posiibility is that he feels bad about it and it may create little tensions in your relationship...so chill concentrate on your relationship and this perticular factor is a history....i mean from now on,it never happened in your life...cheers
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Mister 'Garm', if a woman drinks too much and can't say yes to sex, then it is rape! A man should never have sex with a woman who drank too much. If he does have sex with her when she is unable to give consent, then he has raped her. She doesn't 'choose' to call it rape, the man made the choice to make it rape...argh.As for the poster of the question, please get some couseling. You will need help to get back to having good feelings about having sex. I am sorry this happened to you.
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female
reader, jlmlisten  +, writes (11 November 2009):
your not alone!! i was in the same situation 3 years ago my b/f of 2 years raped me. i met my current boyfriend about 3 weeks before this happened. after i was raped i became depressed staying awake all night long for days at a time then i contracted mono. i was in and out of the hospital for 3 months i was stuck confined to my home thinking about the rape over and over. i began cutting myself. but my current boyfriend helped pull me out of my depression of course mostly becoming one with what happened and working with it either through a counselor and/or just being honest with yourself. anyway he brought me chicken noodle soup, he would tell me i was beautiful after i had just gotten out of the bathroom puking up blood or i had a black and blue chest and neck from coughing so hard(i know gross but there is a point i promise) after i got over the mono and was able to understand that it wasn't my fault i got raped and ITS NOT YOURS EITHER. i began dating my current boy friend when i was comfortable. i did not tell him about what had happened until we had gotten to an amazing emotional connection. because until you feel comfortable with him you do not need to tell him. btw thats BS what the women below me said. you are not showing a false image of yourself because the rape does not define who you are as a person it is just something that happened and i hope you see it that way too. so what i am trying to say is its not your fault and sex is something that is both emotional and physical and once you have reached that point of both emotional comfort and you start talking or taking things more physical thats when you should tell him. because he does have a right to know so he can help you along the way and for no other reason then that. and if he freaks out at you or can't handle it. you need to dump his ass because because you deserve more than that. when i told my boyfriend it was 3 months into the relationship and he was the first one i told. he freaked out a little because he wanted to kill my ex who did it but he held me and let me decide when i was ready know pressure. and btw if you do decide to have sex make sure you are comfortable enough that if you need him to stop you can and not feel uncomfortable. if he lives you you will be fin.good luck!!btw i began teaching suicide prevention, substance abuse prevention, mentors in violence prevention, mens violence against, women prevention, and sexual assault prevention. i tell people about what i went through and teach people to handle situations like this one.
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Yes, I think he has a right to honesty, by not telling him you are unintentionally allowing him to draw false conclusions about why you are waiting. You are creating a false image of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you that you need to do that.
Also, you were traumatized by the rape, your bf has every right to know and understand that you need special care because of this. And, as hurtful as it would be he also has the right to decide whether he can handle being the one to help you deal with this.
You need a rape counselor. This doesn't just go away on its own. Even if you manage at some point to suppress your feelings/aversion to sex... undealt with it almost ALWAYS comes back at some point demanding to be dealt with but by then the damage is much worse.
What is kept in the dark becomes a monster... but what is brought into the light can be healed.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (11 November 2009):
This depends on whether or not its forcible rape, or if you just drank too much and want to call it "rape." You should REALLY tell him either way, but the approach would be much different depending...
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