A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it a bad idea to tell my boyfriend about some leftover problems I have from my ex? My boyfriend knows my ex was jealous but not that he was really controlling, judging and abusive and put me down all the time. I've recently realised that although it was a couple of years ago now, I'm still not completely over some things, like in my work I realised I don't want to put myself out there - I basically want to merge into the background and not be noticed or judged by anyone... and that's not the way I want to be. Anyway, I'm not sure what I can do to fix that? I suppose realising it is the first step. I feel like talking to my boyfriend about it would help me too, but I'm not sure what he'd think of it - it's some pretty major baggage! We've only been together for around 10 months too. Is it a bad idea to tell him? I'd probably cry while I was telling him, it could get messy. But I think he can tell something's up with me lately. I don't know - what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I'm not sure how you feel unburdening your past to your boyfriend will help you move your life on. Of course you need to tell him about the problems in your past relationship, as it is part of you life story. But do you want to drag too many emotional issues into your new relationship and your boyfriend perhaps feel powerless to help you. I would think carefully here. You do need to talk to someone and get some help dealing with the fall-out from your past but maybe a girlfriend, family member would be a better choice.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (15 December 2010):
I think its a great idea. You are talking about wanting to be truly open and revealing about who you are, to your boyfriend. That is the way you should be in your life, and especially in your most important relationships. Talking about these issues in your important relationships is part of the way you get closer in your relationships, and also part of the way you can begin to get over the issues affecting you. Its good to be able to cry with your partner if you need to. If he can't handle all of this, you are with the wrong guy. You might need to teach each other how to listen to one another, and show him how to be there for you, but you can learn all of that in time.
Take the leap of faith that will hopefully take you and your relationship to the next level.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): ~HONESTY IS BEST~
I know it would be healthy for the both of you, if you were candidly honest with this situation. First, whether your inner turmoil is related or unrelated to "relationship," the emotional burden that it's presenting you with will invariably find it's way into your relationship with your boyfriend...and...providing it's a burdensome issue for you it's entrance into the relationship will be purely of negative energy resulting in a slow and gradual deterioration of your and his relationship.
Your boyfriend, being in the dark, would eventually notice a restraint in your behavior ((as actions do speak louder than words))...and if you deny such when he questions you on it, he will naturally "assume" your discontent is a consequence of your pulling away from the relationship, hence prompting him to develop trust, honesty and loyalty in securities with you. Reactive behaviors based on assumption have the ability to cut a lovely mountain into a con caved black hole, not to mention the disastrous emotional upheaval which invariably tags along.
There is only a win-win situation with honesty. Tell your boyfriend. You need to exhale so you can move forward. If you truly love him and believe you are at a point where you would not return to your ex but know that you want to continue moving forward with your boyfriend, than your boyfriend would be thankful that you regard him in such a protective, devoted, understanding, unconditional light. However, if the opposite is true, and you still have a desire to return to your ex, than inform your boyfriend of this as well and inform him that you cannot continue in a relationship with him as it would be unfair for him as you'd be placing in the ill position of rebound...and...take remain single...spend time alone to self-reflect and grow beyond your burden...or rekindle with your ex, if that is a possibility and repaired.
Whatever your choice, it is admirable that you are selfless to consciously want nothing short of respect for your boyfriend.
God Bless~
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (15 December 2010):
10 months is not a short amount of time. You'd be the only person that knows how close and intimate you and your bf are. If you love each other and he is a supportive boyfriend, he would most likely want to know and help you through it. Plus, if you're keeping it to yourself, and it's affecting you and your relationship, it could damage your relationship and he would have no idea why. It's better to have open communication lines.
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