A
female
age
36-40,
*aylie1986
writes:ok..so I know you're going to judge me and I cannot explain how complicated this whole situation is...but the jist of it is I am a mistress with a married man. This has been going on for 5 months...his wife found out about us about almost 3 months ago...and he moved out. He is not living with her and I know this for a fact. She does not know that we still talk and see each other...in fact she thinks they are working on their marriage...not sure how she thinks they are doing that without living in the same house but thats besides the point. He has gone so far as to buying his own cell phone plan and only I know the number so that we can keep talking as much as we want because she was checking their phone bill for my number and stuff. We talk every night on the phone for at least an hour and a half...text all day long...see each other quit frequently...he lives 3 hours away so its not that often but within the past 3 weeks weve seen each other at least 6 times. He tells me he loves me wants to be with me...he's going to leave her...I gave him until sunday to do it else I'm done and were over. Tonight we were talking and he told me he knows we need to be together and all this bull **** but that he can't bring himself to end it with her by sunday...he doesn't know why but he just can't...well I mean I'm not stupid the reason he cant is because he's a cheating *** hole and wants his cake and eat it too. Anyways..I told him I was done..he wont stop calling me, texting me, e-mailing me, begging me to talk to him. I think she deserves to know...and if i were in her situation I would want to know. And actually when she found out the first time she called me and we talked on the phone for over and hour and a half...I know it sounds messed up and it is...but what would you do? SHould I tell her or not? I think she deserves to know the truth..and I know I would want to know..but maybe I am crazy..well i already know i'm crazy for doing any of this in the first place..
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Your 'relationship' is with this guy - NOT his wife. You should not concern yourself with her or what he is 'doing to her'. Let's face it - you haven't really thought much about her feelings previously have you?
You want to tell his wife for your OWN purposes. Call a spade a spade. You think that if she finds out a second time that he is lying to her that she will dump him for good - freeing him up for you. You are chosing to ignore the niggling voice in your head telling you that it's strange he is continuing to 'lie' to the wife - he no longer needs to - or does he? Who knows what he is telling her?
You suspect he actually DOES want to stay with his wife - and you want to make sure he can't. You want to call her up and hurt her all over again to somehow prove to yourself that YOU are the woman he loves right? The thing is - you have no control over what happens between them in reality - only she does.
So - if this sitution is no longer working for you then you need to put out the ultimatum. Me or her? If you continue to let him see you, sweet talk you, ?sleep with you while "working on his marriage" then you are giving him absloutely no reason to change anything....YOU let him have his cake and eat it too!! Don;t answer is calls, texts, pleas...simple as that. Don;t use the 'secret' phone number...make it clear that the way it was is no longer ok for you.
Deal with the guy - don't get in the poor wife's face - the last person she wants 'help' from is YOU believe me! And - be realistic about your own motivations - you've 'convinced' yourself things were all 'fine' for so long you don't know when what you do is not!
Have you ever thought that this relationship that has been formed in deceit, secrecy, guilt and pain to others may not be as "wonderful" as you think?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I'm assuming you fell off the cloud and realized this guy is trash and you don't want him in your life anymore. Of course, after you broke up a marriage and felt like the 'precious princess' you think you are, because you are surely 'younger and happier' than his wife. If that's true I think it's a good thing to tell her what he is doing because that way you both can get rid of a cruel narcississtic dummy who won't do any of you any good. This kind of man doesn't love anybody. It's sad because you have problems also because you have such a low self esteem you had to take someone else's man to feel that you are valued and desirable. Go to your local Library and look for self help books to solve whatever early childhood/family issue you are still dealing with but leave married men alone please.
-The Caribbean Psychologist
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