A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy who has a 13-year-old daughter for the past 18 months, he told me he was separated, thought nothing of it; his daughter likes me.Then I later find out a week ago he's still legally married to his wife; his wife's a nurse and she was being interviewed on TV saying she never gets to see her husband and has to sleep in an RV due to the hours she works!He says "I'm only married to my wife because I'm with her for our daughter... but she really wants to quit nursing and become a model but she's refusing to do things like take the garbage out and claims I'm obese, when I'm not!"Apparently his daughter was in on this too and seemed to have no issue with this. (I found out via social media... don't know how I found this but it was worrying).I told him it's over there and then. Nothing to block him on, except may be text messages; he claimed to have no social media but I've found out he had a website with pictures of him posing in swimshorts and leather thongs (wtf??)I feel like exposing the affair to his wife.I feel like I was fleeced by this guy; I met him in December 2018 at a local event, we started dating in March 2019 and it seemed good (nothing seemed to make me suspicious).I thought I WAS OK at relationships but now am questioning the whole thing?Time to hit the reset button?I was in a relationship for 13 years before I met him; my ex-boyfriend moved to Australia because his employer convineced him it was worth it (and my job at the time didn't have that option; wasn't sure if I could qualify even for a visa, as it were, I was working in a restaurant).I know you're thinking... normal story of affair with married man. But I was foolish not to think it would be this at the time.I'm angry with myself and want to know how to avoid this again; in my lifetime, I've only had six relationships, never slept around or done casual dating, and including this one have all been long-term.
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (15 March 2021):
 I don't think you should tell the wife, what good will do to turn her life upside down.
I know its hard, its never easy to go through something like this. I feel all you can do is walk away with your head up high, and think things could have been a whole lot worse, and you maybe dodged a bullet here.
For all subsequent relationships maybe play it cool and keeps things simple until your 100% sure about them, and their situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2021): First off do not blame yourself....this is all on him.And people are telling you do not tell the wife.Tell her.Tell her now.She needs to know.She is working so hard long hours to help sick people.I bet he enjoys spending her paycheck because nurses make bank.I bet the wife does not want her daughter to learn it is ok for your man to cheat on you.Dad more than not told daughter not to tell mom so you got parental alienation going on here too.Tell the wife she is risking her life daily to provide for this small excuse for a man.Tell her so her daughter can learn what dad is doing is so wrong so it does not happen to her in the future.He is really not a good person.Tell her now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2021): I used to be in the tell the wife camp. I was a mistress too, so I understand your need for vengeance. But in the end, it solves nothing except to cause more hurt, not only to innocent people, but to yourself. It doesn't feel good to cause pain to other people. They are also victims. No matter what you say or do, he will happily continue on in life being a cheater. Oftentimes the wives already know what kind of a man they are married to, and you would be astounded to know that so many women do take their husbands back after they cheat. But sadly for the wives, the man interprets her forgiveness and willingness to fix the marriage as a green light to cheat again down the road. Who wants this kind of a man as a life partner?
The reality is that he is married and you had a relationship with him. Yes, he misled you. Without a doubt. My MM told me he and his wife stopped having sex 11 years ago but he still stayed married to her. They all have game or some way to hook you. Saying he is separated may be true but he was still misleading you because he is still married. They ALL have an excuse as to WHY they are still married OP. At the end of the day, they don't want to lose it all. So, they choose to have it all by keeping a mistress or side flings.
Do not beat yourself up sweetheart. I empathize with you. He really did play a number on you. I understand you fell under his spell. It happens. You wanted to believe the best in him. You needed him in your life for some reason. He was meeting needs for you. Was he a rebound? How long before you met the MM did your ex boyfriend move to Australia? You maybe were trying to avoid the pain of a break up, feeling vulnerable and you fell prey to this man in your vulnerable state? I know I fell for my MM right after a long term marriage of 18 years ended. It is like he was at the right place, at the right time. I was his client. It was a whirlwind. He took all the pain away. I was now flying and feeling good about myself. I was no longer lonely, miserable and feeling worthless. I know why I got involved in my affair. It took a lot of self reflection.
I am sorry this happened to you. But the pics of the leather thong are weird!! Definitely makes you wonder what is up with that or if you ever really knew him?? Or what other shit he has been up to in his past? Sounds like you dodged a bullet with this one!!!
It sounds like you found out he is still with his wife but have not told him you know yet? Well, it is time to walk away now. I don't think you should even give him an explanation because he is only going to sweet talk you and lie and try to lure you back in. So, just ghost him and block his number as well as any access you have to him. You need to go cold turkey. It will be hard at first but it will eventually get easier. I have been there. These guys are nothing but bad news. They will tell you lie after lie to keep you hooked. In the end, if you stay, you are the one allowing him to hurt you. They will rarely leave their wives. You will fall more in love with them by the day, never being able to have them to yourself, knowing you have to let go for your own sanity. You are only 18 months in. Some women stay for years and years. Save yourself now while you have a fighting chance to come back whole.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 March 2021):
 I can understand this has knocked your self esteem and your faith in your own judgement. However, that is no reason to involve this man's wife and to hurt her. She is not the one who has caused your upset. Telling her will not make you feel better in the long run. Act with dignity and walk away. I promise you, THAT will feel a lot better in the long run.
People tend to judge others by their own standards, hence if you are honest you tend to think others are too. People are sent to us as lessons in life. Take the lesson away from this relationship that you need to be more thorough in vetting potential partners and not assume they are telling you everything. No matter what our age may be or how careful or cynical we are, we can all still be fooled occasionally. That's part of life. Shrug it off and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2021): "...he told me he was separated, thought nothing of it; his daughter likes me..."
You know what "separated" means. Did you bother to ask if he was "legally and officially" separated? If not, who's fault is that?
Apparently dating someone "separated" was fine with you, until it wasn't.
Separated usually means a divorce is eminent, and possibly in progress. It means a married-couple are physically and emotionally distanced from their marriage. It is not synonymous with "divorced." Even a 13 year-old girl knows that! You had a choice based on that fact. Now you're seeking vengeance based on semantics?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2021): Why can't you just end the affair and move on? You're angry with yourself; so that's whom you should deal with.
You're pushing 40, and old enough to know that sometimes you get fooled; and sometimes people do dishonest things. You've found-out he's still married. You even claim his 13 year-old daughter is complicit in this scheme. She's still only a kid, loyal to her father. Whatever you'll do will affect her too!
You can cut all ties and go your own way. Leave his wife alone. She's got enough to contend with, without some scorned-female coming out of nowhere retaliating against her husband and daughter.
Guess whom she'll hate more than either of them?
YOU!!!
You have no history with her, you're an outsider, and your only purpose is vengeance. You'll hurt his wife, and upset his daughter; but it will change absolutely nothing!!! You were still fooled!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 March 2021):
 Should you tell the wife?
They COULD be separated. Or maybe he is taking HER living elsewhere (for work) like that. The fact that the teenage daughter seems OK with this makes me think that they ARE/WERE separated. It seems rather scummy that he is seeing someone behind her back while she is working and having to isolate in an RV!
The wife saying stuff in an interview about her husband and her not seeing each other might be the truth and it might be that SHE wanted to sound like a good and hardworking wife.
You did what you felt was the right thing, you ended it. What I don't get is why you started dating him in the first place. If he said they were SEPARATED that doesn't mean DIVORCED.
Also, if she is living in an RV, and he in the house with their teen, how can she have time to take care of the house SHE isn't living in? He can't take out the trash? the teen can't take out the trash?
SHE might NOT want to get a divorce (because of financial reason and their daughter) And he is OK with that, however, he also wants someone to be with. So he had an affair with you.
As for HOW to avoid this in the future. It's HARD. I don't think you need to beat yourself up here. If he introduced you to his teenager I would have too assumed (like you did) that he wasn't with his wife anymore).
I would, however, NOT date someone who is simply separated. Because that means they have unfinished business with their ex.
You could do a quick background check and see if they are married or not. Also, do a little snooping online (like you did) Though, the website with pictures of him MIGHT not be his. You never know. A friend of ours (who was getting divorced) his step-daughter made a Facebook account in his name writing all kinds of stuff that wasn't true. I guess it was her way of dealing with her anger about the divorce. (her mom had cheated). One of his coworkers found it and told him that it was inappropriate. That is how he found out. Yikes!
Either way, YOU did nothing WRONG here, OP
YOU made a MISTAKE dating someone who wasn't honest or truthful with you. Who lied to get in your pants and your life. I can understand that you feel you somehow missed "some clue" but maybe this man was VERY good at this "con".
Telling the wife won't make you feel better. The reason you WANT to tell HER is that YOU are mad at him. You want him to hurt too. And apparently, you want his wife to hurt as well.
Take a few to figure out your REAL motivation for telling the wife. And then decide if you want to tell her. I would not want to add extra stress to someone who works in such a high-stress job for a petty reason. And IF they ARE actually separated or having a trial separation it would look pretty petty to tell her and... pointless too.
Definitely CUT all contact with this man. I would probably call him and end it. Tell him you aren't interested in dating a married man. There is no future in that. Then block and move on.
Stop beating yourself up. You can't know if a person is honest with you from the get-go. You can't know if someone feels "justified" to cheat because his wife is working away from the family. I know if a couple of nurses that have to spend time in an RV (although theirs was in the front yard) to isolate due to Covid so they don't expose it to their kids. Any husband who thinks that is a go-ahead to cheat is a scumbag.
Accept you picked a skeevy one. Go slower next time. Do a little sleuthing. Met his family and friends. Usually, if a guy isn't single he can't really introduce his mistress.
It's OK to be hurt and angry, but let it go. You didn't CHOOSE to cheat with a married man.
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