A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm twenty-one years old. On my spring break vacation my friends and I met this cool group of guys, including "Joe." I was also hanging out with another guy I met, "Mike." Mike was the one I was "in love" with all week. Joe was cool- I spent one of the last nights with him, and we didn't do anything. The next day I had sex with Mike.I came home and talked to Mike somewhat, but Joe and I started talking so I didn't talk to Mike anymore. I never really got to know Joe very well until after vacation. Now it's been a few months and we talk everyday. He lives a few hours away but it's almost like we're dating and we'll see each other soon. The problem is, spring break comes up in conversation occasionally, about how we met and everything, and I wonder if I'm wrong not to tell him about what happened with Mike. Joe and I weren't together then, but I feel like I'm lying if he doesn't know about it. I don't know if he needs to know. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): You know you have to tell him. You realize it yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have asked.
A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 daletom's advice is pure gold. Really. But I'd tell him just to get it off my conscience; you may have some reassuring to do, and as long as he doesn't get angry, he's worth it. (perhaps?)
Yours, Kama
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 June 2010):
There is a wide range of variation among what people - both men and women - expect about their partner's sexual exclusivity. If you scan the posts on this forum for a month or two you'll find everything from the twenty-something who broke up with his/her partner of 5 years after discovering that she/he was a virgin, to the forty-something who is tormented after discovering that her/his spouse wasn't a virgin after all. For a few, knowing about their partner's other lovers is at least educational (e.g., "Mike had this way of touching me right THERE . . . .") or even an erotic turn-on.
Of course it's a lot easier to deal with sexual history when there isn't very much of it. In general, before you start a sexual relationship with somebody, the other party should probably know whether there have been other partners. Beyond that each individual needs to determine what should be known or withheld.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I cant see it mattering to him what you did with someone else when you two werent together yet. Yea you were talking with Joe, but I cant think that he would think you werent dating around at all. I'm sure he liked a few others at the time two. He doesn't need to know, but if he specifically asks about you seeing or being with anyone else then, then I wouldn't lie either because you didn't do anything wrong. So, don't mention it unless he asks. But if he does don't lie and don't act like it's a big deal. And don't be surprised if he had a night with a girl or two either.
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