A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Three months ago, an HR rep from a previous company that I worked for, asked if I would assist them on a case (lawsuit) that was being filed against them. I said yes, and the rep stated that their outside counsel would call me and I would assist him. I was happy to help out. Well, he called me and I answered his questions in preparation for the deposition. He was in another city and would be flying in to where I live to attend the deposition with me. To be brief, we met the day before the depo and had lunch-- other lawyers were present. The next day the depo had been postponed so he left to go back to his city. That evening, I emailed him with additional information that I needed to bring to his attention. He emailed me back that he would be back in town the following week to conduct the deposition of the plaintiff. He said that if I wanted to, he would love to take me out for a drink after the depo. I said yes, and then he emailed back and asked me out for dinner--- when we first met, I didn't think twice about him and I just thought that this was going to be a nice dinner with a nice man. (I have been divorced for 10 1/2 years- have an 11 year old daughter-- and I haven't dated anyone since my divorce) So, finally, the day of the 'date' arrives. Both of us were really nervous-- but, after we arrived at the restaurant and started talking, we both relaxed and connected. I told him about myself and he told me about hisself-- He is 15 years older than me, has two adult children- and he stated at one point that "their mother was no longer with us". I didn't want to ask what happened on the first date-- didn't want to pry. However, I understood that to mean that she had passed. He was not wearing a wedding ring and he noted that I was alot like her in my physical features. After dinner, we went to several different clubs and just had a great time together. When we were walking back to my car, we were crossing a bridge and that is when we 'collided'! He pulled me close to him and kissed me like I had never been kissed before. I literally saw stars. This happened at 2:30am-- I knew that I needed to get home because I had to get my daughter ready for school, take her to school and I had to go to work. He was the perfect gentleman and walked me to my car, however, we both stated that he had to visit again and we had to go out again. A week passes and he calls me with the dates that he will be back in town. He asks me to spend the weekend with him. I agreed and during the two weeks prior, planned the perfect weekend with him. I was very excited and happy to have met such a wonderful person. The weekend arrives and it was perfect--- everything went as planned. Our first evening, was magical, the second and third, were better! We had a great time-- went sailing, had great dinners, drank fabulous wine, went dancing, and talked. As the weekend was coming to an end, we both said how much we enjoyed each other and that we had to do this again--- kind of like 'destination dating' since we live 3000 miles apart!A couple of days after our weekend, I decide to 'google' him. Of course, all of this information about his law practice and cases comes up and he is very respected in his field. I, then, decide to look up his wife and I cannot find anything about her-- I could not find a death certificate or obituary. Next, I decided to look up his two children. I find out that one of his children is ill with a pre-cancerous condition and this child has a web site marking the journey of this condition. Finally, I open up the website, and there is a photo of him with his family from 3-4 years ago. His wife is in the photo. I see that the child writes a blog--- go onto the blog and posted on Mother's Day of this year, is a note to the mother stating: "I know that if you could, you would be helping me Mommy-- It has been two years since you left us" (she has a degenerative disease, like ALS, and is in an almost vegetative state!)At this point, I am shaking and in shock. I am devastated and right now I am crying as I write this. I don't know what to say or do or feel. Last week, we had planned to talk this coming Tuesday to discuss the case and to discuss our future rendezvous'-- How can I even talk to him now???I feel horrible about what he must be going through, and it is clear that he was looking for a little joy and happiness and saw that in me. However, he never mentioned any of this to me--- I am not a homewrecker!!! Also, I don't think I should tell him that I know, because I don't want him to know that I was checking him out! We had such a wonderful weekend and I really thought that this might lead to something down the road-- but now I cannot. I think it best that I speak to him on Tuesday about the case, of course, and if he brings up any future meetings, I should just say no.Any advice or thoughts from anyone out there would be most appreciated. I am very distraught. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): You are NOT a homewrecker. ALS is. According to Kubler-Ross it is possible to completely grieve the death of a terminal loved one before they die, and I assume that is what has happened here. This man is trying to find a little happiness and self-gratification in an otherwise tragic situation where he surely has been very self-sacrificial. Not to be indelicate, but it takes a very long time to die from ALS. ALS is, however, terminal. I see no reason why there couldn't be something down the road for the two of you, but I do think there are hurdles. His kids aren't going to accept a new mom without losing an old one. br br
Still, he is alone, ready to look for something new, and will eventually be an eligible widower. He's seeing you and he's shown fidelity by staying with his wife until illness took her from him. I think you're actually on good footing and these are good signs. There is, however, an elephant in the room. If you were to suggest that you were looking for something long-term, but that you were willing to take your time and ease into it... well that's exactly what he would need in his current circumstances, isn't it? You may well coax him into discussing the elephant in the room. br br
And as an aside, you shouldn't feel even one iota of guilt. If I should ever find myself slowly dying of some awful disease and my wife had devoted years to caring for me and helping me through I can only pray that there would be a man good enough to be there for her when she's being so selfless to be there for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): Soon, thank you for answering. Let me clarify... The law case has has nothing to do with us-- because of it, we met. I found out after the weekend about his child who has a pre-canc condition and through her website found out that her mother, his wife, is still alive but in a vegetative state. I guess she has been that way for almost two years.
Anyway, I like what und prin states-- I think I will wait and give him a chance to tell me. If he doesn't on our next weekend together then I will decide what to do or say then.
What do you think?
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A
female
reader, underground_princess  +, writes (30 May 2010):
It's up to you, and by now who knows what you have done.
But if she's been in a vegetative state for so long, how long will she stay in it?
He seems like a smart, respectable gentleman. I'm sure he's not dating you the same way a cheater would. and I'm sure he's not keeping you in the dark for deceptive reasons. Perhaps give him some time to fully explain things to you first, before you decide. Or just give him the option now to explain things.
Considering what you've both been through, you both deserve to be happy. Things are not often simple.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness.
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