A
female
age
30-35,
*immiluvb
writes:So it's been awhile since I've been on here but I am actually in a new relationship with a great guy for the most part. I just don't know if he is in it for the long term or just passing through. We met on match.com, and we both want the same things in life as far as a relationship. We have been talking since the end of Oct but only been in a relationship since Dec. He is 25 and I am 21. I'm in college and he has a good career already. Now when we were just talking he would text me everyday, with not too much time inbetween, but now since we are official it takes him an hr sometimes to even text back. When I mentioned it to him he said "I'm a slow texter" but now he tells me this once I've already gotten use to him texting me right back. The other deal is that we never really talk about our future and he use to always say stuff like he misses me and if he didn't text back fast enough he would apologize and explain what was taking him so long. The other part is when we first started talking I was staying in Texas still and he was in St. Louis. So we were apart for quite awhile before we seen each other. Now we see each other twice a week at the most. I sometimes feel like it should be more what do you think? Also I told him recently that I feel as if he puts me second towards his friends because he always chooses to do things with them instead of me. He apologized and said that I am not second to him at all, but that's just the way it feels. I just don't think he pays me enough attention anymore since we started our relationship with each other! My question is should I tell him or continue to go with the flow until we have dated a little longer? I'm starting to really fall for this guy and I'm just not sure if the feelings are mutual, I sure hope so!!! I really need to know if I should just bring up our relationship and see how he really feels about it because I'm trying to be in it for the long hall.. So please give me some good feedback!!
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female
reader, kimmiluvb +, writes (15 January 2014):
kimmiluvb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll of you guys had such valid points and I really appreciate the responses. Now I am going to stop my clingy actions and realize that the relationship is still new and I just need to take everything slow.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (15 January 2014):
 You've only been dating him a short while. Dating is a discovery phase for both of you, so he doesn't even know if he's "in it for the long term". It is too soon to have this sort of a discussion.
He has only known you for a short amount of time, so he will naturally put his friends first, or at least on an equal footing as you, for a while. He's not going to change his life overnight for a woman he's been dating for a month; that would be unhealthy dating.
If I were you I'd carry on dating him for a while and stop focusing on text messages etc, just enjoy his company and let yourselves get to know each other. Dating twice a week is fine. In between dates, keep up your social life, see your friends and family. Let this develop at the pace it's going.
If you still feel frustrated after 6 months, and feel that frustration is really warranted, of course it's worth having a talk with him. Now is not the time.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 January 2014):
 To be completely and brutally honest with you, I think you're coming across as very needy and clingy.
Does he used a justification as to why he took an hour to respond to a text? He could have been asleep! He could have been watching TV or in the shower. He could have been on the phone with his mother, at the gym, or charging his phone in the other room. He could have been doing a million other things. point being that it's very clingy to stress and complain over this issue. It's smothering.
Second, you say he no longer talks about your future. To be honest, it's way too soon to even be worried about a future, let alone discussing one. So don't even worry about that.
The surest and quickest way to chase someone away is by coming across as needy. In this case, if you say something, you will definitely come across this way and it may cause him to either grow distant or just flat out leave you.
Try to tone it down just a bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): He works a full-time job throughout the day, and most professionals have little time to be texting when they should be working. I'm going to be a little tough here.
I'm not trying to mean, just realistic.
As a professional myself, I get back to my friends or dates; when I find the time throughout my busy schedule.
Just as I respond to this site. It is in between things.
I often use my lunch hour to respond to these posts, and reply to my messages. If I have time between meetings I will make a few calls and respond to messages. I sense that is what he does.
I think you have to get off the kick of timing text responses. Your time and day is more flexible than his, and he would look quite unprofessional frequently texting in a very active business environment. It's frowned upon in my office, and most others. It's poor etiquette. Most bosses loathe it.
"Text-response anxiety" is for teenagers. Not adult women with a busy college schedule; and important things to do throughout her day. You can touch base during lunchtime and after work.
You make special allowances when you first meet. You cheat a little to steal time to chat, and take risks that could land you in trouble. At some point you have to stop. You also have to get the point across you've got other things to do, and you just might be busy. Constant texting becomes a chore, like a homework assignment. Most adults prefer talking.
Things start to settle into reasonable schedules and time-frames. You are the one who needs to make some adjustments. He can't cater to your need to be reassured he still likes you on the hour. Grow up.
You are being needy and demanding. I expect others to fall in with you and tell you he isn't that interested. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. Nor is it true.
Well, this is how you learn about his habits. He's a few years older and a little more mature in his thinking. You need to get your insecurity under control, and act like an adult and allow your relationship to slowly grow. Not get pissed off over petty things.
Don't give me that silly excuse and exaggerated nonsense that he spends more time with his friends. That is always thrown in, so you look less needy. I'm smarter than that. If he has a girlfriend, he is not going to look like he likes being with guys more than with his girl. Nor is he going to look whipped trying to pacify your clinginess.
Maybe you need to slow it down, and not dedicate so much time and effort. Try to give and take at the same pace.
Go with the flow. Ask him when it is best to contact him at work. You can still send cute messages, and just wait. They don't have to be shot back to you like they're urgent.
Stop using your cell phone as a love-o-meter. If he responds in the first few minutes, does some special chime go off; or do you get more travel points?
Don't turn prima donna and make unfair judgments that he's losing interest; because the relationship isn't hot and heavy like it was the first few weeks. He's is expecting you to be more mature about it. It's all puppy-love and mad messaging when you first meet.
Once you're established as a couple; it is sensible messaging and more adult interaction. If you need hourly messaging and someone to fawn over you all day, find a young high school student. Even a teenage boy will start to taper off after the first few weeks.
If he is so indifferent and neglectful. Then dump him.
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