A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:(This is more like a novel than a question, it's really long, sorry) I have a bit of a complex situation, it's a bit silly and I'm probably worrying about nothing so please don't laugh.I've been on a couple of dates with a great guy, but we've been friends for about six months. But the thing is, we're both in our mid-20's, and the one and only sexual experience I've had in my life was a traumatic one about five years ago. For a while I wasn't able to trust men but I've gotten past that now, and I'm comfortable and actually a bit excited about the idea of dating and sex. But he doesn't know about this, and don't laugh but I'm worried I'll be crap in bed when he have sex the first time. I've never told anyone, most people think I'm wild and adventurous due to my personality and my thrill-seeking lifestyle. The thing is, we hang out with the same circle of friends after work (mostly men, I've always been 'one of the guys'. Plus we live on a military base so women are few and far between) and sometimes the boys would start to talk about things they've experienced sexually that they loved, and I don't even know what they're talking about half the time, of course I'm too embarrassed to say that so I just pretend like I know. So I know that he's experienced and that he likes to be adventurous during sex, so I'm scared of how he'll react. If I tell him I'm practically a virgin, I'll have to tell him why, and I don't want to freak him out with my previous trauma and past emotional baggage and all that. (My first sexual experience I was raped by four guys at a party just so you know the kind of thing I'd have to tell him. Not something every guy wants to hear about a girl he's dating, and not easy for me to tell him either, especially since I've never told a soul about it). But on the other hand if I don't tell him I might turn out to be crap in bed due to inexperience, and I definitely don't want that. I have actually been losing sleep over this to tell you the truth. To tell or not to tell, and if I do tell, how and when? And if I decide not to tell, how can I hide my inexperience from him? O dear God I'm in a pickle, if anyone could offer any suggestions whatever I'd be eternally grateful. Thanks heaps and sorry this was so long :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): Thanks guys, your advice really reassured me. I bit the bullet and did tell him gradually. I didn't give him the details at first, I just mentioned 'a traumatic experience'. After a while he did ask if I wouldn't mind telling him exactly what had happened, and so I sat him down and told him the whole story. He was shocked and actually got a bit teary as I told him but you were all pretty accurate, he is okay with it and wants to help in any way he can. I was so terrified about telling him but I was reassured by your comments, thanks heaps. :)
A
male
reader, Checkup Man  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 I think that everything should really start with LOVE! If this guy loves you and cares about you he will be only too willing to listen to you, with whatever is on your mind. I think I'd be rather keen to tell him that I want to talk to him one evening about something very important. Then, when you've told him what you have stated in this posting, you would probably have this guy's character virtually summed up in one evening. If he LOVES you he will say something like "We can work around this, darling" and hold you close to him. If he goes cold on you, then you'll be better off without him. Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell him gradually, just in case he is the type of person to broadcast it around the military base, holding back the rape issue would be wise initially, but I think you could say you had a traumatic experience earlier in life. As I say, I reckon if he loves you he'll want to help you in any and every way he can....it sounds like you NEED a guy like that right now! Take care and all the best to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): To draw from personal experience, a girlfriend of mine was also raped, as her first "sexual experience", which I was aware of from the start. Personally this did make me uncomfortable in bedroom with her at first, but eventually we developed a relationship and an understanding that overcame this.
However, a lot of people may find this too difficult to deal with, so even something as simple as letting him know you're not experienced, and not at all confident, and that you want to take things slow in this department, may be the best option. Being friends for a while before hand will help, as it appears that he likes you for you, so telling him this should not be an issue.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 I'm not so sure about the other responses I'm afraid. Whilst some men may be able to handle what you tell them, others will find knowing how you were raped very hard to handle, so early on in a relationship. You run the risk of him not wanting to be with you if he handles it badly.
I would suggest that you tell him that you have had very limited sexual experience, and that it was really not good. And just say you're embarrassed by that, which is why you've been pretending to know. No one could fault you for that.
You don't need to tell him more than that at this early stage, in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): i dont think you should say anything to your partner once the time comes to have sexual intercourse just go with the flow and it wouldnt really matter if your good or not so good as long as your in love
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A
female
reader, Troys-Sweetie  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 ok here goes. my first sex experience was awful. don't really like to talk about it but lets just say it's not far from your dilemma. but i have found that if you open up to a man about your past trauma, he will either leave you (which is ok cause you don't want a man that doesn't care) or he will help you emotionally which i have been so fortunate to find. lots of men love inexperienced women. maybe because they have not been around the world and back. you should just sit down and tell him exactly what you said here. tell him your fear. i think that you will find that experience is not all that important and he will probably be very gentle and tender knowing all that you have been through. any decent man would.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Tell him the truth, he needs to know and as you known each other for 6 months he may be very understanding about it.
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