A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok I hope this doesen't sound too shallow...I recently got pregnant with an ex who is a complete and utter ass as well as verbally abusive to me. Shortly after the break-up my best friend introduced me to a friend of her's who is the sweetest most handsome guy ever, I've totally fallen in love with him. After finding out I was pregnant, I told my current boyfriend that its his even though from checking dates I know its not. I just can't bear the thought of losing him and don't want my ex involved with anything, I know he'd leave me high and dry and be a deadbeat to begin with. I do have this underlying feeling of guilt that its somehow wrong to lie to my boyfriend. He's been great through this and wants to get married. He works full-time as well as taking higher college courses, he recently told me he quit school for now to focus on the baby and I. How do I get over this feeling of guilt? I feel I just can't be truthful as I fear he might leave me, and I want my child to have the best and I just can't do this on my own. My child won't have a chance at success if I tell the truth.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): You feel guilty because you know what you are doing is wrong.
Tell the truth to this man and do not ruin his life by him choosing to leave school for you and a child that is not his based on your lies.
You've made poor choices. Don't drag him down further by having him quit school based on lies to make things easier for you.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 August 2012):
This is as cut and dry of an "issue" as I have ever read here.
1 - The real father has the right to know he has a child out there, no matter if he is an "ass" or not, no shades of gray here. To be blunt, I wonder if he was so much of an "ass," then why did you put yourself in a position to have a child with him?
2 - The new bf has the right to know the child is not his. No shades of gray here either. If a woman told me early on that a child wasnt mine, there's a chance Id stay depending on the circumstances. Conversely, if a woman lied to me about something of this magnitude, (both financially and emotionally), there is no way Id ever forgive her. In fact, I would likely sue her for any money I spent under false pretenses.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 August 2012):
Eyeswideopen hit the nail on the head: it's not a question of "if" but "WHEN" he'll find out. With modern technology going as fast as it is, you do not really have a choice anymore when it comes to that, OP. You now have to decide whether you want to be a lying coward who hurts everyone around her or deal with the situation head on like a honorable mom would.
["I feel I just can't be truthful as I fear he might leave me, and I want my child to have the best and I just can't do this on my own. My child won't have a chance at success if I tell the truth."]
That's the weakest excuse I ever heard. My sister became a single mom at 20. No education, bf left her, bad career prospects, not to mention her son was born with a lung defect. She was desperate at first but got her act back together and she managed. She's now 28 and she's taking evening classes, living with her son in a nice apartment and she recently got a new boyfriend who is very good to her and her son. This is not a miracle story. This is the story that can be applied to many determined single moms who were strong enough to deal with the consequences of their actions instead of pointing fingers at their circumstances saying "poor me!" Cowards do that and you should know better than that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): Easy painless DNA tests are available over-the-counter at your local drugstore for cheaper than a cell phone. The days of keeping paternity secrets are over. Do everyone a favor and tell the truth at the beginning.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 August 2012):
 You might have been able to fool the guy 30 years ago when DNA testing was expensive and rarely done but now a days no way will you get away with this. I imagine DNA testing will be routine in the very near future for many medical procedures so the truth will definitely come out. You are in for a world of hurt not to mention the pain you are inflicting on those around you. Don't be a monster, Missy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): How can he find out? Well, for starters the kid may not look like him. Secondly, the kid's DNA can reveal it. If your kid has anything hereditary etc Bottom line is, you can't change your kid's DNA
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (8 August 2012):
Apart from the obvious issue that it's completely morally wrong to tell this man that the baby is his simply because you don't want to lose your boyfriend, won't he be able to calculate that the dates are wrong when you go for dating scans at the hospital? You won't be able to hide the dates from him if is he heavily involved in the pregnancy, ie. thinks he is the baby's father.
I can only echo what everyone else has said here. You need to take responsibility for your actions; contact the father, and let your bf continue with his education. If he really loves you then why do you have so little faith in him that you think he will leave you anyway? I would imagine that if you had been honest from the start you might have been able to sort out the situation in a way which was fair to everyone involved (not just you), but your actions have probably put things even more at risk- I would imagine any man would have serious doubts about a woman would is prepared to lie about paternity in order to trap him into a lifelong relationship and everything that entails. To many I think it would indicate she has no morals at all.
Do you have any brothers? How would you feel if some woman was deliberately deceiving your brother into giving up his education and paying for a baby he has been misled into thinking is his own?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): You should tell him right now and give him the choice. Apologize for your mistake and say that the math doesn't add up for the baby to be his. You risk losing him, but this is the right thing to do for everyone involved.
Or you could just keep quiet. Genetics will tell him the truth, then you will be guaranteed to lose him. Because he turned his life upside down to do the right thing, and you lied to him. He will stop caring about you when he finds out, and then there's little to care about the baby because that's not his either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): I'm NOT having an abortion. I just dont know how to tell him. How would he ever find out unless he had huge doughts?
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 August 2012):
its this type of deceit which gives all women a bad name. the best thing you could do is be honest, or if you can do it have an abortion, honestly it might be for the best. its not fair to deceive a man in this way. I understand your situation is hard. good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): If you want to do what is best for the child then don't sleep with men who make bad fathers.
If you want to do what is best for the child of a bad father, then abort it as soon as you know you are pregnant or at least give it up for adoption.
If you have refused to choose the father well, and you have refused to stop the pregnancy or adopt, then don't hide behind the "what is best for the child" excuse when you decide to steal 20 years from a better man to avoid responsibility for your choices. Doing the best thing for the child is not your motivation.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 August 2012):
 You can't and shouldn't try to get rid of the feelings of guilt. They are there for a reason - because what you are doing is wrong. It's wrong for him and it's also wrong for the baby on the way. It's not "somehow wrong" - it's definitely and totally wrong. It's worrying that you only have limited understanding of that.
Anyway, I think it's unlikely that you'll be able to keep this a secret. If he finds out you lied to him, he might never forgive you. If you tell him now, he might accept it. You can tell him that you thought it might be his baby and dearly hoped for that, but you've checked the dates and it's very unlikely/ impossible. OK it's not entirely true but a lot better than what you're suggesting . And I think you should do this sooner rather than later. Leave it too long, let him find out the truth some other way, and he will have every right to despise you.
I haven't been in your situation but appreciate that it must be very daunting and scary. That doesn't mean that it's OK to lie about such a big thing, though. Take the chance, tell him the baby isn't his. If he's the amazing, loving guy you think he is, it might just be OK.
I know you want the best for your child but it's no excuse.
If I sound overly firm about this its because I want you to realise that you're on the verge of making a huge mistake.
Good luck and do what's right.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 1. Yes... it's "too shallow".... AND,
2. It's fraudulent.
HOW are you going to feel when "new boyfriend" learns that you bamboozled him????? ... and set him up for a life of committment based upon YOUR lie and fraud???? AND... when he gets out of HIS "committment" because it was based on a lie... AND leaves you to your own devices, because you don't know how to live with the TRUTH??????
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): "I do have this underlying feeling of guilt that its somehow wrong to lie to my boyfriend. "
Somehow wrong!?!? You are perpetrating the biggest lifetime fraud that it is possible for one person to pull on another and it might be 'somehow wrong'? Have you no morals at all?
Kid, tell him now. If he stays with you, great. If not, you are avoiding the inevitable explosion of your relationship when he finds out. He WILL find out, make no mistake.
If you continue to lie to him, he will hate you for it when he discovers it.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 Wow most men know when they get a women prego cause they do it on purpose cause they want you in there life or they believe your the best canidate for having children ask him is he go leave tell him so he have a choice to know and decide cause wouldn't you want that as well
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): I'm afraid you can't have an easy way out of this. You cannot lie to a kind, decent guy and risk him giving up his education ( that will help him have a better job, finances etc...) and allow him to raise another mans child. It is not right and you will spend a lifetime living with guilt and worry that it will all come out. You must tell him before the baby is born, before he has any chance to form a bond as the longer you leave it the worse the reaction is going to be.
Being honest with him may cost you the relationship, but you may also be able to salvage the relationshbut if you tell him sooner rather than later. You know really you should not deceive him by making him think the baby is his. If the Dad is as deadbeat as you think he may stay out of the child's life and allow you to get on with things.
If you do have to do it on your own, you will cope. You are not the first single mother and you certainly won't be the last and there should be a support group within or around your area to meet other mums who can offer you advice and support.
Good luck and be strong, I understand what a difficult position you are in but you need to put an end to this lie before an innocent little child gets mixed up in it all x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): You have to tell him. There might be a time and place where his blood may have to be matched up against the child's. You never know if the child or himself may face ailments growing up. I have the opposite opposite situation. I may have gotten a girl pregnant and she doesn't want me to be involved with the baby. I''m not a deadbeat or abusive guy. It killed me inside that she didn't even want to tell me, but I was happy she did.
Tell this guy before it comes out. It will comes out. Everything dark comes to light. Remember that. Tell him now before he realizes he might have given up his livelihood that could have benefited you and the child. Giving up school, etc. If he found out later than sooner, its going to end sloppily.
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