A
male
age
30-35,
*thancoop21
writes:Okay so I have been with my boyfriend now for 14 months and I practically live with him cause I stay over all the time. I do love him and I know that he really loves but we have been arguing a lot over the past month. The arguments can be from little things to big things. Two nights ago I went out for my best friend's birthday and she ended up pulling someone and I was left like an idiot until this quite good looking guy started talking to me.We end up talking about politics because that what we both study at diffrent universities and we were having a heated discussion and suddenly he kissed me and it was great. He was a really good kisser and I started to kiss him back and we ended up kissing each other for the rest of the night but eventually the club shut and he walked me back to my hotel and gave me a kiss goodbye and that was it. We didn't do anything else and I had no intention what so ever to invite him up to my room anyway. But now I can't stop thinking about him, I love my boyfriend and I want to stay with him but I feel really guilty about what I did and especially now because I can't stop thinking about the other guy. Should I tell him about the other guy and explain that it was only kissing and that nothing else happened. Or should I keep quite and just try to stop thinking about the other guy?! :/
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male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (6 June 2015):
Owle, as usual hit the nail straight on the head.
I only have a couple of things to add.
1: the patterns and behaviors he lays out are pretty true for hetero couples as well.
2: I would have willingly killed to have had a confession from my wife rather than have to drag it out, kicking and screaming with proof.
That second one is the real paradox. His analysis is, of course, accurate. How would I have handled it had I gotten that confession? I may well have left her. Instead, after digging hard enough to get irrefutable proof, I had time to absorb, contemplate, hurt, mourn, and otherwise process what I was going through, so when the time came that she couldn't weasel through any more lies, I was in an emotional and mental place to work through it and keep our marriage intact.
A
male
reader, kpak +, writes (6 June 2015):
Tell him. Let him make his choice based on truth. Its only right and it will eat you alive if you don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): You are very young and have a lot to learn about commitment and self-control. I'm an older and experience gay man, with a couple of very successful long-term relationships under my belt. Let me share the wisdom.
Disagreements put us at odds with the people we love; but during that time in conflict, our anger to makes us feel temporarily detached/unattached. We are distraught and disappointed that our honeymoon-period has ended. That's when we are most vulnerable to cheating on our mates. The anger makes you feel justified; but your conscience kicks-in "after" any slips you make. Then you're sorry, after the fact. The funny thing about human nature is; remorse comes AFTER the bad deed is done! It's never a deterrent!
Self-control has to be practiced to remind yourself you've hit a bump in your relationship; but you shouldn't turn to sex with other people to justify your anger. You cheated on your boyfriend, at the worst time ever. So if you told him now, he will not be able to forgive you.
You don't say what your arguments are about; but I might assume your relationship has run its course (or is about to), and you're both getting itchy feet. It's typical in young gay-male relationships. You tire of each other, and miss random sex-partners. Running loose with your friends, buck-wild, and free. Then after a breakup, you turn into drama-queens; and get insanely jealous over your ex when he decides to replace you with someone younger and cuter.
It starts out with every little thing becoming a major irritation, and you get in each others way. There's a lot of drama and frequent arguments. You find constant fault in everything the other one says or does. You become unnecessarily short-tempered with each other; or super-critical of the others weaknesses and imperfections. Harping on every little mistake like it was a tragedy. Then come the episodes of infidelity. Other people becoming more attractive and sexually-desirable.
You just couldn't help yourself. Now you're sorry? Oh, really?!!
Here's some tough-love coming at you!
You have two options. You can tell your boyfriend. It will add more fuel to the fire that is already raging between you. The other option is to keep it to yourself; and never to approach the other guy ever again. If you travel in small circles; it is likely your boyfriend may find-out.
Making-out with someone in a club where anyone can see you is how most gay-gossip hits the fan. Or, when you least expect it; the guy walks up to you on the street, or at the club when you're with your mate. The most awkward of moments, assuredly.
You will be told by a few people you should confess to your boyfriend. This is usually very hypocritical advice; because people who have been burned demand confessions they can't handle anyway. When the situation is in reverse, they wouldn't confess if your stuck needles in their eyeballs and twisted their nipples with metal pliers! People who have been cheated on are very sensitized by it. So they will suggest confessing; because that's what they wanted their cheating mate to do. In all honesty, not really. It ripped their hearts out to find out by snooping. Let alone getting a full-frontal confession! "Ignorance is bliss!" Kissing is a minor infraction...but still cheating!
Saying you can't stop thinking about the other guy means you're not sorry. You'd do it again if you had the chance.
You'll regret it too!
I suggest you keep your mouth shut; and deal with it; if it becomes an issue. You're already in trouble at home, and this is way too combustible for the moment.
If you do confess; don't expect to be forgiven or trusted for a very long time. He will feel you did it out of vengeance, and he will most likely retaliate. So the odds are in favor of keeping your trap shut; since you didn't actually have sex, but you did actually cheat!!! I oughta slap you silly for doing that. Shame, shame, shame, young man!
Get the other guy out of your head, if you want to keep what you have. It's just your over-enthused gay-hormones wanting to get out and party. Being faithful is a chore when you're mad at your mate; but it becomes easier once you reconcile your differences.
That's why you have to honor your loving-commitment with self-control, loyalty, and restraint. There are lots of attractive guys out there, and they will always be tempting and available. You made a commitment. If it means something to you, you will behave yourself. If you're just horny, you will sabotage your relationship by telling your boyfriend. Then weeks later, you'll agonize over wanting to get him back. This may be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and he just might dump you for good!
The other guy is just forbidden-fruit. Zip both your lips and your knickers. Have a talk with your mate and workout your differences. Apologize for all you've done to create the arguments and fights. Mean it! Ask him what he thinks will straighten things out, and what it is that you do or say that upsets him. Then tell him the same about himself.
Get it all on the table, forgive each other, and grow the f*ck up!!!
Kissing is still cheating; but it doesn't warrant the pain and dissension it will cause between you during a critical time in your relationship. Your timing couldn't be worse. If your dick is doing all your thinking; tell your mate, and get it over with. So you can breakup and go have another brief near-sexual encounter with a random stranger; only to realize that's all it was! Rebound-feelings are fake, and they just get you into trouble. The forbidden fruit is all the sweeter!
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