A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a little less than a year to a man I love. I could never imagine betraying our marriage ever- I am completely and happily devoted to him. Before we got married, we dated for about 10 years since I was 18- long distance. During that time we were both very immature, and over the years grew up and matured together eventually. However, through the dating- we would break up and get back together several times. We would argue (mostly due to the distance and because we were dumb kids!) During the breakups I briefly dated a few guys- and kissed them-but nothing more. Also, during a time we were NOT broken up, I went on summer vacation and ended up kissing another guy (I was about 21 or 22 and still trying to figure out what I wanted in a partner and in life). Through all these experiences I have discovered that my husband (then boyfriend) is the one for me. I was so young when I began dating him long distance- I felt I had to see what was out there or get things out of my system. He doesn't know I dated anyone -- and I feel guilty. Even though this was years ago during my teens and early 20's- I feel bad. I think it would hurt him if he found out. Should I tell him or move on? Your help is so appreciated...(worried and feeling low)
View related questions:
get back together, immature, kissing, long distance, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2014):
 I'm curious as to why this is an issue now, and why this guilt and low feeling didn't compel you before you were married to him. What is the change??
What you did with other guys while you two were broken up is your business. Break up means break up, and it's quite possible that he slept with other girls during that time. In fact, I'd be extremely surprised if he didn't to be honest.
I have some questions here because quite frankly, I'm on the fence. My advice hinges on the EXACT nature of your long-distance relationship throughout these 10 years, and back when you kissed the guy to be specific.
1. Why were you two long distance for 10 years?? At what point did you go local?
2. What's causing all of this guilt now when there wasn't guilt before the marriage?
3. Do you have kids or are you pregnant?
4. Do you still have contact with this guy you kissed?
5. Has he confessed similar unfaithfulness or talked about dating when you two were broken up?
6. Were you two sexual with each other the entire 10 years? How often did you visit each other, and how far apart was the distance?
7. What were your arguments about when you were dating that caused you to break up? Who initiated the breakups, and who initiated the reunions?
8. Had you two become sexual before you kissed this other guy?
Something tells me that your relationship was unusual. If you two had been local this entire time, I'd say absolutely come clean, but there are other dynamics here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): The same logic that says there is no point in telling him about this, also says there is no point in telling him about anything else. Why tell him if you had full blown affairs, slept with multiple other guys, etc?You owed him this info before you got married. What went on back then was only kissing in the physical sense but it was also DATING. Your husband was deprived of his chances to do that because he thought you were being faithful to him. That might have affected his decisions on your relationship and other things. Even today he might still occasionally look wistfully at other women and wonder if his decision to marry you would have been different if he could have dated someone else - but he didn't want to betray you that whole time so he had no way of exploring anyone else like you did. He has been wronged. Just because you decided you still want to be with him after it was over that does not mean this has not hurt anyone. Your husband gave up the right to explore other people in exchange for getting a woman who did the same. Only he did not really get that, he got a liar. Your choices now are shitty. You have two bad options. Don't tell him and continue profiting from the lie for the rest of your life. Its meaningless to feel guilty about stealing something if you are not willing to give back what you took. That isn't suffering the guilt of the wrongdoing, it is rationalizing that its right for you to keep getting away with it.The other choice is to tell him. This is also a shitty choice that will cause a lot of trouble and probably make your husband never feel quite the same way about you again. I don't need to explain the downsides to this one. Your deception all these years will probably be the hardest part for him to deal with. Whatever you do now, either way you will probably end up spending a lot of time wishing you had chosen the other one.
...............................
A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (27 February 2014):
Yes I think there's no need. We have our little secrets and if it's not a habit, don't make a big deal out of it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 No, you don't have to tell that to your husband because:1) it's without consequence. You know from that experience how strong hormones can be, it will be something you will be able to teach your kids to beware of.2) it will burst a crisis made of retro-jealousy and a severe distrust that can spoil your whole life for 10 years. Are you ready for that ?3) and what if your husband, in order to take a revenge from what you would have confessed, now confesses he f.cked around while you were "just" kissing a guy after another... Don't open the Pandora box if you don't want the worst to come out from it.4) your kisses taste won't never be the same for him. Trust me, the idea of another man's taste on your lips will emerge and you will be like "stained" by it, even years later.5) A leopard never changes its spots one may say: so do you want your husband to think you could cheat on him at any moment in the future ?To sum up: keep it quiet, and swallow your guilty conscience. None of you two need to spoil your life for a youthful indiscretion, I repeat it: without any consequence.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): NO!!!!
Definitely not.
You're never going to do it again.
If you tell him, he will have all sorts of questions. He will be worried that you actually went farther than kissing. He will be worried that you're lying, that it happened multiple times, that you'll do it again, etc. etc. Don't ruin 10 years of trust for one tiny thing that you regret and won't ever do again.
Move forward, forgive yourself, and make the most of your life together :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 I have to ask, What do you hope to achieve by telling him?
A "forgiveness" or "coming clean"?
To me it sounds like YOU are struggling with having NOT be 100% faithful over 10 years ago. I have to be honest and say, if it was something you FELT he should know you OUGHT to have told him BEFORE getting married, all it will do now is create a sense of mistrust and doubt.
So you made a mistake when you were 18. Are you going to repeat that mistake? No? Then why bring it up?
If he has kissed some girl when you two were 18 would you feel a need to KNOW about it? Would it make YOU feel better to know?
I think the time has passed where this information could have been important or even necessary.
Stop beating yourself up for not being "perfect" when you were 18. Shit happens. Let it go.
...............................
|
