A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok, so i want to know, how to tell a four year old that a man who she thinks is her father is not. should she even be told that at her age? should the man continue to be a part of her life even though the child's mother has disrespected the man's girlfriend and tried to break them up on many different occasions or should he completely cut all contact with the mother. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I really do hope that things shaped up the way they are supposed to be for me and my son. i do not know wat the future holds, but i am putting my trust in God.
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 Unfortunately the one responsible for this mess is your boyfriend, and I think you are making the right choice in setting him aside for right now. This will help you think and you will see things more clearly. Now with the bond he has with this child there is nothing you can do about it because if the child is or is not his that shouldn't matter because they have a father daughter relationship and he loves her as his daughter and their is no paternity test to say it isn't so. Good Luck with your decision and I believe this is the smartest thing you can do take time away from him and think on what you want out of this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat true dat's he's the problem an has been inconsiderate to my feelings. the woman admitted to havin sex wit him twice to his sister but i just cant see a man goin out with his child's mother the way he did and allowin her to come by him. he told me dat he wanted to have a child and accepted the child whether she was his or not. and how he got attached to the child. he said he had nothin to do wit her mother but its hard to believe because of how they went out together.
right now the woman is engaged an may be married this year while we are goin through this mess. he wasnt man enough to confess an jus face the consequences of his actions.
i saw a letter she wrote to him about 2 yrs ago stating how much she loves him an she is like so obessed over him that she told him to marry her an have watever woman he wants.
she said she jus want him to love her and be wit her for the child. i knew of many times he got into arguement wit her for callin me so i jus kept thinkin dat they dont have a relationship especially wen i heard her admit to his sister that they jus had sex twice. but i dont know wat 2 believe.
wats so hard is that we have a child together, he loves our son an adores him but he leaves our son undone to pay the little girl's school fees. i dont mind him helpin out a child u know, but had i known that he had intentions to support this child financially i would have taken a year off an see our son get everthing i could possibly want for him.
imagine our son daycare fees are to be paid in the beginning of the month as well as the little girl's school fees an he wait last minute till d end of d mth to pay his fees. in his family christmas isnt celebrated as in my family. he says to him christmas is jus a pagan festival but he went by the little girl each christmas went by an wen it was ours son's 1st christmas i had to beg him 2 come. he gave the little girl's grandfather $800 2 put up 2 buy a present for her an he jus gave our son a lil $50 gift.
i mean he always sayin how he wants a child an now without a doubt he has 1 an he places a child that may not be his infront of his own flesh and blood. he knew taht she had sex wit 3 other men around the time wen the child was conceived and she told his sister that she was pregnant for her bf den the story changed. on the day to register the child, her bf didnt even show up but another man did. this woman herself is a whore an is known to mess around with ppl bf's and she even had an affair with her married boss. she finally is in a stable relationship.
i jus cant believe he would do this to me. while the child is innocent he neither her mother is. they both are 2 disgusting ppl an i made up my mind that i cant be wit him. i jus cant deal wit this no more. i am in love wit him and do not know how long i would take to heal, but time is a healer an i deserve better.
he's a great father to our son even though he did move like he plaved his 'daughter' above him, he takes care of him an he continues to support financially witout a complaint. he shows he like spendin time wit our son an our little boy is jus so fond of him. i jus wish i could have given my child the privelege of havin d both of his parent together but his father is not a good bf.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (22 April 2010):
The whole problem in this threesome is not just the child mother; you have to see it its HIM! He is obviously playing you he has been playing both of you guys, so in reality what are you going to do about him. You need to forget about the child and the child's mother your problem is him and his lies and his unfaithfulness. If the child's mother is in your face and disrespecting you thank your lover for that because he has not given you the place you are screaming for, and he lies to you and he lies to her. The way that I see it, the problem is your cheating man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's good to know dat u some what understand how i feel...its jus so hard to move on since i am in love wit him. i do want to give us a try again but how can i possibly trust him again? and how can i even want to be wit a selfish an inconsiderate person.i jus cannot see how he could have go out wit the child in the presence of a woman who really disrespected me and tried to break up our relationship. i allowed her to get to me and i didnt do well on some exams that i needed to do to go to university. but thank God i did get through. i jus cant see why i should be in a relationship wit some1 who couldnt see wat he was doin would have hurt me so much. he said that he thought about how i would feel and he thought about how he would face me to tell me wat he was doin behind my back. but he didnt at least stop and say, ok well am not goin out wit the child if the mother has 2 come especially if i cant tell my girlfriend wat is goin on.an why should he have her in his house spending the evening wit him on valentines day. he keeps sayin that the mother didnt trust him wit her so she came along. after wat i went tru wit in my childhood days, i can understand not being able to trust some1 around ur girl child, but the thing is she says he's the dad. an it's so devastating to know that 5 dys b4 dat, she was by him and 10 days after valentines day, he went to see the child by her. that was last year. remember i got pregnant in 2008. i hid my pregnancy frm my parents for 4mths. an in february i told dem. my parents were devastated an my mom cried alot. i was goin through a really rough time. on the 15th i was supposed to go up in church in front of the congregation an confess that i was pregnant, how embarrassin i felt an i was so scared to go up infront of all those ppl. i go to a small church so its like 40-50ppl. an imagine he was spending the evening wit the child in the presence of her mother who really disrespected me. how must i feel. but apart from all of that he was there for me during the pregnancy, he rub my belly, held my hand wen i had to go up an down some steps. well he was a great bf and wasnt afraid to show dat he loved me in front of his friends. well i know that he and the woman had sex only 2 times since i heard her tellin his sister dat. his sister hqd put the fone on conference. an the woman also admitted that he didnt want to have anything to do wit her and he told her he wants to spend the rest of his life wit me. but wat i want 2 know is if should i let him go? or is he even worth tryin to make things work.thanks for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): Im so sorry to hear about all of that. After your more detailed story I think that the problem is him. You are a big person to be able to forgive him for cheating. I don't think I could. The first place he went wrong with this baby was not having a paternity test. He needs to do that before any decisions are made. if this kid is not his, he has a HUGE decision to make. He can accept her anyway and love her as his own, ore he can leave it to the mom to explain to the kid why daddy isn't coming back. Neither choice is easy. If this baby is his, than he needs to shape up with you and the baby mama. You have every right in the world to be suspiscious of this woman.
You and he need to have some very serious communication about how you feel. it seems like that is the last thing on his mind! Take the legal channels for a paternity test, then go from there. He needs to stop puting it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok well, we got into a relationship april 2005. one yr later i got a call from that woman stating something bout a child. mind you, she called me a couple times before harrassing me. anyway, i didnt know wat was goin on until i found out that 1mth after we got together he cheated on me an the woman got pregnant.
he put it across to me that he doesnt think that the child is his and wants to do a paternity test since the doctor told him that he couldnt have any children. but he supported the child financially an visited her on many occassions. however 2 yrs later after wen began our relationship, an after countless times of sex, i never got pregnant by him. so we thought that wat the doctor said was true.
even though we thought wat the doctor said was true i told him that he should still play a part n the child's life since she may be his irregardless of wat the doctor said. he acted as though he was goin to still play a part in the child's life but her grandparents didnt want him around the house so he jus didnt want to go back to their house. but little did i know wat was goin on.
the thing is i just couldnt handle any baby mama drama. countless nights i went to bed cryin because of wat the woman used to call me and say to me. my life was just in a mess. my relationship wit him was jus in distress. she tried to break us up on many occassions. the woman even threatened me an i said if this is wat i would have to deal with for the rest of my life i want out. i told him i just cant handle this an if the child is really his i jus cannot deal with this child's mother for the rest of my life. but, as time went by, i fell in love wit him. he was a good bf to me an did things to show he loved me. so i jus couldnt see myself without him an decided to accept this child if she was his. i even thought about goin out wit him and the child. but he was jus so pretensive. he kept me thinking that he visited the child once in a while an that was it.
7weeks ago i saw some pics of him an the child. he visited her regularly, went out wit her and her mother. they went to the beach together, water park, the zoo, for ice cream. while its good for him playin an active father role to the child, he should have told me where he went. i even told him dat i jus cant do witout him an i would accpet the child if the child is his. so why he couldnt be truthful about his where abouts. an to me since that woman disrespected me, threatened me and tried to break us up on many occassions, why would he want to be in her presence.
las yr, while i was dealing wit a family crisis, the woman brought the child by him on valentines day, an the three of them spent the evening together. how could that be right? is not a matter of growin up...that plain shit. it's a matter of respect and knowing where your boundaries lie.
well 2 yrs ago we indeed found out wat the doctor was sayin couldnt be true since i got pregnant by him. imagine, he would leave our son undone to see about the child that may not be his. (the woman was in a relationship wit another man wen the child was conceived. an she told his sister that the other man was the child's father at first. then the day they had to register the child, another man showed up). anyway, i was in school doin my degree he told me continue it an he would support financially. i didnt know he still supported the little girl financially. i hate to depend on a man for money so if i only knew dat he was doin that i would have took a yr off an take care of our son.he shouldnt have been so pretensive. he shouldnt have kept that from me. so he's helpin the little girl, ok fine..but he should have told me wat's up.
if i do get into a relationship wit another man, in no way i would go by him with our son and spend a couple of hrs there, or even go out with him spending hrs upon hrs wit him and our son. i would have respect 4 my man not to be in his presence...of course i would have to maintain a friendship wit him for the child's sake. but he put it across to me that he and the woman weren't in a relationship. she was jus his sister's friend. he said he jus cant stand her but he was jus being there for the child.
an in no way i would find myself tellin the child that he's not her father. it is not my place. of course i study how she will feel. that's why i asked. i wanted yo know if he should continue being in her life cause she's too young to understand wat is goin on. am very well mature and compassionate toward people. i have nothing against the child. it just her mother i cant stand and the things that my bf put me through. after fallin in love wit some1 an puttin ur trust in them, its hard to know that they would lie to you an hurt u the way he hurt me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): So what you are saying is that your boyfriend was with a woman who had a child with someone else. He still decided to be called Daddy, even though the baby was not biologically his. They broke up, you are with him now, and he still has contact with the kid and mom as daddy. The mom is a nut job and starts drama with you. Now y'all are considering cutting contact with the kid, telling her that he isnt her daddy, because of the moms behavior?
Ok, if I have it right, I have to ask: Who is the one that initially wanted to tell the kid? Was it him? Does he not want to be daddy anymore? It sound to me like it was you. Like you didnt want to deal with the moms crap, so you want him to cut contact. Understandably, you dont want to deal with this lady, but if you are pushing the issue than you are wrong. He chose to be daddy, and you chose to be with him as daddy. Daddy is not conditional, especially conditional on the bull between new girl and ex girl. get over it. he needs to be a man and call the ex on her immature behavior toward you.
If he has had enough of the mom, than his deal is with mom. Nowhere in this did that little girl do anything to him! Tell everyone to grow up and hash this out like adults for the sake of that kid! As a parent, with a similar situation, I would be disgusted by this behavior!
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reader, raiders +, writes (21 April 2010):
Has it been proven that this man is not the biological
father? Does the father feel he does not want to be part of this child's life? You don't have to be a biological father to be a daddy and if they have that connection who are you to interrupt this bond between them.
Four years old is too young, she is a preschooler how can someone be so cold and want to reveal to a young child that the person she love, and sees as a father might not be her daddy.
The problems between the mother and the new girlfriend should be handle differently. The four year old child has nothing to with this dispute, and should be kept out of the fight.
Only the mother and the father have this right on deciding when to tell this child anything. And before anything is said there should be a paternity test done to confirm that this child is not his.
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