A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been fighting a lot. I fell in love with another woman, and was going to leave my wife for her. Then my wife told me she was pregnant. She asked me point blank, "do you want to have this baby with me?" Since I KNOW that I F'd up, I want to take responsibility for my irresponsible actions and be here for her and for the baby. So, I told her, "yes, I do." In reality, I don't want to have this baby with her. She is too controlling and mean, and I don't think I love her anymore. I already know all of the abusive things you can say to me about being a jerk and selfish and stupid. Fine, I know.What I really need to know is: should I tell her the truth, or stick it out for this baby and see what happens? The truth will devastate her, of course, and I should just man up to my responsibilities.Any constructive, non-abusive advice is appreciated. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): I'm the original poster of this question.
A little background: she has been emotionally abusive and controlling for years. We have been in couples therapy for 2 years. I have tried very hard to meet her needs for this marriage, but I am still wounded by all that has happened between us - i.e. the meanness, accusations, etc. Through it all, I have always been faithful, never cheated. I fell for a good friend whom I have known for a decade, unexpectedly and unintentionally. Nothing has happened between us, but I am in love with her, and am exhausted from the marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): you married her once because you loved her, you still do but you just don't see it anymore, you need counseling. I suggest going to couples counseling or to therapy by yourself. Don't leave your wife though, because any woman who sleeps with a married man is a whore. If she slept with you, she can sleep with another man when you two are together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Find a "Marriage to remember" weekend conference and try to salvage your marriage! Love and Respect (along with communication) are the keys to making a marriage work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Is your wife mean and controlling because you put your energy into another relationship?
Have you tried counseling?
Is your wife mean and controlling because you lie to her all the time?
You lied to her about the baby, and you have been lying to her about the other woman probably. So, what happens in a relationship when you tell the truth and "work on the relationship".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): My husband left me for another woman when I was pregnant. I would have wanted him to stay to help me through the birth and to see how things maybe panned out after the child was born but although I am ashamed to say that I begged him to stay with me he wouldn't. He kept telling me that he didm't love me and it felt wrong etc etc. My son is 15 now and although his father sees him maybe once a month or so there is absolutely no closeness. We actually don't even think that he exists apart from when we get an odd text or something. Just be careful that you don't regret going - if you do decide to go, at a later stage.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 October 2010):
 First off, a baby is no reason to have or stay in a relationship. With that said, let's put the baby aside for right now. You need to focus on your marriage first and foremost. Next thing you need to put aside is this other woman you've "fallen in love with". How long have you been married to your wife? Is the fact that she is controlling and mean new? Or has she been like this for a long time? Has the fact that you've fallen in love with this other woman effected your marriage? And don't say your wife doesn't know because your spouse can always tell if things change in a relationship. You loving this new woman has to change the way you act to your wife. And the fact that she flat out asked you if you want to have this baby with her is proof that things aren't great in your marriage.
If you are going to end your marriage, do it because you cannot make it work with her. Don't end it because you fell in love with someone else because obviously you were in love with your wife once and that didn't work out. You don't know how long this new one would last and your current wife is having your child.
With that being said, don't just stay for the child. If you've already made up your mind you don't want to be with your wife, then that is no environment to raise a child.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
 How long have you and your wife been married? And you haven't cheated?
Well, I'll say to stay together for the child is the biggest mistake parents make. This child would be born into a loveless marriage, and not even being wanted by you. Not the child's fault. Now, I'm wondering if your wife knew about this other woman and was purposely trying to get pregnant to trap you. Then shame on her. Anyways, you need to tell her you don't love her anymore and want a divorce. Then you'll have to pay child support, and then that's your way of contributing to the child's life. But please, please don't stay with her just because of this baby and your irresponsible actions. If you do then it will be much harder to get out of your marriage later, and a nastier divorce which your child will be subject to. The reason I say this is because the older the child is, the more the divorce affects them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You should tell her the truth. But, if she is asking whether you want her to have an abortion well then you shouldn't answer that. But, tell her that you are not in love with her anymore and if she decides to have the baby that you will be there for the baby. just because two people share a child does not mean that they have to be with each other. It will be bad for a child to grow up in a loveless marriage. Tell her how you feel, and even how you are not ready to have a baby, but if you are going to have one that you want to be there for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): I think you should tell her the truth, even if it will hurt her. The truth is always a lot better to know. Even though you don't love her you can still be there for your kid. Even if you don't love her you still need to take care of your responsibilities. But you don't have to suffer in the process.
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