A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, wanting some relationship/life advice please!I split up from a long term relationship back in June this year. I lived with him for 3 years, we were together about 3.5 years and it ended badly with no closure. I was very much in love with him.I ended up moving out, picking up the pieces and starting again. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do- but looking back now I am thankful everyday it happened with how much happier i’m much fitter, slimmer, better in mindset and a lot more sociable. Sometimes, I still miss the guy. But I know deep down it was for the best.I went into a houseshare where luckily I’ve been blessed with wonderful people and we’ve become such good friends. One of my friends friend moved in with us about 5 months into me being there and immediately I really liked him. We ended up getting together quite quickly (I know a lot will have mixed opinions about this as we’re housemates!) and it’s been pretty good overall. Our thing we have fits well into our schedules living together because we’re both so ridiculously busy.. We are both very career focused and it works for us. We have fun and we care about each other- we have great sex, great conversation and right now it’s good.However, I’ve been having doubts about pursuing anything further with him. He’s just turned 30 and he has a very unstructured lifestyle and he seems v happy to just chill with me and not take me out or do anything outside of our house. With us living together it concerns me that he has become comfortable so quick. He seems to be more into me than I am with him but his way of living just isn’t like mine. In comparison, I’m very organised, like planning to feel secure and to be honest, I went from living with my partner being a ‘housewife’ (which is why we broke up) to living actually for myself for once and I’m still trying to ease into having fun and getting out of my comfort zone so where I’m used to being very structured, part of me does like his way of doing things and not having to constantly think of the future. He also does drugs and as someone who has never done this before it just feels really alien to me and I can’t help but feel like it creates a wedge between us. It’s not that I judge him or have anything against drugs at all, I’ve just not been in a situation where really I’ve wanted to- I’m trying my best to be open and go with it but part of me feels a bit uneasy and it’s a bit tiring. I went on a few dates with other people before we got together and all I could think about was him. Which made me realise how much I liked him. But if I think about breaking things off, I’m sure I could be ok or at least block it out. I don’t know if this is because my past relationship taught me to be a little numb to stop me getting hurt.Should I pursue this and maybe talk to him about a few concerns? Or does it sound like I should cool things off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): Drugs and lack of ambition. That's a recipe for failure and disaster.
He's a lazy-bum and a slacker. He's probably attractive to the eye; so he gets a pass. You're conveniently-placed to be his f-buddy and friend with benefits. You like him because he's also conveniently-placed; and you don't have to get-out there in the real-world, having to search and find a guy the hard-way.
You're friends with benefits, only because it's lazy and easy. He's physically lazy, and you're emotionally-lazy.
End the sex, and set some proper boundaries.
Stay-away from drugs, and people who are too much into them. If it's not your thing; consider it a red-flag/deal-breaker; and a conflict in personal-values, or social habits. You don't have to judge him, but you don't have to condone the behavior either. Just because you like having sex with him.
If you can list 10 solid irrefutable incontestable reasons to pursue it, pursue it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2018):
 I think you already know the answer here OP.
He is your rebound. Your way of truly getting over your ex.
He is older than you, unorganized, does drugs, doesn't really "date" you (as in take you out) so in a sense he is treating you as a "build-in FWB" - in the sense that he only spends time with you at the flat or in bed.... A build-in FWB not a "real" relationship. You are conveniently providing company and sex on "demand", he doesn't have to really invest emotionally or WORK for the relationship. (and neither do you... not really)
I mean, you can talk to him. But if you think HE would really change - like stop doing drugs or be more goal oriented or start to treat you like a GF, not a live in FWB... then I think you are being unrealistic. Because he is not going to change.
Maybe what attracted you to him was that he SEEMED totally different that you ex. The novelty is wearing off. Again, I think because he is a rebound.
So I think you need to be honest with yourself and decide if this is really the kind of relationship you want OR not and act accordingly.
Consider this, do you really see yourself with this guy down the line? I don't think you do.
(and OP.... I don't think there is anything wrong in "judging" him for doing drugs.. it's a pretty dumbass thing to do!) Him doing drugs can get the WHOLE house share into trouble, if he is caught. Or IF you are out and about with him and he gets caught. Is he really worth that?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Stop. No, seriously. Drugs are a bad idea. He’s also a few years older, which makes a difference at your age. Please, I know you don’t want to hear it, but you can’t change him and you will have to give up at some point. Don’t wait until your feelings are really strong.
You could find a nice, non-drug taking, affectionate and respectful guy who doesn’t already live with you. Just give it time. Get over this guy, THEN go dating. You won’t give anyone else a chance if you’re still hung up on someone else.
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