A
female
age
36-40,
*lsieMay
writes:Hey Cupids :) I've been single for 2 years. A few months ago, I started talking to a guy who I first met 3 years ago. He's now single, but is still very affected by his break-up (from 5/6 months ago-I think they were together a couple of years. His ex has kids and he grew quite attached to them). The problem I have is, since we started talking again and getting to know each other well, we've become quite close and, in some cases intimate (minus the sex). I understand that he needs time to heal and I've told him that I want to wait for him. He has also said that he also feels that there is a connection between us and he would like a relationship at some point, but can't say when. I'm in a bit of a catch-22 situation. Do I let him go let him heal and hope he comes back to me or do I wait for him to 'feel better'? He has a history of mental health issues, which are adding to this (and also something I try to support him with). There are times I feel like the space I give him , as in not seeing each other for nearly a week but messaging every now and then to check in) is allowing him to heal , but without me. I feel like I'm losing him, but also know that he needs time. What do I do, I think I've fallen for him hard and I'm not sure if I should wait.
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female
reader, ElsieMay +, writes (18 November 2018):
ElsieMay is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you both for your advice. I do agree when you say I might be his unintentional rebound (even though he told me that he didn't want me to be.) He said he feels bad and guilty about this, maybe this is another reason for the distance between us now? He said he needed time and space, which I'm giving him, and when I asked if it's me he said it wasn't. It was no-one else but him. We've always had a connection and I believe it'll always be there, but he's not in the right place to commit at the moment.
In terms of his ex, he's more over her but I think he still misses her kids. Although they have a father, who they see regularly, he still played an active part in their lives, so there are times he feels their absence more so than his ex (they didn't get along for a while).
The fact that I've helped him through his darkest days has brought us together. As well as the time we spent together, hanging out, meeting each others friends and going out. We've laughed together, cried together and confided in each other. There are things that he has confided in me that he hasn't even told his best friend or family, so I believe our connection to be genuine. I've fallen for his compassionate, kind self, the vulnerable, funny, cheeky and fun personality. The last few months have been intense, and I've learned more about him now than in the 3 years I've known him.
In terms of mental health issues, my compassion is genuine. I'm certainly not trying to "impress" him with my empathy. I also have my own mental health issues (as many do), so I know that it's not something you just get better from . For anyone to think that someone with these issues can snap out of it or "get over it" is quite ignorant and dismissive. There's no pill or potion that's going to suddenly take it away, so what helps is having someone understanding to talk to. So we talk to each other. We can relate to each other.
The hard part is knowing when to walk away, which is something I'm just going to think about.
Thank you for your advice. :)
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Honeypie said what I was thinking. I disagree with the other poster's opinion on never letting people in your life if they have mental health issues, though. Yes, mental illnesses are very serious, but should people with them just be alone until they've "proven they're over them"? No. You're never permanently rid of them. That said, blind support is foolish and unhelpful because boundaries are necessary and both of you need to actively get help for any health issues that crop up in your lives - mental or physical.
The maximum time I'd advise waiting for steady improvement is 3 months - not to start dating then, but to see if he's seeing a therapist regularly for his mental health issues and is more over his ex than now. If those things happen by 3 months, give it another 3 months before dating, to make sure it continues improving and he sticks to therapy.
If he doesn't go to therapy, doesn't stick with therapy or isn't over his ex in 6 months, I think it's time to let go of the potential relationship and accept that it's not who he'll be any time soon. Don't tell him that's what you need him to do before you'll date him; he needs to want to help himself and be able to assess his own situation, figuring out what he needs to improve his mental health and part of that is going to therapy.
In those 3 - 6 months, don't do anything you wouldn't do with a brother because you'll get caught up as a rebound.
No dates, no kissing, no cuddling, only spend time hanging out in public, no intimacy, etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Let's say this guy takes 2 years to get over her. Would you REALLY wait 2 years? And let's say you did... he might decide he wants to start FRESH with someone who didn't see him when he was heart broken and "weak". People heal and different speeds and there is NO WAY he can tell you exactly when he will be ready or if he REALLY wants anything serious with you for real.
You have "fallen" for his "potential" and the "potential relationship" you COULD have with him - it's not reality. Because he may NEVER be THAT guy (for you).
Depending on what else is going on in your life, I think "waiting" for a guy to be ready is a waste of time.
He said he feels a bit of a connection and THAT has lead YOU to put your life (so to speak) on hold for him. Again... the POTENTIAL of a relationship.
My advice? Live your life. Maybe give yourself a little time to see IF she might decide YOU could be someone special for him, but I would put a "mental deadline" on waiting on him. Not something I'd tell HIM, but myself.
Unfortunately for you, I think you are his rebound. Maybe not intentionally, but nevertheless... a rebound. So I think you need to reel in those grand "fallen" emotions a tad. It might seem just a bit to full on and partly WHY he has pulled back.
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