A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I am 15 years old, approaching GCSE's and I'm under an onslaught of problems. My first is that I appear to be *VERY* unattractive (and not only just my apparent bad looks reinforce this). From what I've heard, seen and experienced people my age (and below) tend to develop 'crushes' on one another. However, no one has ever properly been attracted to me before. To date, there was one instance of someone having a crush on me, a couple of months ago. After about a week, they moved on. Said, quite plainly to me, that they'd lost all interest in me because they found someone else who was 'better than me in every way'. Other than that, no one has shown interest in me before, even for a day. All of my friends (who don't number many, because people don't tend to gravitate to me) have had someone like them at least once, whereas I haven't. From my past and current experiences, it doesn't seem like things will change anytime soon.This leads into my second problem. I've had feelings for my closest friend for a while now. She's the only person I've ever had feelings for. Call it young infatuation, but my feelings for her really overwhelm me. I'd take a bullet for her. It seems like she's one of the only people that cares about me, but now I'm even beginning to doubt that. At first, she was also showing all the signs that she liked me. Everyone I know told me that it was obvious and that I should tell her. After a long time reasoning with myself that perhaps I had a slither of a chance of not repeating my previous luck with love, I decided to tell her. In typical fashion of me, I was declined. She said that she didn't feel the same, but just wanted to stay friends. Of course, despite this rejection, we're still closest friends. I'd never want that to change. Although, the whole ordeal hit me hard. Even now, a long time after, I still feel depressed about it. The third problem is that I'm very confused with our situation. Now, a long time after I was rejected, we talk just as much as we did before. However, now, on some days she shows signs that she likes me. On others, it seems like she just doesn't care about me at all, even despite the fact that we've been such close friends since childhood. I can't tell what she wants with me in the future. It seems like she does genuinely feel the same as I did. Yet it also seems like she doesn't feel the same. And I'm fully aware that no means no. I respect that. I still love her as a friend, after all.My fourth and final problem is that, because of the previous three points, I'm very depressed with my life situation. I'm unattractive: I'm always lower, always lesser than someone else, I've never been favoured for more than a few days. And when I thought I was, and I liked her back, it turns out I was living an illusion. Not even my best friend liked me back. My intense feelings for her will never go realised. I can't even tell if she cares for me anymore, and she's my best friend. One of my very few friends. All of the above have made an unhealthy mix; I can't even make it through a single day without seeing what a social failure I am. I can't stop thinking about how unattractive I am and how the only person I've ever loved in that sense didn't feel the same. It's made me feel really depressed. It's been the same since I was rejected, a long time ago.Any help is extremely appreciated, and needed as well. Thank you to anyone who gives advice in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2018): I felt exactly the same way at your age and right up to the end of high school. I was an "unattractive" guy with very few friends and zero girls. 10 years later I feel pretty good about myself and most of the "popular" kids are eating my dust. Turns out looks don't matter all that much. If you're a nice, thoughtful guy (which you clearly are), then you've got 90% of other guys beat. You just need a little patience.IMO, the most attractive quality you can have is confidence. I know that can be hard to come by, especially at 15. Hopefully it helps to know that almost everyone your age feels the same.When I got to the end of highschool, I was still pretty unpopular, still had no girls, never got invited to parties, etc. Eventually I decided "to heck with it! I'll have my own party!". I got my (very few) friends to invite their friends and their friends' friends. About 10 people showed up. I'd never met most of them but it didn't matter. I met my first girlfriend that night. I'm not suggesting you should do the same (I was 18 at the time). Point is, waiting for friends/girlfriends to come to you is not the only option.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018): Awww sweetie, you're only 15 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you and you have the opportunity to make it beautiful. Try feeling that way at my age. I'm 51 soon. And I feel like I've been a failure all my life. What have I got to show for myself? Nothing. For me, it's too late. I have no future. For you, your life is only beginning. Go and live it. See what a GIFT you have!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 November 2018):
 You know, OP
We have ALL been through that awkward phase (even the people you see your age who SEEMS confident, good looking or whatnot - they STILL go though FEELING awkward during puberty).
And it IS a phase. There are SO many things your body and brain has to adjust too. Your body is still developing, your voice, your skin, your brain, your skills - be it motor skills and/or social skills.
Pin point what it is ABOUT yourself that you don't like. Are you scrawny or chubby? Then getting into working out can help fill you out a little or lose a little chub, plus... exercise is good for both mind and body. Doesn't mean you have to try and become Arnold Schwarzenegger, but something like calisthenics can really make you look and feel greater about yourself as you progress and it's not taxing on joints/muscles in the same way as weights can be. Swimming is also great and bike riding.
Is it your hair? Your face? well, the haircut you can change, the face is yours! So find the things you DO like about it, I bet you can. If you wear glasses maybe it's time to try new frames or contacts.Do you feel you dress like a dork? Talk to your mom/dad about a few wardrobe changes. And also, I suggest you talk to your mom about a skin care routine and products. It's not just for girls. Same with hygiene. Shower EVERY day, brush your teeth, put on CLEAN clothes.
Little things, such as keeping your room clean, making your bed EVERY day are just little things that can help you start the day with something done right. Just ask any Marine/Soldier (young or old). There is a reason soldiers are taught this basic skill. Because it's one of the FIRST "tasks" you have in the morning. It may not sound like a lot and it really isn't considering it takes less than a minute to do. But it helps you start out your day with some order and sense of a minor accomplishment. My teenage daughters have done this since they were old enough to do it themselves. Even on weekends when they sleep in and maybe do nothing but lounge around the house... they STILL make their beds.
Consider joining a club or group with something you want to try. Expand your social circle a little bit outside of school. At your age your school mates becomes this very locked in social environment that isn't always helpful for developing social skills. It can be dance class, hiking group, theater, photography, sport, chess, whatever.
As for you not so great luck with girls, again... nothing new under the sun. The thing is, it might be more than your looks that makes girls NOT chase after you. IF you are as self-hating and surly as you sound (sorry OP) that is really not attractive. And some guys just DO NOT attract ALL the girls. Just like SOME girls don't attract ALL the boys. We CAN'T all be popular! But you CAN be the best you, you can be.
The ting about friendships with the opposite sex is that it's ACTUALLY BEST when you keep it platonic. It can last for a long long time is romance is kept out.
I think you sorta feel for her because she is one of the few girls you are yourself around. trust me you will meet more girls in life than just those at your school, there REALLY is no hurry.
And rejection, WE ALL get rejected in life - EVERY SINGLE person. You may not think that but that IS reality. You have to learn to handle rejection, OP. It's NOT because you aren't GOOD enough, that you get rejected. It might be because they never thought of you that way (like your female friend) or because they themselves are IMMATURE too! (just like you)!
You are letting rejection make you bitter and bitter people are rarely approachable or attractive.
So don't be bitter. Accept that you might have liked a girl, but SHE didn't feel the same. IT HAPPENS! In time you will probably meet girls YOUR are not interested in as well. NOT everyone is going to be YOUR cup of tea and YOU are not going to be everyone's cup of tea either. Even the "popular" kids have to deal with that.
As for crushes... Many people who develop a crush NEVER tell the person they are crushing on. Not just for fear of rejection, but because they know they other person don't feel the same.
If you HATE yourself so much, HOW do you expect others to love you? You need to find things about yourself that you love and work on those you don't or learn to accept them as being part of you.
We can't all be a 10! But I have known more 6's who have personalities worth a 12!
Be more positive. It attracts people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): Relax! In a few years you will look back and see most of the 'cool' kids in school have grown into really unattractive adults and probably haven't got much going for themselves while the ugly geeky ones have put their heads down, worked hard, got good jobs and are far more attractive than you would have ever expected. Everybody has body/social confidence issues when they're your age. Just enjoy school, hang out with the friends that make you happy, and study hard and you'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): 'Wise Owl' the OP is male!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): Sorry for the typo!
Correction:
"You're growing boobs, your hips are curving; and when you look in a mirror, you see nature at work. Scary!!!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): You're only 15! Hormones and growth-spurts keep your mind and body in total chaos! Don't forget, your friend is the same age; and going through her own stuff.
Nobody knows what to think or feel at only 15! You've just hit puberty, your face is changing from a little girl into a teenager! You're a transformer in the midst of transforming! You're shape-shifting from a kid to a mini-adult! That's awkward and looks a little odd; if you stare at it too long! Most of the time, it looks pretty good; but not to the person going through it. It's something about looking through teenage eyes that turns everything weird-looking! Mirrors are mean to teens; and make them look worse than they really look! Science has to come-up with an explanation for that; I thinks it's called growth and development, until they find something better.
Your arms and legs don't seem proportionate to your body. You're growing boobs, your hips are curbing; and when you look in a mirror, you see nature at work. Scary!!!
You're comparing yourself to other girls, who are growing at different rates, have different genes, and probably like themselves better than you like yourself! Try liking yourself, it feels pretty good. I do it, and it feels nice. I try not to over-do it, that's conceited! You have to do it in healthy doses, it's building "self-esteem."
Nobody gives you self-esteem. It's self-made, and you start it off by being grateful you don't have a crippling disease, or missing limbs, or some serious mental-disability or deficiency. Being thankful for things makes life better than hating everything, everyone, and yourself. Being nice to your siblings. If you can see, hear, speak, and get around without help, that's really a good thing! Considering some people can't, but still turn-out to be happy, loving, and loved.
You're at the most awkward stage of life, and everybody your age is going through it at the same time. You have your complaints, and everybody else has their own set of pubescent confusions and disappointments. Sorry, you don't corner the market on confused and depressed; we grups go through it too. Grups is a Star Trekkian abbreviation for grown-ups. We have to turn our minds to think about good things sometimes, and not just dwell on the bad. If you stare at one thing without blinking, or looking somewhere else, all you'll see is "one thing!" If you only look for bad, that's all you'll see!
Rejection. Get used to it. You won't always get who you want, or what you want. Sometimes the answer is no!
You shouldn't have to take a bullet for anyone; and if they wouldn't return the favor, change your mindset about what kind of risks you'd take for people who wouldn't do the same for you. That sucks, I know; but that's life!
You're stressed-out, and suffered a blow to your self-esteem. Welcome to growing-up! Everyone on the planet won't be movie stars, beauty queens, rich, or super models. Some people will be plain. That's still lovely and someone to be loved! How dare you be so prejudiced against being average; when most people are....only average!!!
If you don't like yourself, it's contagious. It spreads to other people; because people who don't like themselves or how they look, have this off-putting attitude. So it's hard to be close to them; or to try to like them. When you try, they either cling; or push you away. It's difficult to figure them out. It's mostly their fault, if only they'd chill-out!
You mentions what "everybody" says regarding your relationship with your best friend. Who are "everybody" that what they say is so important about your personal-business? I thought you had only a few friends? "Everybody" could be a big majority, the neighborhood, a crowd, or consensus! "Everybody" has an opinion; they seem pretty concerned about you. If everybody is a total of two, that's enough!
I think you need to take an extra-strength chill-pill; and chill-out to wait and see what nature is up to. You're too young to know what your looks are going to turn-out to be; because you're too busy growing and changing.
You're at the perfect age to be experimenting with your hair, light make-up, and fashion. Exploring new looks! Eating right, so your body is healthy; and gets all the proper nutrients to grow. Studying so you'll pass your exams! Instead of tripping-out and losing it;, when everybody over 15 has been 15 before. It's not new or unique. It's happened to people billions of times! If you've seen any body over they age of 15, they lived through it! So will you! You're supposed to smile when you read that!
You're only 15! Been there and done that! You didn't tell me anything I've never seen, felt, or heard before.
If you feel you're so depressed you can't shake it, you have to tell your parents. We can't see you; or take you to a doctor. They can. If you need encouragement, you also need it from the people who gave you life. If you leave them out; they can't give you the love and affection you need when you're going through "15!" They've been there and done that too, and they weren't born full-grown.
Will I have to expect another post telling me what horrid people your parents are? You're 15, I'm not sure of how much of it I will be able to believe. People that age don't usually like parents. They're the enemy of the people! They don't understand anything, have too many problems, and were never 15!
Love and trust them a little! Give them a chance to help you, like you came here. That's what parents are for.
You'll feel very much alone when you try to live life without them; because you'd rather "reject" them; and seek advice from strangers who don't know you. Over the two people who live with you (at least one of them); and can help you even more than we can! And do it with love!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 November 2018):
 Oh, OP :( Being a teenager is hard. Please try to take in the advice you get, even though you won't want to.
- Crushes when you're young only last a week or a couple of months, unless they become obsessive and last almost a year or more. It's not a sign of how attractive you are; you're all still immature, so your brains don't think about "good partners" when they get crushes (hence crushes on teachers, older people, etc.)
- You aren't unattractive, yet most teens are insecure about their looks. It's normal and okay, but don't let it rule your feelings
- Don't let people walk over you. If someone blows hot and cold, don't waste your energy on them because you'll get hurt. Also, as soon as you develop feelings for a friend, they're not just a friend any more, so please don't consider her friendship as high value in terms of how interesting or attractive you are.
- I didn't have my first relationship until I was 19 and I was my boyfriend's first relationship; he was 20. Most people only have pointless "relationships", if any, when they are teenagers because you aren't developed mentally enough for proper relationships. Most people who do all of this "dating" in school find their grades aren't so great and they grow up focusing on things that won't matter in a few years - don't fall into that hormonal trap :)
You're all only "babies" in terms of life experiences. Your past experiences (and current ones) are childhood. Until you're an adult, it's genuinely all meaningless - I promise. It hurts now, but it's the inexperience of all teens that makes you so unhappy and insecure - not because you're somehow unattractive.
You know who gets dates? I mean PROPER dates? People who work hard, have a job, usually can drive (learning once it's legal!), don't go out partying wildly, have good manners, are friendly and approachable, have interesting hobbies or knowledge and take care of themselves - not just looking smart, but being mentally mature, often with support from a therapist or friends/family.
You will get there, but no teen gets there yet. Dating as a teenager is a lot of unnecessary heartache, gossip, childish mistakes, risky behaviour and going from "liked to disliked to liked" constantly.
I promise it gets better, just be patient. Work on yourself, learn cool things, find a hobby or two (even if you learn them from home to start with), read interesting books, try hard in school, etc. Set yourself up for a strong adulthood and that's when the dating starts to matter. When teenagers focus too much on their looks, they miss out on the more important things in life, like independence and being a good person. Some of them realise rather late on that those things will actually lead to decent relationships, not this petty teen stuff :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): My heart goes out to you. You sound so sad. If only you could realise that just about everyone on this planet either feels, or has felt as you do now.
We ALL suffer thinking that others are better than us, more attractive, that other people are better liked and more popular. If you asked everyone in your school to write down honestly how they feel, I bet you that the vast majority would say something similar to what you have written in your post.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that everyone else has got it together, that they're all having loads of fun, that they are happy and have no confidence worries. Just about everybody feels as you do.
I have been in social situations too numerous to mention because I'm a lot older than you and I dance. I love to dance and I am pretty good at it even though I say so myself, but I suffer a crisis of confidence most nights when I go out, thinking that other women are more attractive than me, better at socialising, more fun to be around etc etc.
Then, guess what? I have ended up talking to some of these people and they all say the same type of things... 'Oh I just really messed up dancing with that guy, he's gonna think I'm rubbish'..... 'I wish I could dance like that person over there'...…..'What a great figure she has, I wish I was slim' etc etc etc.
I'm trying to get you to see that you are not alone. Not by any stretch of the imagination. A lot of people think that they're not good enough and that everyone else is doing better than them. It's an ongoing situation throughout life.
I had NO attention when I was at school. NONE. Didn't happen for me until I went to college. But I had fun anyway. Please don't let other people telling you things like someone else was better than you in every way, determine how you feel about yourself. She has her own reasons for being so petty, she probably thought that you weren't interested in her and so it was her way of saving face.
From your post you sound lovely. You certainly sound very intelligent. You write better than most of the adults on this site. Also I think that most of your bad feeling is coming from being rejected by your friend. But listen...you weren't rejected. She still sees you as her very long term friend. She loves you (as a friend), obviously enjoys the time that you spend together and values you. I know you want something else from her, but in time, friendship is longer lasting and more honest than relationships usually are at your stage in life. You will be in each other's company for as long as you want to be, if you're friends. You will fall for someone else in time. And I think that you're selling yourself short. You sound great. Exactly the same as everyone else in this world. Unsure, unconfident and looking for love. Welcome to the club!
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