A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I am a single father of 3 teen age children, 1 daughter (16) and 2 sons (17) and (19). My daughter has been dating a boy from her school since late january. He seems like a nice enough of a guy but my sons call him a "player". A few nigths ago I came home a found them in a compromising position (they were watching a movie in our basement and it looked like he may have had his hands down her pants), I did try talking to her that night (I didn't ask details - believe me I dont want to know) but I did try and give her a safe sex talk. It was beyond weird for the both of us. She didnt say anything but I have a feeling even if she did want birth control she wouldnt want me to know. I dont have a sister and her mom is not in the picture so I have no close female friend that could talk to her about this.Should I just take it upon myself and take her to a clinic and get her birth control or do I leave that up to her. I know there is many different methods out there so do I actually go to the appointment with her or do I drop her off? wil the doctor explain each method with her? and as for the "player" thing should I even ask why my sons think that or do I just let it be.thanks .a concerned dad Reply to this Question
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Whats so embarrassing about if she sold enough and mature enough to have sex then she should be able to handle a speech my mother told me all about this stuff back when i learned the difference between boys and girls, the problem now parents wait so long to teach their children one of the most basic and important topics in life SEX, by 16 its really to late for first time conversations on this.
What ever you caught your daughter doing shes probably been doing for awhile. Any way kids are smarter these days they have way more access to sex education material even there peers are generally smarter regarding the topic AIDs has been a house hold term for nearly 20 yrs in the west. My point is your conversation with her wont be as bad as you or she may think.
Shes your child you care about her and you are ultimately responsible for her well being JUst go in there and tell her what she needs to kno to be safe dont act all nervous and just talk to her it wont be so wierd after al and if you play your cards right she will be much more open to you in the future. Good luck
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 oh im sorry, i did not read it right, pardon me sir. Yes i would say, i think you can not talk to her about this matters easily. its gonna be a bit complicated then,but i think if you do it in a right time and in a friendly gesture maybe you can also talk to her about this or i think its ok if you bring her to some trusty or close women friend of yours to talk about this or bring her to doctor, in this age, she really need some support. This is the start of her growing so i think you really need to let her know something which is really important. again pardon me sir.., i wish you goodluck anyway.
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich +, writes (9 March 2010):
Yes' it is the good thing that you the mother is the one who will talk to her in the first place. this is the part between the mother and daughter must talk about. in this case you must be open to her, she is going to need your support in this matters. dont worry she maybe going to react something but its for sure she will understand you, she know's that you are only concern about her, she knows that. just try to explain it to her in a diplomatic way. Good luck..
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 March 2010):
This was the talk my dad had with me 20 years ago:
"I am your father and I gain nothing by telling you this. I was also a boy so I know how young boys think today; nothing has changed. Boys at this age of your boyfriend are driven by their hormones. They can't help seeking out sex and they will say anything to get it. They will tell you they love you, they will plead and they will even cry to show you their devotion. But all they want is to fufil a sexual need. I'm sorry to say I was one of those guys who said anything to get what I wanted from a lot of innocent girls. So I want to give you the skills to deal with guys in your age group. Once you give in to sex their interest in you usually begins to decline. They may sleep with you a few more times over a few months but once you are all used up they are looking for a new girl to sleep with. So abstain from sex if you want to maintain a guy's interest. When you are the right age you will meet the right guy who will marry you and you will have all the sex you want with a man committed to you. Don't allow him to use you and to build his ego on your back. Don't give him something to boast about to his friends because trust me, all his guy friends will know even details about your anatomy. However, if you think my advice is oldfashioned and you would rather go through the pain of being used then ditched then you are going to the New Start Centre to get advice on contraception because if you get pregnant at your age you will ruin your life. They will also give you information on STDs."
He ofcourse said a lot of other stuff I can't recall off the cuff... He then sent me to the centre for one of those 2 hour courses for teenagers (free in my country) where we were given all the advice we needed on contraception, safe sex etc. Yeah he sounds like a psycho but I did hear him and managed to wait until I was engaged to be married. Him telling me what a user he was had the biggest effect on me and I never saw any teenage boy in the same light again. I think as a parent you have to somehow overcome your personal embarassment to talk to her. It gets easier because you can't have this talk just once. More like once every few months. If you also get her to a women's clinic or something it will help her get the Pill AND condoms as she should learn to rely on herself and not the guy for protection. She probably will not be willing to talk to a GP who has known her since childhood about such an embarassing topic so google the local women's clinic or call your local planned parenthood helplines for more information on how to help her. Weldone for realizing that its better to equip your daughter will the right tools than bury your head in the sand. The ones who have the most information are usually the ones who delay gratification. All the best.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Oh man, I can so feel your pain. My daughters are 16 and 14 and I'm having real fun with them these days (NOT!).
The two ladies who replied are, of course, right. It's hoping for a miracle to expect an interactive conversation with her (on pretty much anything, let alone sex.) Sadly that doesn't let you off the hook.
Two suggestions. First, make an appointment for her with her GP, and let the doc know in advance that you would like him/her to discuss with your daughter the full range of birth control options. Make sure that she gets to the docs office for the appointment, but make yourself scarce as soon as she walks in the door. You need to know that she's getting thorough, *accurate* information, so that she can make an informed decision.
Second, if you haven't already made this clear, write her a letter telling her your views about sex, in particular when it's a good idea and when it's not. It seems to me to be important that kids know where their parents stand, and to let them know how we would react if they found themselves e.g. pregnant.
Good luck. I admire your efforts -- I'm finding it plenty tough with a wife to share the burden.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): you should sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be responsible and safe. that you would prefer that a woman do the job but that it has fallen your lot. tell her that you will take her and drop her off, explain it all. im sure she knows and is very possible on birth control already. it will be uncomfortable for you both but it has to be done. even if she doesnt say a word. the only other option i can think of is a teacher or any other respected woman that you could ask to talk to her? if not the you HAVE to do as vintage says and put on the mom hat. hang in there honey, you can do it. mal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I think, you are going to put both you mum and dad hats on.
Your mum hat is you are going to have to get past the weird feelings of talking to your daughter, you are all she has got. Ask her if she wants to go to the clinic, if she does then make the appointment for her. I would take her and go inside but not into the room with the doctor. If she is not ready yet, tell her to come to you when the time is right for her. I think once she knows she can come to you it will be fine.
You dad hat, is to make sure the 'player' knows, not to mess with your daughter. My dad was over 6' with loudest voice you ever heard, it's a wonder I ever got married!
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male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 You have let her know your concerned and given her the talk, and assuming she is an intelligent girl then there should be no need for you to take her.
Try and pick up some information leflets for her on safe sex and leave them with her, let her know your open if she needs to talk at any time and leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): You are a great parent to your daughter!
I just asked a colleague(an expert in human sexuality, and this is what she suggested:
You should try to find some reliable info sources for your daughter, in case she doesn't feel comfortable asking you specific questions. I would suggest:
http://www.sexualityandu.ca
or the planned parenthood sites such as: http://www.ppottawa.ca/
You should also have a brief conversation with your daughter and suggest that she speak with a doctor about birth control. You can tell her that it may not be for right now, but that she needs to be prepared for when the time comes. She could have condoms tucked away or a prescription waiting at the pharmacy. You could make an appointment with her family doctor (if you have one) or at a specific sexuality clinic (there are often great resources there too). A female doctor would be preferable. The idea is to get her ready to take responsibility for her own sexual well-being, therefore you can take the first step and make an appointment, but you should let her go in by herself. When you make the appointment ask them to make a brief note about the reason for the appointment, so that the doctor can bring the subject up if your daughter is too uncomfortable. Do not ask her specific questions after - just make it clear that you are there if she has questions, even if you both get a little weirded out (try to be light about it, teach your daughter that its ok to laugh and talk about sexuality...even when its a bit tough).
I hope that helps!
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