A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at my wit's end. Last night, my husband got angry with me for asking him a question. I asked if it would be OK if my friend's husband drives me over to her house on Thursday. She is at home with her baby, so she can't really do it herself. He said, "Of course it isn't OK. Why would you even ask? You know how I feel about that." I said nothing and tried to just ignore the situation. Today I called my friend and explained the problem and she was really surprised. It made me see (even more) how utterly ridiculous he is. I tried to talk with him about it and he was offended, I guess. I asked him why he can't tolerate such every day things, like me riding in a car with a man. He said, "Well, everyone has different things they just can't tolerate. Like you with violence. [Our friend] said you overreacted in Istanbul when I pushed you. You obviously have no tolerance for violence." I was speechless. I told him to please not bring that night up because I don't want to relive it. He insisted, saying that he didn't think I should have refused to speak to him for days and that I shouldn't have considered leaving. I told him that if he felt that way, I obviously made the wrong decision by staying. I said that he must not remember choking me or making me fear for my life. He must not feel as sorry as I do about what happened, and no woman should ever have to tolerate violence. He continued to say that it wasn't so bad, that he was just trying to protect me from the mean streets of Istanbul and trying to get me to listen. He said that if I really wanted to hit him, it would be ok with him because he can handle it. I said that of course he can, I'm 2/3 his size. He said that I could always use an object if I really wanted to hurt him, that violence isn't such a big deal. He said that Turks are more accustomed to this (which is true, domestic violence rates are high). I honestly can't believe that he's trying to justify what he did and I feel like I can't help him. I feel miserable that he has such a mentality. I don't know what to do. I am tired of fighting about jealousy and I can't listen to him justifying what he did to me.Note: I'm from a Western country, he's Turkish.
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friend's husband, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 WOW theres a reason women flee those countries if they can, i hope you have your passport handy and dont have kids, hopefully your from the americas or western Europe so you can get far away from this guy. You need to leave this guy before he KILLS! you and he will, violate one of his little laws make him angry enough and your done,
Start planning to leave dont let him find out i suggest having more then one emergency escape bag ready, money passport id escape route and a back up plan.
if your thinking he will change he wont,
ask your self these questions
Do you often fear for your life,
have you been physically abused
have you been threatened with abuse
Have you been denied at any time your basic human rights
If you answered yes to any of these its time to go but dont take my word for it just hang around there till this guy kills you if you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I can alomst see this conversation. You guys are so completely different from each other that you are taking what the other says literally.
You are clueless about cultural nuances and he's trying to explain them as a personal choices.
If you understand him so little, why are you with him? It seems like you don't have a problem with what he did.. but more with his reaction to it.
Why can't you take a cab to the friend's house? Or why can't your husband drive you or whatever? Why is it an issue? Seems like you want to talk to people like you because you feel a little out of your depth :) which is fine. At times like this it may help to reconnect with him so you remember why you married him in the first place and remind him too
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Your story made me very uncomfortable. I do not think that you are safe with this man. Please consider leaving! He sounds abusive. If you won't leave for you, leave for any children you may have...would you want this type of controlling partner for your daughter. You deserve better!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 March 2010):
Well as I see it you have two choices. You can either stay with this guy and live this kind of life permanently, or you end it now and leave. You don't mention whether you have kids or not, but I strongly suggest you leave this man.
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