A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and he has always displayed great loyalty, care and love for me. The feeling is mutual. We are from different graduating classes of the same college and he will be graduating a year ahead of me. Lately he has begun to seriously talk about our plans after graduation, and despite great feelings for him that I can only describe as love, I have begun to question where our relationship will go once our relationship becomes long distance (two hour drive away) this time next year. I have recently admitted to him that I fear where our relationship will end up, since long distance relationships are notoriously unsuccessful, and upon hearing this he grew very upset. He told me it was unfair of me to be unsure of our relationship's future when he himself is so committed. I rebutted by telling him I was only expressing my honest feelings, and that they were merited since we are both so young (in our very early twenties), and that next year, if we remained a couple, we would probably only see each on the weekends because of his future job and my schoolwork. It has become very clear to me that although we both feel that we are in love, we are both at different stages in our relationship. Although we still have 9 months of solid time together at school, I am currently having a difficult time enjoying it with him since this problem remains in the back of my mind.What, if anything, do I tell him when I have already told him my feelings? Whenever I bring it up he becomes upset with me, as if I am doing something wrong. Should I just take our relationship day by day, and remain quiet until the end of the school year? And, when the time comes, do I break up with him? Or try to make the long distance relationship work when it may last like that for the next 5 years or so? (I plan to attend grad school after my graduation, which will only extend our time away.) I am not sure I can take a long distance relationship for that long. Maybe he'll eventually move in with me? I need someone with a clear and objective mind to help. And my friends simply don't have the experience to help. Also, if someone can give any help as to what else my boyfriend may be feeling. That would be great.
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male
reader, kinkydude  +, writes (13 September 2008):
Hi again...i dont think a being happy on the phone or feeling incomplete when he's not around, is a sign that you're in-love. What it could mean is that you really like his friendship, and maybe you've sacraficed the possibility of having lots of friends or a better social life, to maintain this relationship with him..I don' know. But you really need to deeply analyze your feelings. What may happen, is that you loose him, and then freak out, realizing he was the one.That reaction is a little suspect too. But has happened to many, myself included.Are there other problems within the relationship? The "initmacy" department, for example? Think about things.. ultimately you know the answer to all these questions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to Kinkydude (below): I have asked myself some of those questions you have suggested. We are currently spending our first summer apart. The truth is, it is killing us both. We both seem to have need to talk to each other at least twice a day, everyday. What's more is that we probably average 5 hours of time of the phone daily. I absolutely enjoy every second I am on the phone with him, speaking or not. I feel incomplete without him around. If this insatiable need to be around him constantly without any logical reason isn't love, than I just don't know what is. On the other hand, I think you are on to something when you say I may not be as committed. Maybe I love him, but just not as much as he loves me. Assuming that I'm not as committed to this relationship as my boyfriend. Is it healthy to be in relationship where partners are at different points like this? He already knows that I feel this way, but what if I never catch up to him?
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A
male
reader, kinkydude +, writes (13 September 2008):
to be completely honest, I have the impression, that you're not really in-love.
I could be wrong. But when you're in-love you would really have the intention of trying to maintain things after the separation. You probably intend to meet other people, and see what happens. you're still young and have lots of opportunities. and you're right about long-distance relationships. rarely do they work. I have seem some successful ones, but its RARE. Perhaps your love hasn't really been tested. Is it difficult to spend time apart? Do you miss him when he's away? These are all things to ask yourself.
Your boyfriend probably thinks that you don't feel as strongly as he does, and views your ability to end what he considers an important relationship, just because of the distance. he's obviously more commited to the relationship than you are. Thats my impression...He feels that if you truly loved him there would be no doubts. Well thats my take..
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