A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupids. I have some questions to ask.1. Is it true that our parents are always right even if they offend us, we should be the ones to apologize.2. Is it okay for people who have led bad lives and still continue to do so be in the position to advice.Since I moved out of my dad's house to stay with my mum of which I paid part rent and partly furnished it, I and my mum had an agreement never to talk about him or have anything to do with his side of the family again.I was wrong. It's like my mum's life is intertwined in his side of the family(well she makes it so and noone cares about her). She always involves me and my siblings into issues from my dad's side of the family and it infuriates me. Because at my age I should be able to make my own decisions and have it respected. So we have been having fallouts recently.We recently had one of the biggest fallouts because I refused to go to a family meeting. Note: she was never married to my father. He was married to another woman with 6 children and she ruined his home and thinks she's entitled to bearing his name. Years later karma came and the same thing happened to me. A woman came not caring how we felt and I moved out too with my sister.The main point of this thread is any little thing that goes on in the house, my mum finds it's okay to discuss family issues with complete strangers. I believe there are certain issues and fights that can be resolved amongst us in the house but she prefers the comfort of strangers. I have become weary as she has told a lot of people I do not know detailed things about me and they spite me with it mockingly when the come visiting. I have many steps and my mum tells the first child of my dad everything about herself in this life.So after the fallout, he called me to to apologise to her that a mother has the biggest role to play in ones life that no matter what she did, I am wrong and she is right. This step brother of mine has more issues than life itself and feels he is in the best position to advice me. I mentioned earlier that I have a lot of steps, over 20 step brothers and sisters. He has 7 children from different women and still counting. Should he be in any position to advice me because he is older than me or thinks he is wiser? He made a statement that offended me because after explaining what my mum did that angered me, he didn't even listen to me. He's playing one side. He said my pride won't take me anywhere that he prays I do not fall into the trench my dad fell into, coming from someone who is a serial father and cheat like his father.If he continues to makes this mistakes, should I listen to his advice, am I wrong not to want advice from a victim of abuse as myself who has refused to change his ways. And I have decided not to apologise to my mum because she offended me not the other way around. They can call me proud. There are so many things she has to apologise to me for, one is not being part of my life and being a money sucking demon in my life. I would appreciate your advice. I really do not want to take his advice to apologise but do you think I am wrong?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): Maybe you could just say to your mum that she has done a lot for you in the past and you acknowledge that.
You dont sound as though you like your mum very much.
Having a large family with plenty of step brothers could work out well for you inthe end.
I would suggest you ask your doctor for some counselling to help you cope with family troubles because it should be free..and you need to blow off steam to someone who wont hold it against you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): You are at "that age", no offense. At your age, theoretically speaking, you are thriving for independence, including view points and likewise. That is okay. As you grow older,you will find that you do not need to accept the advice of siblings because you are now steering your own life and making your own story- in whatever way you so choose to. When my irresponsible brother tells me his idea for making money fast,I tend to ignore him, because for the past decade, I have made much more money than him- I should be the one giving him advice. My brother tends to have many rocky relationships with other member of our family. He has a very high degree of pride and a bad attitude at times. At the end of the day, he will always be part of our family. We argue, judge, feel betrayed etc. by our family. In a sense, that's what family is for- it shapes us and has no limits into which way it does so, and usually we learn from it because in a sense, we can't avoid it. All you can do is decide how to handle it. To expect any two family members in any family to never talk to each other again is crazy. Though sometimes it does happen, other times people are able to over come it and learn what it really means to forgive someone without needing their apology or change, but because they are there to teach you life's lessons on relationships in general. You can either be the one who compliments their life, or you can be the one who is judging them and not encouraging their own personal growth. When one person in a family grows, the rest eventually follow- though it can sometimes take up to years and actual growth to occur. One of these days, way down the road when you're old, you're going to look back and realize the position you've had throughout the course of their lives. No one is given a fully functional family. That's not what family is about. It's about being the best person you can be using your own advice,and using those methods to make your family flourish because it's contagious. This includes the one's who you feel are most screwed up in their ways. You know them better than anyone else in the world. Don't judge them, but rather learn from them, allow them to be human (most human's make very dumb choices regularly) and find ways you can be a better person in the situation rather than holding grudges, expecting such extreme things, and predicting who's view point is most accurate (we all are just as firm on our opinions as the next person. no one can say that the way another person feels or values is right or wrong.). If someone in your family is bringing you down and preventing you from your own growth, you have the right to avoid them and proceed to flourish. However, your post suggests that your upset about more than just that and at other people for things that could be a healthy learning opportunity you're passing up. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): HiIt's not always about who is right and who is wrong, it is about finding some peace in your life. The best thing you could do is get independent, focus only on your future and make yourself into the person you have always dreamed of been.In answer to question 1.No parents are not always right, but is anyone? If we fight this right wrong mentality, it can take up so much of your time and energy and frustrate you no end. Many people won't budge an inch even when they know the truth. There is nothing you can do to make these people (whoever they are) come to your way of thinking and what do you achieve at the end of it anyway? does it make you feel really any better. Learn detachment( this does not mean not speaking to anyone) it means learning to loose ego and 'needing' to be right. much easier to say' stuff it! and get on moving forward in your own life, leaving a painful past behind where it belongs. Answer to Question 2 Is it okay for people who have led bad lives and still continue to do so be in the position to advice.Yes, sometimes, they are in the best position to give advice because they have had these life experiences good or bad. they can help stop others from making the same mistakes.You sound very judgmental and in your eyes probably rightly so, however we should not judge others for what we class as living a bad life, life sometimes dishes out bad things that people can't always cope with, they make bad choices, take wrong turns, get lost or simply get on with living the best way they can. What stood out to me in your post, was about your Step brothers and sisters, calling them steps? you appear to dislike the whole notion of family. You and I are not perfect and can not judge others,your resentment can ruin your life and others, this is not why we are here. How can you change how you feel, stop needing to be right, stop judging, stop waiting for apologies, and waiting for that day that you can say i will forgive you, it's not going to happen. Get on with your life, get your independence move away and break the cycle of abuse that is turning you into a self righteous bully. So your family fxxxxx up (in your proud eyes)then recognise how to change the future generation of this family by creating love. Hurt turns to resentment and then to Hate and your frustration will never end. Just live your life, as you see fit, to your own values and build on a new foundation for the next generations, leave hatred behind it ruins so many lives (unnecessarily) Good luck, please never give up hope of changing HOW YOU FEEL.
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