A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a broken person. I know this, i know that my abusive relationships and sexual abuse as a child has had a big role to play in how i cope with things. I am quitr a strong person but it took me alot to get here. Im over protective and now i have a no bs policy to anyone i have a relationship with. The prob is that i was on my own for so long that when im in a new relationship and see a red flag i have to bring it up. Im always ready to walk and do things by myself. My partner of 5 yrs and i disagree on so much, were very different and sometimes i wonder why am i still here? Hes not bad to me but we clash alot. Im independent and set in my ways but then i think if i walk away is that just my stubborness getting in the way of a normal life? Am i just too petty? Is this how a proper relationship is suppose to be? I dont know and it scares me that ive never had a raltionship where ive felt that im safe and love the person immensely. Can i be fixed, should i stop being so uptight and be happy that im wanted or should i go it alone again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 February 2020):
 I have to agree with CodeWarrior.
YOU are the only one who can work on YOU, to BETTER yourself. You past is tragic but it doesn't HAVE to define ALL that you are. You are more than what other people did to you. SEE professional help, work through your past.
Can you be "fixed" - well that remains to be seen, only YOU can FIX you. Or rather IMPROVE on you.
Work on being a healthier version of you. Mentally. Yes, it IS possible but it WILL take a LOT of work from you, a LOT of effort on your part. And it will probably take finding the right therapist to give you to tools to move forward. DO it for YOU.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2020): You're in the 3-5 year make-it or break-it stage. The long-term relationship hasn't culminated in marriage or a family; it just lingers on, like force of habit. You tolerate him, and he tolerates you. Putting-up with people, or just being tolerated; is not the same as loving them, my dear.
There's nothing wrong with having standards and setting boundaries. You don't seem to know when you're incompatible with certain personality-types. How did you manage to stay with someone for five years? Yet, you're constantly clashing. What exactly do you mean when you say he's not bad to you? A guy doesn't have to hit you or abuse you to be bad for you; he can still be the wrong-guy, if he can't understand anything about you. If you have to draw him a blue-print, or give him a manual to teach him how to treat you; you're totally mismatched.
You've been a fighter all your life. That's probably getting in your way as well. You can't regulate and dictate another person's every breath, and every move they make. You can't have a short-fuse; or be triggered by everything that reminds you of something in the past. That's a form of PTSD; and you may be picking-up patterns in his behavior that create flashbacks. These flashbacks trigger anxiety and anger. He reminds you too much of someone who has hurt you.
Victims often choose partners much like their abusers.
If you've never received any form of mental-health therapy or professional-counseling for your history of molestation and abuse; you're just burying the pain, and suppressing your anger.
Your trauma might be resurfacing; because you don't trust men, and you think being aggressive or forceful will whip them into shape. Taking no prisoners, and storming out of relationships is running from yourself, sweetheart. You just need to find a therapist who specializes in victims of sexual-abuse. Not every therapist is one-size fits all. Some problems are unique, and require a certain type of treatment and therapy. Many quit therapy before any breakthrough is made; because of fiances, poor healthcare-coverage; or they just get tired of it, and feel it's not helping. If you're not in counseling, or never have been; now is the time for it. Maybe it's time to go back. It doesn't mean your relationship hasn't run it's course. When fighting is the only way you know how to communicate, it's toxic for both of you.
If you can't stop fighting with your boyfriend; that's a clear indication you're incompatible, and you're forcing the relationship in spite of the mismatch.
You tolerate each other, because a breakup leaves you searching for someone else; and you're terrified of the separation-anxiety. Fighting all the time means it's not working, and neither of you can find common-ground to make it work. Fighting and conflict in a relationship, and still holding onto it; when it isn't even a marriage. Is sometimes holding-on through fear and co-dependency. Not love.
If you feel something within you is broken, and needs fixing; then seek professional-help. If he triggers you constantly, he has to go. Stubbornness originates from the fear of not having control, or ignorance. It's a personality-trait that has to be regulated and corrected; or you will never have compromise, peace, or harmony. Unreasonable and inflexible people are hard to live with. How did you manage five years? Just tolerating each other?
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