Should I still remain friends with this troubled girl?

i work in a male dominated delivery office, but we do have half a dozen girls there. there is one in particular who started about 6 yrs ago. she left her husband for one of my coleagues when she joined (because her husband had become very boring and dull), and after about a year she joined the section i was working in and at first, i wasn't all that taken by her, but as time went on we became really good friends and we used to have a great laugh together. i was having problems in my relationship (which has recently ended, i wasn't getting much sex and my girlfriend was being quite nasty to me at the time, she'd had a botched op. near her virgina and she'd put on weight etc etc), and i started to become rather infatuated with this girl, and i started fantasising about her. i had the feeling she was after something more than friendship too, she'd constantly play with her hair and she'd always be throwing her head back and exposing her very attractive neck, which i understand are classic body language signals for "i'm attracted to you". i was determined not to take this further as i loved her like a sister (i'm 47 now and she's coming upto 38.), and i didn't want to ruin our friendship, i also thought messing around with a workmate's girlfriend really wasn't on. in Jan of last year just after i'd had a vasectomy, she came round for a cuppa and a chat as she did quite often, both our partners knew about this and didn't seem to have a problem with it, and we ended up snogging. for about an hour and a half i resisted making love to her, saying "we can't do this" etc and i remember her getting quite annoyed with me, and in the end i couldn't resist anymore and it resulted in us having a very passionate affair for about 6 months. i've never wanted to split her and her boyfriend up and we both agreed that we would never make a good couple. she used to say it was just a bit of fun and we were doing each other a favour, as her boyfriend was always too tired to stisfy her, and i wasn't getting any, so it felt sort of justified. i found myself falling deeply in love with her, and started to prefer her in all ways to my gilfriend, i also got wind that a few people at work were getting suspicious so i decided to end it. it was one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do, but i did it. we had about 3 months of working together left before we moved into different jobs, and she was very offish with me after i'd finished it, whereas i thought we'd be able to carry on as friends and help each other out with any emotional issues that arose from this, but she didn't want to talk about it and more or less homed in on another bloke at work, who she had told me she fancied, (she tried to have an affair with another mate of mine too, before me), and when we eventually changed jobs she blanked me completely. i was very depressed for quite a time because of this, and still she ignores me!this situation has been in place since last september and i still hate being ignored by her. i want to make friends again. i've been doing a lot of research on the internet and i realise i've had to ask myself very honestly whether i want just friendship from her or whether i just want to rekindle our sexual relationship, and it is deffinately the friendship i want to rekindle. i miss having a laugh with her so much. in doing my research on the net, (trying to find out about depression and trying to sort out my relationship with my girlfriend) i discovered a lot of things that have helped me to understand this girl a lot more than i used to. i think basically she is very insecure, and the thing i'd like to ask you is whether i've got things right now and whether she'll listen to me. she has nothing to do with any of her family (her parents split up many years ago), she doesn't like making friends, as she says they always let you down, so she has no friends, her boyfriend is her life, she was raped at the age of 15 while on holiday with her parents, she's told me that she craves attention from blokes and it seems to me, that the way she went from befriending my mate, then me and having an affair with me, then went on to my other mate indicates that she almost feels the need to have a spare boyfriend.(incidentally she also blanked both my mates after refusing to go ahead and have affairs with her). she's typically arrogant and I feel that if i try to talk to her about this, she's going to be really shallow and go into denial and shove me away again, and i'll have blown my chances of patching things up with her. what's the best way of approaching this? I was thinking of just going upto her and asking if she'd like to have another go at patching things up, (as we have before, but i mucked it up as i hadn't realised all this at the time and i'm afraid i may have made a few inappropriate suggestions which she took exception to,i only did that cos i thought at the time she was just a slut and that it was the only way to get her friendship back), and if she says yes, just taking it on a day to day basis, but i feel the need to help her and i don't think i can resist bringing up this subject. i'm sorry this is so long, and i think i may have left a few bits out, but i think most of the important things are here. it's weird that her boyfriend and i are still good mates and he hasn't questioned her at all about all this. it must be obvious that she's not talking to me. i have spoken to him briefly about it and he seems to think that she's pushed me away because we got too close. basically i want to know if insecure people like her know they are deep down and only deny it and appear arrogant on the surface. i still regard her as a little sister, she used to regard me as her big bruv and even used to call me her sanity. will she realise that having a friend like me can only be a good thing. most people don't like her much as she is quite a fiery little character, but i've seen her in a diferent light to most people and i know that she isn't as hard as she makes out and is just as vulnerable as the next person. i feel like i'm the only person in the world that's bothered to try and understand her. i reckon i know her better than her boyfriend or even herself! if her boyfriend ever left her, she'd be very alone and i think having someone like me around might make her feel a little less insecure. i think it would be hard to get across to her that i do only want a platonic friendship, that's why i'm asking you how i should approach this?

View related questions: affair, at work, depressed, insecure, moved in, on holiday, split up, the internet

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006):

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