A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been having conflicting emotions regarding my boyfriend. He is very sweet and loving. He is emotionally supportive and playful. I love him very much and I know he loves me back. The problems are that we get into fights every other day. He gets mad over small thiings, sometimes just for my asking him a question. He has never hit me but when he gets into these moods, he gives me nasty looks as if he will or he's disgusted. Usually when I ask him for help he makes me feel bad, even going so far as to say I am using him and think he's my personal bitch or work horse. It's not until I say I'll get someone else to help me that he will grudgingly concede to do so. He sometimes apologizes for his behavior. He is diagnosed with PTD from childhood trauma and is chronic depressive. He tried to commit suicide when he and his last girlfriend broke up [she's a piece of work- I've met her] and I'm afraid that if I ever try to leave him, he will do so again.He is also less sexual than I am. It makes it difficult in the bedroom, he is hard to compromise with trying new things or doing what I want b/c he likes the same things. He's not in the mood as often as me. I don't mind him watching porn when I am too tired or on my period, but I will often catch him masturbating without even asking me if I want to have sex. He says that he won't do it anymore without asking if I'm in the mood first and that reason why he was doing it was b/c he just wanted something quick to get him to sleep. I work and go to school full time so I wear scrubs a lot and he says that seeing me in them is a turn off. He told me when we first started dating that I couldn't have sex with anyone other than him, now he tells me I can have orgies so long as I just keep it to sex and don't get another boyfriend. I have done none of these things even when he says its ok.He has experimented with other guys before we met but has had several relationships with other women before me. This wouldn't be a problem except that when he told me that I couldn't have another boyfriend, he half jokingly said that the exception was his best friend. It made me wonder a little bit.He is always very tired. I am the one who is motivated most of the time and make myself get out of bed even if I don't want to. When stuff needs to get done I do it. He doesn't- not without griping, moaning, giving dirty looks and procrastinating for as long as he can. He doesn't take care of his physical or emotional health problems. He will start to work on an issue and then give up on it- making excuses or completely act like it never happened. Sometimes I feel like his mom.He hasn't done anything to go back to school and ever since his internship ended a few months ago, he has done very little to get a job- though he has a lead on one as of today.He is also intimidated by me. Whenever we bicker and he loses an argument he goes into a rage and yells at me about how I'm always right and it pisses him off and I have to be going out of my way to make him feel stupid. He says mean things to me when this happens. He gets discouraged if he sees me doing well and gives up on what he is doing or gets mad.I am aware that I am no saint. I have anxiety issues and occasional lapses in self control with my anger. I can be selfish.Whenever I start to have doubts, I begin to feel guilty. He and his family have helped me a lot with finding me a temporary place to stay when my mom got evicted. I am grateful. He shows me he cares in so many small ways. And there is this part of me that is still so idealistic and naive that it wants to see the kind of man he will be when he gets older, because he is a good person. And his hugs and kisses always leave me smiling and playful. We have a lot of interests in common that are hallmarks of our generation.Be that as it may, I am finding myself increasingly more attracted to men a bit older [by 8-10 yrs] because they carry themselves more confidently and seem to have their shit together and still are attractive and have some of the same interests.I don't know if it will be worth staying with him for the amount of time it will take to see him get there- if he ever does.But I still love him.Should I stick it out for longer or leave? I'm caught between my feelings for him and logic and the need for growth.We've been together for 4 yrs and I already feel so emotionally invested...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Everything everyone says is true- I just needed to hear it. I will take the advice about taking gluten from his diet and trying to seek medical help, but if I don't see an improvement in a few weeks or if he doesn't take me seriously and follow through with it, I will leave him because his being unhealthy is unhealthy for me and I don't have time to take care of him anymore.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 August 2012):
 This man has not got his shit together, so I say he stinks. Leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): Simple- LEAVE! No ifs, ands, or buts. It will be harder later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): You both need to talk things out and decide if this relationship is working for you, whether anything can be changed about it to make things work, or whether it would be better for both of you if you seperated.While your boyfriend being tired can be a symptom of depression, it can also be a symptom of a physical medical condition. I had over a dozen widely different symptoms that didn't seem to fit any one medical condition. All of my symptoms including pain, depression, fatigue, exhaustion, neurological problems, gastrointestinal problems, bruising, bleeding etc. were caused by celiac disease. I eliminated gluten from my diet and within weeks was doing so much better. He needs to follow through with his medical care to figure out what is going on.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 August 2012):
 If you were my sister, I'd say forget the "investment" that you think you've made.... and put LOTS of distance between you and this character...
Worried about "what he might do" if/when you dump him? That's none of your affairs.....
Good luck in your NEW life, without this angst...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 August 2012):
 First of all, I want to make one thing clear. Do not ever make a decision whether to stay with a guy because you're afraid that leaving him will cause him to kill himself. That is his decision, and nothing "causes" him to kill himself except his doing it.
Also, you know that there are good things that both of you do for each other in the course of a relationship, so do not stay with a guy because a good deed by his family makes you feel obligated or guilty. You've done good for him as well, and just because his family helped out doesn't make you indentured to the relationship forever.
You've been with them for 4 years. You're at an age when you were leaving being a teenager and transitioning to being an adult. This is naturally causing you to see the world differently, and things in him before that you were overlooking now are opening your eyes to the fact that they could derail your life.
*Never* date a "fixer-upper", meaning you don't date a guy with no desire to take care of himself, extremely moody, depressed, no ambition, and hope that he'll automatically mature simply because he's aging. On the contrary, you choose guys who will be there for you emotionally, physically, and who are also sure of themselves, have ambition, and make good partners. No one is perfect, but there are things that make it clear that he's not a good choice.
You've had 4 years with this guy. If you're having doubts now, they're not going to go away. You can't compensate for what he's not doing for himself, which is making you resentful. It's time to break up with him and take your life forward.
You're not perfect either, but you're moving forward in life. Bottom line, this guy isn't the best for you going forward.
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