A
male
age
41-50,
*ion234
writes:Hi. So, I've just come out of a relationship with the most fantastic person I have ever met. We were together for 3 months and she's beautiful, challenging, intelligent, and has made me feel amazing! She broke it off because of a lot of things going on in her life, but mainly because she 'needs to be by herself'; this is mainly due to the fact that she was with her ex for 8 years and should have got married to him 2 months ago (they split up early last year). Whilst she knows she's over him, I think she has only just been able to understand the magnitude of what she's been through, and that's why she wants to be by herself right now. I also think that part of the reason for our break up is down to her feeling scared about how she started to feel about me.But what do I do with all of that? I'd love to be her friend - hang out and have fun. But I find that really difficult as I'm in love with her. Yet I understand that if we have any chance of getting back together, then maybe that's exactly what this situation needs! Do I go through the pain of being her friend, knowing I want more, for something that may never come to fruition, or move on in the hope that I find someone as special as her? My heart doesn't want to move on, I feel she's 'the one' (I'm in my mid 30's, so know enough!).. but is it healthy to put myself through all of this for something that may never happen? Help!! Thanks all!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Man, been there... it's hard, especially when there's a wonderful woman still stuck on a major jerk. I'd suggest (as painful as it is) to sit her down and have a good long talk. Tell her how you feel, but (assuming you decide this) that you don't think that you can shift into a platonic friend mode given your feelings. Tell her that you love her, and you think she's your ideal life partner, but that you need to get some separation so that you can start to heal as well. Then go out and do the best you can to start to move on. Check in with her at some agreed to interval... say ever 90 days (4 time a year) and see where she is. Consider a quarterly date. If the spark happens between you ramp it up, if not you must be prepared to MOVE ON... If it make you feel any better, mine re-married the a-hole ex-husband (who had an affair, fired his wife from their company and stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from her. They're still married, and I hope they are truly happy (I doubt it). I met a wonderful woman and we have a wonderful life today, probably far better than I would have with the first woman.
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 She needs time. I disagree with the previous poster about her never being able to get over her ex. Once people aren't in your life for a while, you do usually "get over" them (especially if you want to). We are not all hopelessly stuck in our first long-term relationships! But, it does sound like this situation is all too recent.
She probably needs to find herself again, as cheesy as that sounds. You should be aware, she is not "herself" at the moment. She is half of a couple. All her behaviors and her sense of self was probably tightly tied to her ex and their plans. That might be why it was so easy for you to date her and love her. You just stepped into her ex's place, and got the same treatment he used to. But, its not real. She does need time, like she said. You should know, if she remains broken up with her ex, she might change while she finds herself. Its not usually easy.
It sounds to me like you have a slight sense of urgency in your desire to find someone. If you agree that this is true, then I think you should just move on.
If you are willing to wait perhaps years while this girl disentangles her sense of self from her previous relationship, re-establishes her own identity, and then perhaps falls for you, then keep being her friend. But don't expect any quick solutions, and don't expect her to be the same person throughout.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 I have never been in a situation like this but I would say take the risk. If you have a healthy body, mind and spirity you can take it. If she decides to stay with you, great! If not, I feel I am special enough. There should be more women like me you just have to find her. Also, it's overly romantic and idealistic to say that after 3 months you know she's the one. She may not want to hang out with you as a friend. For me, it's impossible to just be a friend with a guy. Then tension is just too much. Find out what her boundaries are.
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A
female
reader, Lisa1970 +, writes (13 April 2010):
HiWhat you have is indeed a very painful situation. It is not wise to cling on to something that may never happen. The best thing you can do is tell her exactly how you feel, leave the ball in her court and then go away and let her be.After a month or two she may find that she loves you too and misses you and will contact you in the hope that you are still free and still care. Don not hang around like a lost puppy, as although cute at first may well begin to annoy her and feel more like stalking. Tell her how you feel leave her your contact numbers and walk away, get on with your life and if someone else comes along go for it. If she calls and you now have a new relationship that is the one for you, then just tell her sorry its been too long iv'e moved on. Hope this helps. Good luck Lisa
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 your the back up plan this girl will probably never get over her ex, you may have a shot at a relationship with her but kno this you will never have her heart fully. i honestly suggest moving on. alot of times people love what they cant have. and you will never have this woman completly.
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