A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need help with an issue that I suppose has been going on for a while now. The answer may be really easy but I just don't know what to do.I have been in a relationship with an older woman for the last 3 years. She is 12 years older than me. I am still in my early 20's.It has been very up and down. We really are great friends and confide in eachother. We love each other. She has great kids that I get on really well with. But we seem to disagree on everything, which can cause major arguments. I dont't feel like I am a stubborn person. I like to get it out of the way before bed, where as she will just plain not speak to me for two weeks if she wants. Which really does my head in. I will have to then apologise profusely, even if I am in the right before we make up. She can also be very cold, no hugs, kisses and she has gone off sex. I must add that we do not live with eachother and really I dont think she would want to.About three months ago we had another argument, but instead of giving in as usual I played her at her own game and we didnt speak for a few weeks. During this time I met another woman who I had an instant connection with.She's nice, tactile, intelligent, and we just seem to click. I have seen her a couple of times a week now for the last couple of months whilst being with my girlfriend. It is absolutely killing me, the guilt that I an doing this, The fact that this new girl likes me but I feel so connected to my girlfriend has made me call off our affair.I really miss this new girl, who is closer in age to me and has no kids.But I feel I cannot split up with my girlfriend of three years,I really do not know what to do and I must admit I feel like a horrible person.Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. I really think I do need to get out or this relationship. We just dont seem to work. But when I think of actually saying good-bye to her I keep thinking of all the nice things we have done for eachother and places we have seen.
I know that everyone has to go through something like this, it is just a horrible feeling having to let go.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (18 February 2011):
I have to agree with TEM. My ex-wife is 5 years older than I am, and even that much of an age gap was a problem in the relationship. In my case it wasn't so much an issue of attraction, but it was about how she treated me and looked down upon me. It was a miserable experience all around, and I now realize that it was a relationship that I never should have been involved in.When a guy is in his late teens or early 20's, the idea of an older woman, even one in her 30's, is pretty hot. But as time goes on and things get serious there are some legitimate issues with such an arrangement. It is why relationships like this rarely last in the long run.It may be too late to recover with the new girl you met, but my advice is still to end it with your girlfriend and find someone you are more compatible with, someone closer to your own age.
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A
female
reader, authenticgal +, writes (17 February 2011):
How could a grown woman act like a child herself? If you guys disagree on everything, it's going to be a tough one and it already has. Dissimilarity creates more disliking than similarity creates liking. Sometimes you gotta to do what you gotta do, end the relationship if it's really going no where.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): I personally think that you know in your heart that the older woman that your with isnt right for you, she is treated you like a child and in fact being extremely immature by ignoring you whenever you both argue. I suggest that maybe you need think about your options and who think about your future, and who would best fit your life NOW. Being with someone for 3 yrs is a long time but if you have to question your self if your girlfriend is the right person for you than obviously shes NOT because you would just know if she was without doubting yourself. You have nothing to lose, dont waste your time on this woman any more- 5yrs from now your going to look back and think how much time you lost hoping it would work out. I think in this case your gf thinks she controls the relationship, but in fact its you whose contiplating on ending things and I think you should and stick with your decision. Its normal to feel bad about ending a relationship but you need to do what best for you!! Good luck. Xoxo
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Usually I can answer questions here objectively, but I am afraid I am biased on this one, so take my answer with a grain of salt. First of all, you are not a horrible person. You might be if you were married to this woman and cheating on her, but you are not. However, if you stay with her, that is what is likely to happen. The two of you are already playing games with sex. It will only get worse. Break it off now.
Your situation is one that I was very, very close to at one time. When I was 18 I had a 21-year-old boyfriend. We were together four years had an incredibly passionate connection. Then the time came to make a decision to marry. I was not ready. To spite me he moved in with one of his professors who was twelve years older than he, but she was interested in him, and in taking him in.
I was very hurt, but after a while I started dating. He married his professor. After a couple of years I got married as well. I forgot all about him until he contacted me a couple of years ago. He was getting divorced and wanted to know if I was available. Yeah, right.
He told me he was miserable in his marriage and had been for a long time. His wife bossed him around and gave him the silent treatment when she was angry too. She emasculated him, and withheld sex to hurt him, but he put up with it because they were married. By this time he was still a fairly young guy, but he saw his wife as an old woman and he was clearly embarrassed to be seen with her. He was also no longer attracted to her. They had no sex life.
My point is this - a twelve year age difference to too much. If you feel like you want to break up with this woman the time to do it is now. If you delay it, it will only get harder. You do not want to end up with a domineering woman that treats you more like a child than a lover, do you?
You are still a very young man. I am sure there are lots of girls that would be happy to be your girlfriend. Do not set yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
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