A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband cheated on me with an 18 year old from the district in which he teaches at. We have a family and a beautiful area where we live. Should I stay with him even though he did this to me? He has been married before and he would probably still be sleeping with her if they did not get caught. (I hear they have been talking for quite awhile.) I know you might thiink I am answering my own questin, but we do have kids. Should we try to work things out? Should I talk to this girl to get facts or chew her out? What do you belive is best?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): I guess you have to find out how he feels about it, if he regrets it, makes some drastic change to stop it happening agaiin then consider forgiving him, if he won't do that for you then he is trash!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): I think you should do what feels good for you. Don't base your decision on your beautiful house or the need to keep up appearances, but for YOU. If you are happy, your children will be happy, so don't assume that a divorce will automatically destroy their lives; most kids of divorce I know have problems because their parents decide to maintain an acrimonious relationship. You can divorce and choose to cooperate for your kids' sake, but you don't need to feel like you should remain married for your kids' sake.
Has your husband shown any remorse? Is he sorry he cheated or is he sorry he got caught? The fact that this is his second marriage suggests that he may not be cut out for married life and may be incapable of being a faithful spouse. No amount of "work" on your part can change this if this is true of him.
Take a moment, sit quietly and listen to your heart. When you think of ending your marriage, do you feel a little anxiety followed by a sense of relief? Can you imagine yourself and your kids moving forward and being happy if you were to divorce? Can you imagine yourself and your kids moving forward and being happy if you were to stay?
Life is too long--and too short--to stay in a situation where you are not honored and respected. Ultimately the decision is up to you, but make sure you operate from a position of strength and self-awareness, not out of shame, fear, guilt or anger.
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 This is really only a question you can answer. Whether you leave your husband depends on you and how you perceive several things.
Personally I could not live or stay with a person who has cheated on me, but then, thats just me! You are asking whether or not to go and speak to this girl or chew her out. What will that do? Yes, it will perhaps make you feel a bit better, and so would perhaps giving her a black eye and thick lip, but that gratification will be short lived. Its not worth expanding that energy on a young, immature girl who probably doesnt have a clue about the full extent of her actions, and the actions of your husband. To her it was probably just a bit of fun, and nothing of any value.
On the other hand, how do you feel about your husband? He made the ultimate betrayal of sharing a very sacred thing with another person. It doesnt really matter who it was that he slept with, but the fact he slept with someone else.
You say you have children together. But how happy are you going to be staying with someone who has violated the very sanctity of marriage...trust! From experience it is better to bring a child up in a happy, single parent home than a family environment where the parents are arguing constantly, there is no trust and the relationship is dead.
As I said, the decision has to be made by you, but you have a lot to think of! (1) How you feel about your husband? (2) Do you feel you can trust him again? (3) Could you ever forgive him.........and the list just goes on.
Think long and hard about your decision. Don't make any rash choices and your main priority has to be your kids lives, but a happy child doesnt come from unhappy parents.
Good Luck and I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): sorry i meant to say i would never forgive or stay with a cheater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): My mum also said that she stayed with my dad for the sake of me and my brother. they finally got divorced when i was 18 and my brother was 15, after years of arguing and really bad physical fights, and my mum ended up sleeping in a seperate room. do you really want your children to grow up in a bad environment ? i would rather have only live with one parent and have a better/easier life, than live with both parents and have to put up with all of that. my mum said she was going to leave when me and my brother were very young originally, and looking abck on it, i wish she had. i also, personally, would ever forgive or stay with a cheater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): He has done a terrible mistake that's for sure, but if he is truly regretting, and you have reasons to think he will never do something that stupid again, I think the family and kids deserve one more chance.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 Don't waste your time with the girl your husband cheated with. Suppose you embarrassed her and everything; that wouldn't change a thing. It could help you let off some steam, but that's it.
As to staying with your husband, the unfortunate fact for many people cheated on is that they can't leave their cheating partners, for financial reasons or whatever. We can't know if you're stuck there, but if you are, then you can't leave.
You said you have kids. That suggests you could leave, but would consider staying with your husband if that spares your children the pain. Judging by your age, your kids must be still very young.
First you would need to know whether this is really the reason why you would consider staying. I am afraid it is not. In such cases, sometimes the partner who claims to have stayed for the sake of the children blames the children for staying. That is so bad for a child to hear or, even worse, come to understand, because children do prefer their parents to stay together, and they don't have the intellectual tools not to mistake the fact that they want to be with the cheating parent for the fact that the cheated parent actually stayed because s/he wanted to, only s/he wouldn't say so.
If you would truly stay for the sake of the children, then that would mean you don't love the man anymore. Would you stay with him for how many years? Wouldn't your children come to know that their parents don't love each other, yet they stay together for what seems to be the sake of appearances? Suppose you continued to have sex with your husband. Would it feel right after, say, five years? What if he cheated again?
Where I live, men used to cheat on their wives as a matter of habit. They were expected to. Some people still hold to this belief. That tells the boys that it's OK to cheat; it's kinda their right. It also tells the girls that it's OK to be cheated on. It suggests that smart girls stay married because they don't have to keep a home on their own, and, after all, being cheated on is an unavoidable fact of life. Sometimes this is positive and it makes some girls be very tough and unforgiving of cheating.
It is clear I am not in favor of staying married if the other party cheated. But, this is your decision.
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