A
female
age
36-40,
*ancerGirl1984
writes:Dear Aunties and Uncles,I will try to keep this short as possible. I've been in a long term relationship for 14 years and have a 14 year old daughter who my partner raised as his own since she was 2 weeks old.We had an amazing relationship for 11 years (never lived together). I had the perfect life. We never argued or disagreed much. I was very secure in the relationship and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.He was offered an opportunity to work for another firm in another country and asked if I wanted to start a new life with him and our daughter. I said yes and really looked forward to living together and finally being a family. What could possibly go wrong?Everything went wrong. He changed dramatically and I didn't see it coming. He began to be unhappy about my day to day life which was work, home, child and dog walking. I got a brilliant job which I loved but he wanted me to give it up after 6 months because it didn't meet his salary requirements even though I was earning a lot more than where I used to live and we were very well off. I'm still in the same job. I didn't leave it.If I chose to go out with friends, he'd sulk and not talk to me for weeks on end. If I stayed home then he'd complain I didn't do enough with our daughter.It was one thing after another and over time I became depressed. I went through a long period of loneliness and never told anymore what was happening to me. My partner neglected me sexually and emotionally. During all of this I was also facing with the fact that I needed life saving surgery which I went through mostly on my own. During my time off in recovery, someone at work reached out to me to see how I was doing.He had suffered a long term illness which he overcame so he was very understanding of my situation. He would lighten my lonely days of silence as all I had for company was my dog. My daughter was in school and my partner worked long hours.Eventually when I was able to get myself out of the house, this friend asked me to the cinema. It wasn't a date as he was engaged. From that moment our friendship took off. We spent some great times together experiencing new things. Cinema, restaurants, clubs etc. Once I returned to work I began spending a lot more time with him and we became very close.Now, 7 months later, we are very much in love and I don't know what to do. I'm currently engaged to be married which completely broke my friends heart as he says he can't see his life without me. On the other hand he is going through a trial separation from his fiance. What has upset me is, I agreed to marry my partner because I felt my friend never saw us together as a couple. Once I got engaged he then started to confess what journey he saw us on together. But now he has agreed to a trial separation with his fiance to see if the relationship can work out. I'm very confused. He tells me he wants me, loves me and can't see his life without me,that he has never had these kinds of feelings for anyone before me. I very much considered leaving my fiance for him but now I'm shocked that he has chosen to work on a relationship that he himself said is not working and that he doesn't want to work at it. My fiance has always been a great provider and a wonderful Dad to my daughter. Let's be clear. I do not depend on my fiance financially. Everything is equal in our relationship merely for the fact that I started to stand my ground and not tolerate being told what to do which in turn took a toll on my health. I have found unmeasurable happiness with my friend. He is the most beautiful human being I've ever met. He is a kind business owner who devotes his time teaching English on the side which he never charges for. A lover of animals, a kind heart and just a joy to be around. He has helped me through some really dark times and as I have done for him.Should I stay with my fiance even though I love someone else?
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at work, depressed, engaged, fiance, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2019):
 Im glad you and your daughter are doing better. You did the right thing.
A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (20 June 2019):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood afternoon Aunties. It's been over 2 years since I asked for help and I have an update for you. my last updated consisted on having a conversation with my partner telling him how I felt and looking for my own place.After that so called adult conversation which I thought he was very understanding of, things took a nose dive. My partner began making threats. He threatened to stop being a Father, he threatened me with our finances and started to become very controlling of me and our daughter. I became so scared of him that I ended up having a breakdown and major surgery. My daughter became suicidal and began self harming. We escaped one night (5th December 2018) after he threatened our daughter with homelessness because she came out to us He is very religious. A good friend of mine put us up in his house, helped me get my own place, furnished the flat for us and made sure we had what we needed. Friends rallied around us to help with little things, it was so lovely of them.Our first Xmas in our new place was magical. We could finally enjoy the holidays. It's been 6 months now and our lives are so much better. My daughter has come through her anxiety and depressing thanks to therapy and my support. Her Dad has abandoned her completely because he believes that because we are not together then he shouldn't be expected to be a Dad to her. She's fine with it. She's happier without him.I'm guessing you are wondering what happened to the guy who I was in love with when I asked my first question. He is still in my life. We still stayed friends after I decided to try and make things work with my ex partner. He was the friend that helped put us up in his house and helped with getting us our own place.My daughter enjoys being around him and his family. Just recently we shared how we felt about each other and have decided to become an item. I never believed I could have a happy life again. I do wish that I'd made the decision soon because I would've saved my daughter from all that anguish. I was such a coward.We no longer live in fear. We live each day to the max. We have peace again. I thought I'd share my story with you.Thanks again Aunties.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 As much as am sure you are sad right now, I do think it is probably the best decision that you made and you probably need the break away. I get it will be sad but you will no doubt build a good future now you are being honest with yourself.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (14 March 2017):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right aunt honesty. Last night I went home and was completely honest with my Fiance. He is understandably upset and my daughter said she just wants me to be happy. So as from today, I'm making plans to get my own place, not far from my daughters Dad. I needed space, not another man in my life.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 March 2017):
I think you picked me up wrong as I was not calling you a bad mother. I was simply saying that her growing up with a mother who is being emotionally unfaithful can be damaging to her as well. Personally I think you need to figure out what it is you want and think about your Fiance as well because it is not fair on him what you are doing. You know in your heart this other guy is not going to give you what you need stability wise and therefore you are staying with your fiance because it is safe and familiar, but you are living a lie.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (13 March 2017):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet's get one thing straight. I have always been a good mother to my daughter and have continued to give her the best life possible.
I have sacrificed my own happiness so she can live in a safe and happy home. she has grown up to be a sweet, independent and tolerant teenager. I do not want to blow her life apart by being selfish and going after what my heart wants.
Just because I am in this situation does not make me a bad mother or horrible person. What I'm going through does not equate to me being a bad mother.
First and foremost, I am a mother first.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 March 2017):
It is still cheating their really is no justification. You need to sort out your life and be a good mother to your daughter.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (10 March 2017):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should mention that I may have cheated emotionally but never physically with the other guy.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 March 2017):
Honestly I don't think you should stay with your fiance just to feel secure. Your happiness is worth so much more and so is his. It is not fair to both off you or your daughter to live a lie no longer. I think you should tell your fiance the truth about how you feel and ask him to leave.
On to the other guy, you say he is not interested in marriage yet he is engaged at the moment? That makes no sense. I think you are scared off taking a chance which is fine. But honestly I think being on your own for a while would be much better than stringing two guys along.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (9 March 2017):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Aunt honesty. I agreed to marry him because:1. It was a very public proposal with family on one side and my daughter in tears with excitement on the other.2. Afraid of change.3. He's a fantastic provider and a massively positive influence on our daughter.4. The other guy never wants to get married or have children.Now, with my fiance on one side and the other guy on the other I feel very much torn between the two. Part of me feels that the pain I've suffered for 3 1/2 years will be something I won't be able to move one from and allow myself to fall in love with my fiance again.Another part of me feels that I deserve happiness again. But knowing that the other guy isn't into marriage makes me feel like I'd be taking a huge risk with him.The advice that has been provided from everyone has been really helpful I may add.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (8 March 2017):
If he is so bad then why did you agree to marry him? Because you where scared the other guy would let you down? Why not become a single parent and focus on you and your daughter instead off having to have a man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): If he deprived you fully of sex for years and was really controlling I dont think your current relationship is going to work. That is not normal behaviour, not sure what his psychological blocks are but I think you should go free and pursue a better partnership. Good Luck. There is something very wrong in the mind of a man who refuses sex that long from a partner.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (7 March 2017):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGoo, the intimacy stopped long before I became ill. He would withhold intimacy and communication because I wouldn't do what he said. For a few years I tried to keep the peace and do everything that made him happy but in turn it made me very unhappy as I was doing things that I didn't want to do. I gave up friends, stopped going out etc but yet he would still find fault in what I was doing. I am a teetotal, never taken drugs or smoked and I was never a person who went out a lot so I could not understand why he was behaving this way. He was only ever happy if I went out with his sister or brother. I felt I couldn't have a life outside of our relationship.
The neglect was palpable and over time I became distant and could not trust him. I found happiness in other places. My friends, work, daughter and dog. I began to experience different hobbies and got back into dancing again.
Then my illness took a turn for the worst and I had to focus a lot on getting better even when at times I felt hopeless.
Having someone reach out to me during this time felt lovely. I never intended on things to go as far as they did and neither did the other guy.
I am very aware of the pros and cons of this situation. I've spent countless days and nights analyzing the risks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): Honestly it sounds like your fiancee DID at least try to be there for you after the surgery. He brought you your meds and tended to your needs. A lot of guys aren't that verbal, so he probably thought that just having him present and nearby was enough comfort- most men would do the same. Yes they would play video games while letting you rest. If he happily responded to your summons and took care of you that would be enough in most people's books.Did the intimacy stop altogether when/because you were sick and/or post-surgery? Maybe he did not think you were well enough to be having "heavy activity" and he was scared. Maybe he had a fear about illness. Maybe he thought it was better to let you rest. Or did the intimacy stop before you got sick? I am not here to defend your fiancee-- you have the best sense of his flaws and good qualities, but I just encourage you to look truly and fairly at the situation, weighing pros and cons without being clouded by your new romance possibility. Finally, of course he would not continue to be a step-dad to your daughter-- even if he wanted to, you guys would not be getting married, so he would have no legal rights to do so, and that would just be a terrible situation for him. It is unfair for you to expect that he would continue to see her.Again, the fact that you would hope that he would continue to be a dad to your daughter seems to suggest that you are still feeling very conflicted and that you haven't really considered what a true separation will mean for you both. A true separation means he will no longer be involved in your life or your daughter's life AT ALL.So if you love his support that much and desire him in your lives, you need to think long and hard before leaving. However, if you are confident that this new man is so great, who is leaving his own fiancee to be with you,...if you are confident that HE will be a stable and reliable step dad then by all means go forward.... just think carefully.
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female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (28 February 2017):
DancerGirl1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy response to Goo is, my friend is currently going through the trial separation and his fiance has moved out of their home they share together.
My fiance did take 1 week off work to look after me but spent most of it playing fifa online. Once I was on my feet I told him to return to work as I didn't need his help. Yes, he would give me my meds etc but I needed comforting also. Intimacy stopped all together and when I'd initiate he'd turn his back on me.
I spent 3 1/2 years very much alone and my friend seemed to be a ray of light in my life.
I have previously tried to end things with my fiance but he said he wouldn't continue being a Dad to our daughter if I left. Maybe he said this in anger but at that moment I felt trapped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): If I read your post correctly, your "friend" is now back together with his fiancee after a trial separation? And you believe he is back with her because you didn't leave your own fiancee? Is that correct?
Well, I would think long and hard before leaving my current partner. For one thing this "friend" seemed pretty ready and willing to leave a woman he was committed to. What makes you think he would be more committed to you in future when another interest comes along? He may be well motivated and all, but are you sure that this would be the one and only time he would give up on a relationship? I probably would not be able to really trust someone who could do that to a fiancee.
With that being said, I think that SOMETIMES leaving a partner for another person IS a one time deal. Sometimes two people feel such a connection that it happens, but that is the one and only time they don't honor commitment. So you will have to use your judgement on his character, but there are no guarantees. Maybe you two really are meant to be together, and you will both have to leave your finacee's to do it.
I put in a cautionary word because of course your fiancee is boring and "old hat" by now. You have been together so long. People are not perfect and their flaws become visible over time. The same thing will happen to this new man who seems perfect right now. Over time his flaws will emerge.
Everyone is flawed, you just have to figure out which kind of flaws YOU can tolerate best.
Your current partner seems definitely overprotective...could it be because he sensed you were restless and looking for experiences and adventures outside of the relationship? Only you and you alone know how far his control issues go. In some of your post it seems pretty bad, but other statements such as "My fiance has always been a great provider and a wonderful Dad to my daughter." seems like it couldn't have been so bad. Evidently things are not black and white.
I wonder though, if he was devoted for 11 years without problems, if he went into a bit of a depression after your move? Maybe that is the source of his changed personality? Maybe your personality changed too?
When you say he sexually neglected you, are you talking about reduced frequency, or altogether no sex? Do you think he could have cheated on you?
I also think it is concerning if your partner didn't try to take off at least some work after your surgery. I know it can be hard depending on your financial situation and his job requirements, but still. If it was really and truly "life threatening" scenario he should have been there for some of the time. I am sure he realized you were mostly through the risk after the first day or so after the surgery, but still.
Was he at least caring when he DID come home from work?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2017):
You're going about this in the wrong way, pushing the cart before the horse.
"What has upset me is, I agreed to marry my partner because I felt my friend never saw us together as a couple."
So, you marry one man because you think it's just ok to marry someone, anyone, because the point of your existence is to be married, at whatever cost?
Wrong. You should not marry just because of marriage, regardless of who you marry to. You should marry when you want marriage AND the person who you are about to marry is someone you WANT to be married to. You don't want to be married to your fiance. You want to have a relationship with someone else.
Does this mean you should aim for a relationship with your "friend"? No. He's not single. Whatever he does with you is stringing you along. He's cheating on his fiancee, and you are cheating on yours. No good relationship will come out of that.
But, should you stay in your current relationship and marry him just because this other guy doesn't want you? No!
You should most definitely realize that the end has come for your 14 year old relationship. Only when you are SINGLE and have moved on from your relationship, only then will you know what you want and be able to get what you want. If your "friend" wants you, he will end things with his woman and go be with you. And if he doesn't, you will find someone else.
But do not make a mistake of marrying a man you don't want to be with. He can still be a father to your daughter, without being your husband.
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