A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I could really use some good advice. I'm a 24 yr old college student. I've bounced around in a few relationships over the past few years, none of which lasted very long. About a year ago, I hooked up with an older woman (she's 43). I basically did it for sex in the beginning. It turned out to be the best sex I've ever had. Without getting too graphic, she satisfies all my needs and then some. She is very good to me in other ways too. Over time, I grew attached and fell in love with her. Now we spend most of our time together.Here's the issue....Can a relationship with this kind of age difference last in the long run? I can't help but think she will tire of me and want someone who is more mature or that I will eventually want to settle down and start a family with someone my own age. I really am not sure what to do. We love each other to death but these doubts keep eating away at me. Am I thinking too much about this? Should I stay with a good thing or would it be wise to move on because of the age difference? The practical side of me says this will never work. Then again, how many chances in life do you get at real love? Advice?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I'm not surprised you found this 43-year old a great woman (they are great), just as it doesn't surprise me you started it for the sex. Let me exaggerate a bit: maybe you thought that, well, what the hell, the granny was hot and willing, and then there was nothing to lose. Then you found her age is just one aspect of hers. And you found she's great in bed, so you're hooked.
However, you're still thinking of her in terms of her age. Age is an important thing, yes, in the sense that it does tend to make people have different priorities in life. I guess, however, that when you really love someone those things are not important.
It seems to me that, deep down, the adventure is over. The relationship isn't going anywhere beyond this point. Sex will be great, the lady is fine, et cetera, but it doesn't seem like this relationship will bring what you expect to have. On the one hand, you know you have a great woman with you; on the other, she doesn't really give you all you want. I think the mere fact you ask the question means you're not really that much into her as you honestly think you are.
On the other hand, what does she expect from the relationship? Has she ever talked to you about it? Does she want a family with you? She takes your age into consideration as much as you take hers. I wonder if she's getting from you all she really expects to get.
I suggest you have a long and sincere discussion, you give yourselves some time to digest the information, and then you decide what to do.
The question about how many chances life gives you is not the right question to ask. It suggests Life, with capital L, has something in store for you (as in predestination) but Life likes to play with you and sends you "chances" which she might find perverse pleasure in your missing. It seems "Life" takes the place of Greek gods of ancient times, whimsical as they were.
You meet many people in life and you make decisions about them. Those decisions can be good or bad, and you need to accept it. If you want chocolate, you can't have vanilla. You shouldn't stick to something only out of fear of making the wrong choice.
Whether you leave her or not, don't avoid the fact that the decision will be yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Perhaps I can shed a bit of light to you. I am a 40 something woman who is married to a much younger man. My husband loves me more each day (well, there are some days, ha-ha), and I treasure, cherish and need him by me every night. We did this with our eyes open, standing side by side, knowing that we love. Perhaps in 15 or 20 years, he may meet someone else, or maybe I will. We certainly hope not and have discussed this many times. But, who can say--no one. Love for all you are worth, and then some, we only get one trip through this life, and we need to fully consume every minute and never look back--good and bad. Don't let age define you, we have not, and my grandmother was 15 years older than my grandfather. The reason why you do not hear from couples with this type of difference on websites like this, is that this specific type of age difference works extremely well. We talk to each other very well, argue productively, love and commit deeply. As to the children thing, every single day my husband comments on how very much he wants a child, and we are doing everything we can to get me preggo (IVF and lots of fun), but if we don't he says he's okay with that as long as we have each other. But I want to say to you that this is an issue for you to consider, and discuss openly your needs and desires, and together find a way. You never need to worry about confiding in a woman who is fully grown. (PS and yes, I have a cat, but then, he has a little dog too!)
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 August 2008):
I hate to be vague and wishy washy here but I think that this is a case of "if it's meant to be it will be."
She may get sick of your youth and Xbox obsessions, you may get sick of her quiet nights in and millions of cats.
You may stay together for years and years, or she may trade you in for a younger model in 6 months.
What we do know is that right now, you are both very happy with the way things are. So take it a month at a time and see where it goes.
You can't predict the future so don't try to and end a good thing when it's going well.
Good Luck!! xx
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