A
female
age
41-50,
*nowy0807
writes:my fiance the flirtlast year my fiance had a thing going on with this girl at work... for a while things where horrible and he treated me like crap... anyway it was 3 months down the line b4 i found out or let say had an eye opener... didn't think or expect he would ever hurt me or do me any harm... i remember leaving work one day after confronting him and she was waiting for him at his desk i left crying he just let me go... i was so messed up i even went for cousilling anyway by the end of the year i decided to give him another chance and just let it go... a few weeks ago just after my birthday the truth about what went on between them came out it was shocking like catching them in bed together i felt crushed all over i couldn't very well take it out on him i just happened to come across some of his messages he went on to face book with my cell phone and forgot to logg off when i wanted to log in his come up... i had a choice close it or read it... well i read it... and amongst that he also asked his ex girlfrand for sex and what kind of undies she wears yes we make jokes and stuff but do we go there with our ex's...anyway i my question is... how long before the hurt fades... how long before i don't have to worry is he still mailing her i gave him the benifit of the doubt many times and i trusted him and he destroyed it so many times... i decided i want this to work and i will do my best and for one's in my life give a relationship all i got and not walk away when the first stone comes... when do i feel okay again how do i make it go away...he said she was a flirt that went wrong and his sorry and he wouldn't do anything to hurt me... that's after i saw then together and gave his ring back, he told me it was work related... the truth only he will know...
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female
reader, Lib1  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Well It sounds as if you are putting some of the blame on yourself. When you said it was your fault for looking at his profile. Let's be honest, you looked because you wanted to KNOW not just have faith that you could trust him again. You deserve to KNOW and your transgression of violating his privacy is no where near as bad as him violating the sanctity of your relationship. Yes you violated his trust too but to a much lesser degree.
It also seems... you are in a state of paranoia within your relationship and he has given you every reason to be that way. Now, the hurt fades depending on how the person takes the infidelity. It seems like you're on edge (for good reason) with the constant cheating have a cloud over your head. His cheating is going to eat you alive for as long as your with him. Don't get me wrong I have known people that stay together after but that is because it happened only once and they didn't have to carry on their shoulders like you do.
For your sanity I would try and prevent any further pain.
A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (22 August 2008):
 It may take a long time before the hurt fades, it all depends on the situation. When do you think you could REALLY trust him again? When he gains your trust back completely, you will probably be able to move on from there.
If it were me, that hurt would never go away. I could never trust someone again after it is broken and would have never given him another chance, NEVER!
But since you are different and really want this to work, he is the one that is going to have to prove to you that he can be trusted. And once you feel that he hears you and understands just how much he hurt you and proves he can be trusted, then you will be able to move on.
In these situations, you have to play fair. You cant hold this against him forever and he has to be willing to prove his trustworthiness. Time will only tell on this one.
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