A
female
age
41-50,
*acey007
writes:I am a single mom of a 17 year old who's father passed away when he was 3 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for about 4 years now. I spend most of my free time with both my son and my boyfriend. My boyfriend says I am close to perfect but always seems to criticize me by saying things like I justify everything he asks me. For example: as usual I packed my son and I to go spend the weekend with him and my boyfriend did not inform me until after we made it to his place that he wanted me to go see him fly. this has happened before that I take my weekend to spend with him and he goes flying the next day. Because I was not aware of this I did not pack accordingly such as sneakers as I have trouble with my ankle I could not wear the heels I brought to a flying event. He gave me a cold shoulder all night and the next morning he went flying by himself and left me at his place waiting for him all day. when he finely showed up not in a happy mood and he asked if i wanted to go to the beach and I respectfully declined and told him I was not expecting it and wanted to hang out with him and watch the movies I brought for us and cuddle at the house. His reply to me was "that's a shame" and went to the beach and again left us waiting for him till about 6pm. When he came back he proceeded to tell me that he told our flying friends that I couldn't come because of my attire. He said their reply was that is a bleep excuse and he then demanded the real reason. He then told me that he can't talk to me because I justify everything. I then advised him of a time where he did not keep his word and he started justifying why, I then asked him if he was justifying and he demanded me to get out of his bedroom. I thought that to be hypocritical and I would like your outlook on that one as well. He also stated that I have been demoted in his mind, said he used to tell his friends that I am his wife but now I will be referred to as his "girlfriend". He says he feels like he is settling for me and that his role is to just take it and not come to me with any issues because I give him explanations why things happen or don't happen. My outlook on it is that if I told someone I am hurt about something they did or didn't do, I myself would want an explanation that way I would know it isn't because they don't care. He also says that if he meets someone that takes notice of him he may have to and he can't believe that thought crosses his mind but it does. I find this absolutely ridiculous because I get asked out all the time from other guys and I could not imagine replacing him. Please help me and tell me if this is going no where. My friends tell me to get out, that I have been through too much and don't need the drama. I get anxiety when I am around him and my stomach in knots always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Please let me know what your thoughts are. Thanks in advance for your feedback! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lacey007 +, writes (28 January 2009):
lacey007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow so many great people and great advice too, thank you so much! To keep you updated... Tonight he text me a couple of times reminding me that his friends agree with him. He requested to to talk with my friends because he swears they will see his side but little did he know they had already told me to call it quits. I replied that "you really don't want to know what they had to say" I also replied to him that I got some advice from people that don't know either of us and it's looking not so bright for him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Good advice from reader. I'm in the same situation. Married 17 years and I was always the one to keep the peace. I would defend myself, but he seemed to say things in anger he didn't mean and expect me to forget it in 5 minutes. Over the years, I've built up resentment towards him. One day my daughter said, why do you just take it, and I burst out 'because I'm staying for you'...and I thought it's always best for both parents to be home. But she said, don't do me any favors. wake up call. Now I'm starting to take on his bad personality traits and 'take anger' towards my daughter, so I left yesterday. the end. now a new beginning of finding myself again. Please learn from our mistakes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): get rid of him! he is not worth your love. If he felt the same for you he would have made sure you new what plans were made so that you would by his side. The best thing would be to make a clean break and forget this loser. He sounds like an ex of mine happy to take take take but only give back very occasionally to keep you dangling. let him go and find someone else who is prepared to put up with him. you are worth alot more than this, you deserve someone who loves you back. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): I was on the wrong side of a potentially abusive realtionship, as in I almost became the abuser... the woman herself had come out of two abusive marriages, the last one over 24 yrs and at the end she had to nurse him as he died of cancer and alchoholism.
As a result of this she was, in my eyes, VERY demanding, with everything that she did...... I am a closed person and for this person to interfer in my life and demand so much attention or be so weak I was being driven to my wits end, on one occaision I almost hit her after she made a scene in front of friends.
Now don't get me wrong I am not a violent, aggressive or controlling person, in fact quite the opposite, as a result of my previous employment I had learned to control or shut off my emotions even in the face of physical abuse, but this woman seemed to know how to push all the wrong buttons.
She had invited herself into my life and would not leave, it was frustrating to say the least......as a result I grew to despise her and would seek any opportunity to get away, only to have her follow me and demand her attention due to her weaknesses, a trait that i did not find at all attractive.
Many a time I would reduce her to tears simply because I rejected her need for constant attention that I simply counld not give, it ended with me leaving the apartment one night and meeting a wonderful woman who will become my wife in the very near future, there is no aggression or even the possiblity of me becoming violent, it seems that the previous woman just made me feel that i was out of control and having to provide my constant attention.
Now I am in no way trying to justify my actions I am not proud of the way I feel, quite the opposite, I realised what was happening, and I realise that it was not all her fault, a lot of it was due to my pent up anger and to be honest, whatever she would have done for me would have been wrong..... I can see from what you wrote that your guy is feeling similar frustrations, and becasue of this I urge you to take control of your life and leave this relationship immediately before it becomes abusive, in fact with his actions it can already be classed as such.
You need to feel comfortable in a relationship and you are just not feeling it, you will justify his wrongdoings as being your fault and ultimately, both you and your son will be hurt, this is not a relationship, get out of it while you can and rebuild your life, your son will be your support, you seem proud of him and I am sure he loves his mom.
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A
female
reader, lacey007 +, writes (27 January 2009):
lacey007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. It means a lot having people on the outside looking in to help me sort through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): You were not wrong for not taking sneakers, he never told you about his plans, its like you going to visit family and hours drive away without telling them you coming, if you get there and they are not there, can you be upset with them, he needed to communicate this to you before hand, you took movies along like an idiot and he sow that as a shame you asked him to cuddle but that was also a shame, and he went to the beach instead, perhaps you should’ve asked it could’ve avoided the whole thing yes, but that does not justify his behavior or the things he said t o you in his room. “My friends tell me to get out, that I have been through too much and don't need the drama. I get anxiety when I am around him and my stomach in knots always waiting for the other shoe to drop.” There you have it your advise, this man is abusing you mentally, I am 22 years old and yea I haven’t got the experience most people have but I can tell you now that this relationship will break you, is this really the kind of role model or daddy figure you want you 17 year old son to look up to? Do you want your son growing up treating his partner like this? No I did not think so, I understand what it feels like to be alone no one wants to be alone, but what is better being alone and being happy or being with someone and being unhappy? You are obviously a very attractive lady as you say men keep asking you out, go for it, go on a date with a man that actually wants to spend time with you. To be with one person for 4 years is a long time (I myself have been with my boyfriend for 6) and yes it will be hard seeing yourself with someone else, because you have grown so accustomed to only being with him, but once you get out there, and allow yourself to enjoy the respect and attention from a different man you’ll soon realize that its not hard at all, the only reason you feeling like that is coz it will be a change and no one likes change we human we cant help it. He feels as though he’s settling for you???? What bull shit, he is playing mind games with you, he wants you to live up to his expectations he told you that coz you didn’t jump to his tune, so if he thinks he deserves better (LOL) then leave the man and let him go and find a woman who will settle for his shit, sorry for the rude words, but it hurts me to know how many woman are lead to believe they are not good enough that they need to give more, in order to make their partner happy, woman thinking they are worth nothing because of a man. A relationship is a two way thing it survives on communication honesty trust and love, and sacrifice. Sacrificing the things that make us happy for the other, does he really regard flying as more important than spending time with you? Please domt settle for him dear, don’t change your values for a man who does not deserve you, he is not man enough for you and he is not a role model for your boy, you both deserve much better than what you are getting, some men actually worship the ground their partner walk on, they will risk anything to spend only a few moments with that person, so why cant you have that??? You deserve it, you really do, so put on some make up and a pretty dress and take a break from him, he could still change his ways and turn into the man you would like him top be but he needs to change and if he doesn’t don’t come back, but if he loves you, and I mean really loves you he will change.Good luck and please please keep us posted
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A
female
reader, lacey007 +, writes (27 January 2009):
lacey007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies as they do help. Yes I have been in a few abusive relationships in the past and I have been in relationships that demanded explinations to everything and everything. I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve and I am a giver. I have learned that some people take advantage of that and even find it to be a weakness. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice and giving but that's not my nature. my current boyfriend is starting to wave red flags of possible abuse. Example: We are driving in his truck and he said he doesn't feel like he can come to me with issues because he says I just justify it. I replied that I'm sorry he feels that way so as to let him know I heard what he said. Then he proceeded to get out of his truck, I'm still in the passenger side as he goes to the front of the truck and looks through the windshield at me with anger and pushes the truck back in a kicking motion and was yelling. My son had to tell me to tell him to stop yelling at me last night as well or he was going to tell him. He proceeded to tell me tonight that my son is spoiled because he likes an ice coffee from Mcdonnalds nearly everyday. I feel as though we are lucky because most 17 year olds are asking for cars and expensive things or running with the wrong crowds getting into trouble. I feel very blessed and lucky my 17 year old is not into drugs but is rather addicted to their ice coffee lol. Although I do have to admit I REALLY NEED TO GET THEIR RECIPE... I do see where you are coming from Kepi and I will indeed be thinking about what you said and take that with me. I think that I am in agreement with Victoria though on this one. Please feel free to give more feedback
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A
male
reader, Kepi  +, writes (27 January 2009):
 Hmmmmmm, there does seem to be a LOT of justification going on there doesn't there, and I mean on YOUR part.... this thing abot not going with him.......all because you didn't pack sneakers?!?!?!?! really?? lets be honest, with past experience of his wish to go flying or to the beach, could u not just have packed sneakers? Would have solved a whole heap of trouble?
He was probably planning a whole heap of things and your refusal to go with him, well, if it was me, I would be thinking why bother??
Why demand explanations, why justify everything..... it seems that maybe you have a few control issues in that people do need to explain their every action, and if their plans don't fit in with what you want then you are not prepared to meet on common ground.
Why, if you are getting asked out all the time do you not want to replace him, you have already explained your disappontment....... so mabe it is time to move on before this becomes a destructive relationship, for both of you.
Your feelings that you mention sound very much like fear, have you been in or are you in an abusive relationship? If you are then definately get out, if you were before, well maybe thats whats causing the problems....
You need to lighten up, and instead of finding reasons NOT to do something, try qnd find a solution so you can do things with him.... (how about buying a pair of sneakers and leaving them at his? packing a pair before you go...just in case????)Think about this
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A
female
reader, VictoriaJK  +, writes (27 January 2009):
Ditch this loser!! If he makes you feel this way then trust me nothing good is going to come of this. I went though a guy that was almost exactly the same. He is not worth your time or your love if he makes you feel like crap. There are so many other men out there who would treat a woman the way she deserves. Hope this helped and good luck 3
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