A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband had an affair with a work colleague last year they told each other they loved each other, she was married with a kid aswell. She looks like me and he told me she acted like me. I do not know if i should leave him. He says he regrets it and has become more loving but i will never know if its me he wants or if he is just staying with me for the sake of our little girl who is two and a half. I never thought he would cheat he worshiped the ground i walked on. I dont look at him like that now, he is a totally different person to me now. I am only in my early twenties and shouldnt have to deal with this so young.We have been married for 4 years he is my first love and i am his. any advice?
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female
reader, beenthruit  +, writes (30 May 2009):
All I can say is that if he truly loved you this would never have happened. Especially since you are both so young. you may be his first love but he has had second love. A hard, very hard decision is to separate. This will leave you both feeling raw but at the same time give you space to think about what you truly want. In your case you are devoted and loyal and don't want to leaave, while your husband is a liar and cheat.Ask yourself, would you be able to tell someone you loved them even if you didn't? Could you have sex with someone else when you loved your husband?I don't think so. Your husband may be able to let those three words, I love you, slip off his tongue very easily but it is at the cost of your relationship with him.Sorry to say this but if he is testing the waters with other women now, then he is not going to be in your marriage for the long haul. The thrill of it all is with him for ever and he will always be looking for something on the side. Do you want to just be the entree in your marriage or the fll three couse dinner.Love and marriage are a two way street give and take on both sides. It is a lot of work, on both sides. Seems to me that he is not doing his side of the work but instead out their behaving as if he is single and carefree.Good luck in whatever you decide but I advise you to both go for councilling and go together.
A
female
reader, beenthruit +, writes (30 May 2009):
Sorry to say this but if he started when you were pregnant then he will carry on throughout your married life. My husband did exactly that. He cheated on me while i was pregnant with our first child, (I only found out many years later) and he has gone on cheating ever since.
My big question is to myself, " Why do I stay."
I suppose because I still love him deep down and we have 27 years history together and three kids. That is a lot of time.
If i had, had any idea that he started cheating early in our marriage I would not be here today. But I suppose so many women place their own values on their husbands and never dream that he would do anything that you wouldn't.
I am now in a position that if I leave I have a very hard time ahead. Many friends say well worse could happen but you will be away from a man who treats you with contempt and cannot truly love you if he insists on hurtiung you over and over.
My advice is leave now for good. As hard as it is you will never be able to trust him again and all men who have affairs are liars. They will be telling you that they have left the mistress/lover but in fact are saying pretty much the same things to their mistress/lover.
Get out while you are young and able to get on with your life.
He will tell you he loves you etc but also his lover will be hearing the same if not similar words.
I have been hurt over and over and only have myself to blame for being weak and too trusting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): I am going through a similar situation. MY husband of 4 years cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first baby. We tried for almost two years to conceive and I found out two months after giving birth he had cheated for most of my pregnancy. I had thought something was going on but I never thought it was really another woman. I had thought he was nervous about fatherhood. Now I sit and wonder if I should stay or go. Our baby is only six months. He had told her he loved her and everything. Now he says he only said it as a joke and he didn't mean it but how do I beleive him. During the affair his whole demeanor changed. I have been with him for almost nine years and he had never treated me like he did. Now he seems to be his old self. I beleive he was depressed while he was cheating but I don't think there are any excuses. I am heartbroken and confused. Nobody should have to suffer this pain. I am also in my early twenties and I feel as if I will never be happy again. We are going to see a marriage counselor next week but I don't think it will do much good. Oh...I would get checked for std's!!! He said he used a condom every time but he still gave me an STD that he got from her. It was curable at least.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): has his cheating set a precedence to what will become the norm in your marriage. he started having sex with someone else while your marriage is still so "young". are there any guarantees that he will not mess around again. the fact that he fell in love with this married woman means that he invested much more than than in sex with her. her invested his time, his feelings, emotions, his resources in her, when it should have been you.
although he may have ended it with her believe me he is still reliving his relationship with her. it will take him months if not years to finally be over his affair. if he tells you otherwise then he is definately lying.
becoming apparently more loving to you, is this now just an act? when he has sex with you is he reliving his time with her. these are hard facts to deal with. you need to ask him why, when, what did she provide that you were not. if he says she meant nothing, and it was no big deal then he is compounding his lies. it was a big deal and she meant more to him than he is letting on.
i know you are hurt but you need to be strong and not doubt yourself. if you really want to salvage your marriage both have to work toward mending the cracks. he cannot just expect you to forgive him and not work through the problems. it will take you time and he just needs to accept and deal with it everytime you explode and want to chop his head off. and you will. the hurt, humiliatio, pain will sometimes be so bad that you just cannot see the light. during these bad days he needs to be your shoulder to cry on and to be the comforting hb. if he just wants to sweep this under the carpet then he needs a wake up call.
people that have affairs also become angry with their partners when they are reminded of their sordid time. does your hb become angry 9hoping that his anger will make you forget his betrayal.0
marriage counselling and the open lines of communication is the start. it will be hard but can it be worth it. YEs. if both work at it.
but know this now that he has experience the thrill of an affair the likelihood of him doing it again is almost a certainty. this maybe years from now but it will happen. read all the heartbreaking posts here. you are right when you say you are young. do not let your best years escape you. he better be willing to pull up his socks and keep his briefs on. if not, your other life awaits you. without the cheater. there are many faithful men and you can meet one who will love you and be honest and faithful. you deserve the best and only you can choose your best. please do not settle for anything else. it may be hard but there will be a smile big enough one day. through your pain and tears there can be happiness.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I feel for you and know what you must be going though,my h/b did the same to me,i had been married 20 years and like you never dreamed he would cheat but he did not once but 3 times i was torn apart i tryed to forgive but could not.
You must ask yourself can you forgive and forget if you can you have to leave it in the past and rebuild the trust it is going to be hard to block out what he has done to the marriage only you know if it can be saved.
I wish you well take care
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A
male
reader, Mr.Insignificant  +, writes (13 May 2009):
 :(
If you are willing and you think it can work, I recommend both personal counseling for you as well as marriage counseling for the two of you.
I think it would be wise for you to keep your communication about how you are feeling frequent and real. I am not suggesting that you intentionally give him a guilt trip, but rather communicating with him will show that you respect yourself, him, your daughter, your feelings, and that this is something that is important that you need to communicate.
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